Even though Joshua is a VERY SMART little boy, I have to remember that he is only two and a half and he doesn't know how to express his every emotion. As I think back to this morning, I have come to realize that when I felt like I needed alone time, I disrupted his normal routine by letting the TV babysit him as I checked my email. He needs his mama time in the morning and he didn't get it. Caylee was still asleep. I heard her starting to wake up on the baby moniter. . ."Cars" was blasting on the TV. Not 3 minutes later I heard a little hand smack my baby girl on the tummy 5 times (this I later found out from Joshua as he confessed what he did) and then came the screams from my 3 month old. I ran in there and with a very raised voice asked Joshua what he did to his little sister. He was just shocked at my tone. . .and as his eyes widened. . .he didn't know what to say to me. I usually use a very calm and assertive tone, but truthfully, this whole thing scared me because I didn't know how hurt she was or if it just startled her. So, I escorted him to his room and repeated myself. As my little boy's lip puckered up in sadness at his mama's reaction to hitting his baby sister, I gave myself a little reality check. Just like a parent of a precious little two year old testing limits and learning lessons, God probably doesn't like to watch us make mistakes. But, he lets the consequences teach us what we need to know. If he didn't do that, we wouldn't learn. I wanted to hug him and yell at him at the same time. So, as he cried, I took some time to cool off and later talked to Joshua about his actions. He was very remorseful. He really is a little sweetheart. I think I used too big of words and ideas for him sometimes, but then he seems to "get" it. He understands WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to much for a kid his age. In a sad voice, I told him that I work hard to take care of him and Caylee every day. I told him that I protect him and I protect Caylee, but I shouldn't have to protect Caylee from him. Yeah, I know. Big concept. But, if you don't think he understands this, you don't know my son. He very remorsefully said, "I'm sorry mama," He frowned with a sad face and gave me a hug. Then, he said, "I have to go tell Caylee that I'm sorry." And yes, he does use all of these words. I explained I was very disappointed at his actions and that we'd have to figure out some type of consequence. Then, I went to the livingroom, lavished Caylee with attention and told her that I was sorry that her brother hurt her. Joshua layed down on the carpet in a fetal position and with an embarassed voice said, "I'm sorry, Caylee for hitting you." We decided that his punishment would be to take away all of his toy cars. He very willingly picked them up and helped me put them away. He's got quite a collection. He gets one car back. . .at a time when I catch him being nice to her. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Maybe I take it too seriously. I don't know. I just don't want to mess up my kids. And my relationships with my children are very important to me. I think God gives us multiple children to teach us what it's like for him. Sometimes I think about how Christians treat each other. People being children of God sometimes forget that we are each other's brothers and sisters. . .what a profound thought. How easy it must be for God to love all of us. Being a parent, I can't imagine it any other way.

It's all about living

I'm sitting at my parents computer finishing my luke warm coffee and listening to my little boy's tender heart spill out in emotion in a way that is only "acceptable" for a two year old to express. During his melt down, I feel the same way that he does. His words ring in my ears, "But I thought they're not leaving! I thought they're not going home!" My brother Bradley and his wife just pulled away in a car headed to the airport. Matthew got married on Saturday. We hugged him and his new beautiful bride goodbye yesterday. The last of the family is leaving tomorrow. It's been bittersweet. The taste is still in my mouth but my heart hurts right now. I just miss our yesterdays. That's life, though. Savoring every moment isn't something that I knew how to do when I was a kid. I remember what it was like to be chased around the front yard by my brother Bradley with stink bugs in his hands. I used to sing Matthew to sleep before I went out on dates in high school. Dinner was always fun because there never failed to be a funny story that left everyone out of breath from laughter. I remember having to make sure I didn't have food in my mouth when dad told a story. . .with Bradley, there was always something unexpected that he would say. I was always the gullable one that believed everything anyone said. Let me tell you something. . .it's not because I'm stupid. It's because of trust. Trust and love is what glues our family together and I feel lucky to have the memories that I do. Even the bad ones. I didn't know what savoring those moments meant, then. I do now.

I've been sleeping at my parents with the kids every night that everyone has been here. It felt like home. One morning I just layed in bed with my eyes open. The hazy, soft morning light peeping in the window and the smell of sausage cooking with a hint of coffee was like a cuddly blanket around me. All day long the hum of people noise constantly overtook the quiet of every room. The sweet southern accents of my Aunt and my Papa surrounded me with a feeling of calm amidst the stressful rushing around before going anywhere. In fact, stress was almost fun. This time around, though, it's me that has the bundles of shtuff that has to go with us everywhere "or so help me!" My daughter took so well to my Aunt Iris, that I almost don't know what I'm going to do without her! Caylee is going to have withdrawals.

We were all together to see my baby brother get married. We didn't get to see him much. He just got back from Iraq and is living two states away, now. He was engaged the whole time he was over there. So, his agenda was to marry his stunning beauty and ride her off into the sunset. Mine was to drink up every moment I could with my family. . .I wish I could have seen him more, though. I feel like I didn't get enough time with my brothers. Everything is different now. We all have our separate lives and priorities. It's so strange to know that both of my "little" brothers are married and we all live in different states with our spouses. Yes, I cried at the wedding. I have the memory of his expression burned into my mind of when he first saw his bride on thier wedding day. He is absolutely in love with his wife.

The reception was a party to remember! I had Caylee strapped to me most of the night even as I sang Unchained Melody for Matt and Ashley to dance to. She was my dance partner and she slept most of the time! Joshua started the reception with his very full diaper at his ankles (underneath his clothes) and ended the night naked, peeing in front of the Officers Club. It was Classic. From the time Joshua found the dance floor, he decided to own it! I saw him take a little girls hand and spin himself underneath it! Adorable! Of course her arm was so tweaked around that she ran away from him after he did it. One of the most priceless moments of the night was when the dance floor suddenly went quiet and it felt like time stood still for a second. I turned around to see something that took my breath from me in surprise. My son was glowing. He had green glowy stuff dripping like slime from his mouth. It was all over his cute little suit that he wore as the ring bearer and the glowy stuff was splattered on the floor. It look like an alien from a horror movie had french kissed him! He had bitten into a glow stick. Thank God they are non-toxic. The "boys" including my handsome husband and my daddy were all outside smoking cigars while the ladies danced crazy on the dance floor. My 81 year old Papa even danced. . .fast!!! I also got a slow dance with him. I asked him if he was enjoying his vacation. I don't talk to him much and so I think I was a little bit nervous searching for words. I said, "I love vacation! It's all about good food for me!" We're always eating at my house! There's always conversation around the breakfast lunch and dinner table that floods my memory with happiness. That's what I was referring to. Then, I looked into his eyes as we were slow dancing and he said to me with a sweet, wise voice, and a nod of the head "It's all about living."

Alone

Sitting on the back porch at my mom's house I could faintly hear the excitment in my two year old's voice inside as they played on the computer watching videos on You Tube. My 1 month old little girl was inside peacefully sleeping. . .it's about the only time that she's peaceful. I needed to be alone. It was dark outside except for the glow of the lights coming from the back door from inside the house. So, I lit my candle. Yep, I brought a candle from home just for a moment like this. I feel like a dork. But, it set a nice mood for me. It was Vanilla scented. I looked at the stars. It's been a long time since I'd looked at the stars. I remember looking at the stars all the time while I was a teenager, mostly with whatever boy I was "dating" at the time. Geez. . .some of those relationships lasted maybe two weeks. Ha. That's funny. Relationship. . .I had a couple that were a little over a year. One of those year relationships was with someone that my husband stole me away from. Yes, these are the things I think about when I'm alone. My mind actually gets the opportunity to wander. NOT possible with two kids under the age of 3. I'm constantly moving. At this moment, I was still. . .I rocked back in the rocking chair and closed my eyes. It was actually chilly outside. My parents house is backed up to the desert so I got wafts of cool and warm air every 3 seconds. Nice. My mind wandered again. I was alone. Strange to be alone. Even when I go to the bathroom I'm not alone. I either have tiny fingers under the door attached to a voice calling me mama. . .or I can hear my newborn's cry while someone else is holding her when I'm in the shower. I was alone. My eyes still closed, I felt the breeze gently playing with my hair, the strands that frame my face dusting my cheeks. I took a deep breath in. I was relaxed. . .much to the help of the pinot grigio that I was sipping on. I swear I only drank a couple tablespoons of it! Not that I have to explain myself. I am a grown woman, you know. Ha. Sometimes, I still don't feel like it. I've been so emotional lately. So needy as I take care of the needs of the people who need me. My kids. . .my husband. What about me? Yes, these are the thoughts that crowd my head when I'm alone. . .when my mind is not being consumed by someone else's questions. . .or demands. What about me. What a selfish way to think. But, that's the way of the human heart sometimes. Being giving without wanting to be. Being selfless but still feeling selfish. I need to be alone sometimes, I guess. My eyes were still closed. . .the crickets were almost deafening in the absence of my children's voices. I heard a horse somewhere off in the distance. Then, the neighbor's Air conditioner kicked on or something. A loud manmade object broke me out of my bliss. I opened my eyes. The sliding glass door to the backyard opened. . .out tromped my precious little two year old. Of course the first thing he noticed was my candle. My mom followed him over to try to stop the inevitable. He blew it out. My mom apologized for interupting my moment and went back inside. I looked back over at Joshua. He was so proud of himself that I couldn't be saddened by the smell of my extinguished candle. I told him, "Thank you, I can see the stars better, now" I smiled. He took the candle back inside to my mom and proudly proclaimed, "I blew it out for mama!" My time alone was over. It was fleeting, but nice. And it was needed.

My son.

From a distance (really, it sounded pretty far away!) I heard the frantic voice of my two year old son.

"HELP!! HELP!!!"


So, I started looking for him. I thought it was coming from the garage. . .It was locked from the inside. . .I looked anyway. Still no sign of Joshua.

"HELP!!! HELP!!!"

Where was it coming from? I looked toward the bedroom door. . .looked in the bedroom. Debated looking in the closets or under blankets. It just wasn't making sense to me!

"Joshua!!! Where are you?" I yelled.

"In heee--ah!"

No! I frowned. It couldn't be. . .

I opened the dryer. Out popped his two little feet and then his whole body. My son.

Seriously?

This morning was awesome! Caylee stayed up for an hour and a half in the middle of the night with gas but then she let me sleep for 4 1/2 hours straight! I am such a better mom when I get sleep. I type this as I listen to her pooping in the other room. . .another poop, another feeding and I'll be able to finish it later, I guess.
So, I felt great this morning. I decided to take the kids for a walk. "The kids". That sounds so funny to me. We went to the park. Joshua was good the whole time. No time outs. . .no talking back. He didn't utter that word one time. The word that I hear him say at least 50 times a day. No kidding. . .Can you guess it? The word is "No". He even uses it to begin most of his sentences. It's like he anticipates not being able to get his way. Example: "No, I want to watch Thomas the Train!" And that's me doing my own thing and him coming into the room to tell me. "No, I want juice!" We're working on the "May I please. . .thank you. . .and your welcome", again. He's getting better. I think it's really going to take at least a month for things to get back to some sort of normal for him. He's down for a nap. . .that's good. He didn't fight it, either. I think I'm starting to get my Joshua back.
At the park it was beautiful. It was sunny, breezy, perfect temperature. . .I was sitting on a bench underneath a shade tree watching Joshua roll his cars down the slide. A pre-teen looking boy with shaggy hair and a hat. . .probably taller than me came over, sat down next to me and asked which kid was mine. I thought it was strange that he was asking me that, but I answered him and smiled. He told me Joshua was cute. About 30 seconds later, I figured out the reason he was sitting by me. He was using me as protection of sorts. Two other teenage boys came over to the bench and started asking him to fight. The boy that was sitting on the bench said, "You really want to get kicked in the balls? I'm not going to fight you right now. I have a girlfriend here (she was sitting at a picnic table underneath a ramada). The other two boys were egging him on saying, "It's now or never!" I wouldn't have gotten involved if it didn't irritate me that these little boys had the mouths of sailors. So, after a bad word, I interupted and said, "Hey, could you please watch your language, there's kids over here." One of the boys looked at me with squinty eyes and then seemed sorry when he apologized. Then he continued trying to get this other kid to go somewhere else to fight him. The kid next to me said, "Can't you see, there's adults around here?" At this point, I was irritated with these two boys standing over the bench I was sitting on. They were interupting my beautiful day with discusting attitudes and squeaky puberty voices that I shouldn't have to deal with yet. I have at least another 10 years until I'm supposed to parent that. I interupted again, "I'd rather you not talk like this around my son. You really should leave. We were here first and my son doesn't need to be around this kind of behavior." Well, I became the role modle today. I was the parent looking over those kids shoulders telling them that the behavior they were exibiting was not appropriate. I said, "Are you serious? Are you being serious or are you really friends?" I almost didn't know. Boys treat each other that way sometimes when they're friends. . .but they were so young and squeaky that it was almost comical to listen to them try to fight. The boy standing over the bench trying to pick the fight said, "I'm serious." Then, the kids kept at it. He kept trying to get the other boy to go fight him. He said, "you don't just flick (yes he said flick, not flip) me off and then run away at the bus stop!" I said, "why can't you just ignore it?" He said, "I can, but it made me really angry." So, I said, "Why can't you just talk it out? Let me explain something to you. In the real world, when you become an adult, when you're on your own and you have bills to pay, if you handle things like this you'll end up in jail. It's more respectable to just walk away." He said, "But you can't just flick me off and run away!" So, I said, " I don't agree with what he did, either, but you're a better person if you just walk away. So, please walk away." And they did. The other boy that was sitting next to me had his head resting in his hands, eyes covered by his unruly hair and he just sat there for a minute. Then he got up, seemed almost embarrased by what had happened and he went back over to the ramada where his friends were. His "girlfriend" had left in the middle of the verbal fight between the boys. He told this other girl underneath the ramada not to tell his girlfriend but that he wished that she was his girlfriend instead. Another boy said, "but don't you love her?" He said, "Yes, but if she wasn't here, I would have fought him." So, I stopped listening and went back to enjoying my peacefully breezy day. So, now, I have one thing left to say about that. Seriously?

Caylee's Birth Story.

5/11/2009

It was just another day of Braxton hicks contractions. I swept and vacuumed the house, cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and I went to the grocery store so that I could make dinner for my in-laws.

5:30 Irritated. Lower back pain--felt menstral. . .irritable and braxton hicks 30 minutes apart. . .it wasn't painful, though so I thought nothing of it.

9:30 PM: So irritated that I was going to have another night of false labor that I picked Joshua up, put him in the stroller and took a very fast and hard walk around the park

11:00: Went to bed. Woke up to go to the bathroom a few times but still no labor.

5/12/2009

6:30 AM: Joshua came to bed with us and layed smack dab in the middle of my pregnancy pillow. I turned over to find another pillow and went back to sleep.

6:55 AM: Woke up to what felt like a BIG MAN HAND punching me in the cervix. I heard something. Didn't sound like a pop, though. I think I recall making some kind of sound. . .I got up and felt a gush of warm fluid. I thought I might have peed my pants. Seriously. So, I went to the bathroom and I sat there for about 5 long minutes contemlating. . ."pee or amniotic fluid. . .did I pee my pants or did my water break?" I had my first contraction at the end of that 5 minutes but it wasn't much stronger than the braxton hicks I had had over the course of the last month. I decided, just in case. . .I would take a shower. I looked over at my two peacefully sleeping men in my life laying so quietly on the bed and I closed the door to the bathroom. Another contraction. "What?" I thought. This was 5 minutes after the first one. This had never happened before. I got in the shower and the water felt so good on my achey back that I thought I couldn't possibly be in labor. It was easing whatever discomfort I was feeling. 2 minutes later? Another one? I took about a 15 minute shower and I had at least 7 contractions in the shower. . .each one harder and longer than the last. By the end of my shower I was still in denial that I was in labor. I dried off, went back into my bedroom and grabbed some hair lotion, slathered it all in my hair with the intent of going curly and by that time I couldn't even stand up straight. Didn't finish my hair. . .I was definately in labor with contractions 2 minutes apart.

7:20 AM. I whispered, "Chris!!!" As loud as I could, but trying not to wake up Joshua. He sat up in bed and frowned. He looked back at me and whispered, "What's wrong? Are you okay? What are you doing?" I was staring at him with sopping wet hair, clutching the wall to our bathroom (you can see the mirror of our bathroom from the bedroom---it's an open area without a door). I was doubled over in pain trying to talk through my contraction. By this time, Chris had no idea at all what was going on. The contraction ended and I walked over to the bed and explained that I thought my water broke and I thought I might be in labor. He told me to call the Birth Center. I told him to call his mom to pick up Joshua just in case. . .he did.

7:23: Joshua popped out of bed just talking away. . .I told him that my tummy hurt and not to be scared because It needed to hurt so baby Caylee could come out.

7:24 another contraction---halfway through the contraction, Joshua tapped me on the belly, "You're feelin' betta now, wite, mama?" I whispered, "Just go get daddy. . "

7:25: Chris brought me my phone and asked me if I had called the birth center yet. Still having contractions 1 1/2 to 2 minutes apart, I tried to explain that I couldn't. But, I pushed the saved # in my phone and attempted to tell the person on the other end of the line that I thought I was in labor. Yes, I said, "I think I'm in labor" and that took me about 1 full minute to get out. Chris was on his phone with my mom as I was doing this. I gave the phone to Chris so he could finish giving my info to the lady and she said the midwife would call me back. We had reached the answering service.

7:30: My midwife called me back. Chris answered the phone and gave it to me. She asked me what was going on. Again, I attempted to say, "I think my water broke at 7:00 AM and I can't even time my contractions." Later my midwife told me that she couldn't understand one word that I had said! To that she said, "I think it's time to go to the hospital. I'll meet you there."

7:31: I was sitting on the toilet because I felt like I had to poop. Sorry. . .too much information. Chris peeked in and said, "well, I'm gonna get a shower, then." To that, I remember yelling, "You don't have time to get a shower. We have to go right now!" I was holding the door to the bathroom with my eyes closed moaning ( I read about this somewhere) through the contractions. I then said, I can't do this anymore! Then, I immediatly felt like I was going to throw up and told Chris to get me some ice. I thought, "Oh crap, I'm in transition." But how was this possible? I was only 1/2 an hour into labor!!

7:32: Chris said, "Well, I'll get Joshua in the car, then. . ." He was rushing around with really wide eyes like he didn't know what to do. . .it was so funny. If I wasn't in labor, I think I would have laughed, but I couldn't bring myself to at the time7:33: Chris walked in the door, "where are the bags?" I told him. . .and he ran them out to the car. I still hadn't told him that I thought I was in transistion.

7:35: Chris helped me to the car, I turned on the seat warmer and got ready for the ride of my life.

7:45: Gary (my father in law) drove up next to our car right as we were getting ready to turn onto the main road to leave our neighborhood. We practically threw Joshua to Gary and we were on our way. We went through 3 school zones. . .stopped at all the lights, even the crosswalk ones and Chris drove like a crazy person! I told him to. He told me the highest speed he reached was 90. I remember when he did that because I closed my eyes as he was passing people using a turn lane and I thought hospital thoughts. "don't have the baby in the car, don't have the baby in the car. . ." "Do you want music?" Chris so sweetly asked me. "NO" I said as he slammed on the breaks to turn a corner again. He later told me, "When you drive fast, you have to slam on the breaks so you don't hit people." Every time he hit the breaks I was having a contraction and Caylee's little head slammed into my cervix. I'm sure it sped things along. About 10 minutes before we got to the hospital I told Chris I needed an epidural. He told me that by the time we got there I wouldn't have time for one. He said, "By the time we get there, you'll be ready to push!" I thought he was just trying to blow smoke up my behind to give me confidence. He kept telling me what a good job I was doing. I hummed through every contraction. . .It really, really helps! I finally let Chris turn on the radio. . he turned it to a Christian station. . .I don't remember the song that was playing, but I remember the radio went back off after about 5 minutes. By the time we got to the hospital, my contractions were 30 seconds to a minute apart.

8:30 I stepped out of the car, held on to Chris's neck and I couldn't move. Chris said, he remembers someone in the background saying, "I think she's in labor!" A security guard pulled up with a wheel chair, I sat down and have never ridden in one of those things so fast in my life before. Poor guy seemed scared that I wasn't going to make it to the room or something. He yelled, "Where do you want her?" My eyes were closed the whole time, but I opened them to my midwife's calm voice telling me that I had to stand up and get undressed so she could check me. I stood up, held onto the side of the bed and leaned on it with my hands. I couldn't move again. Contractions were one on top of another. They stripped me down to my bra and Chris walked in after having parked the car. When I think back on how he might have felt, it leaves me with another 'bout of laughter. My husband walked in as I was naked, big pregnant butt staring at him. I mooned my husband at the door. I can just imagine what his facial expression might have been like. Finally I layed down in bed so they could check me. Expecting to be there for another 10 hours I said, " I don't want to lay down!!" The midwife calmly but very assertively said, "you have to just for a minute so I can find out where we're at." So, she did. Contractions are still one on top of another at this point and my eyes were closed the whole time. My midwife told me to look at her. She could probably tell that I was in desperation at the idea that this kind of labor was going to last so many more hours. So, I looked at her and she said very firmly, "This is different this time around. You're already 8 to 9 centimeters. . .you're almost done. We're gonna have a baby!" I thought, "Yeah right, with my son I was 9 1/2 centimeters for 3 hours." My midwife talked me through the next 2 contractions. . .she said, "just moan through it. . " She demonstrated a deep throaty moan and I coppied her, "so that's the right way to do it," I thought as my midwifes voice sounded like it was in a tunnel echoing around me. She said, "now, breathe slowly and let you're body relax at the end of this contraction. I know it still hurts but it's almost over. . .just relax." And I did. Strange. I noticed that my hands were even relaxed. With Joshua, there's a picture of my hands gripping the side of the bedrail, with knuckes white as snow. She told me to lay down again so she could check me. "Already?!" I don't know if that was outloud or in my head. Apparently the baby's heartrate had dropped. I was unaware of this at the time. My midwife told me to flip to the left, then the right, then the left again. This seemed like an almost impossible task until she said, "it's for your baby!" Then I did it very quickly. She checked me and referring to the "station" position of the baby's head said, "3. . .2. . .1. . .crowing! Give me a glove! Give me a glove!" She only managed to get one glove on. and told me to push. I was astonished at the idea because I didn't feel like pushing yet. So, I started pushing. Then I really felt like pushing, so I gave it my best go. . .right when I was really into it at the end of that first push, She told me to stop! So, hesitantly, I did. I was later told that when I stopped pushing, she was unwrapping the cord from Caylee's neck. She told me to push one more time and I felt her whole body come out of me at once!!!

8:42 AM. Caylee Mae was on my stomach, skin to skin. All 6 pounds 14 oz of her. 18.5 inches long.

Crazy. Seriously, that is a really crazy memory for me. There was a wet, warm, screaming person on my stomach. Skin to skin. Cord still attached. It's what I had always wanted. What I invisioned. I was just so shocked by it all. My first thought was, "We just got here. . .Am I done already?" Then I thought, "Thank God Chris didn't take a shower." I just stared at her. She was so mad! The sound of my voice wouldn't make her stop crying, but it was precious. But it was loud! All I could think was, "Wow." They left the cord attached for a good 8 or 9 minutes. Chris cut the cord. My mom walked in the door before I delivered the placenta and I didn't tear! She's a natural nurser, too! She was nursing about 5 minutes after the cord was cut. Soon after that, my mother in law and father in law walked in the room with Joshua in tow. My blood wasn't clotting, so they had to give me tons of pitocin. . . they kept uping it because I was bleeding more than average. The pit made me feel sick and made me cramp really hard. It felt like the beginning of labor again. So, they had to give me two different shots of nasea medicine and two different pain killers before I was back in the bliss stage of just having a baby. So, when Joshua walked in, I was focused on not throwing up and breathing through the pain of the medicine. That's the only thing that really disappointed me. I didn't get to enjoy my kids meeting for the first time. I kind of saw his reaction. He didn't really want anything to do with her at first. Chris bribed him with new cars. Chris said, "you can have your new cars after you hold her. So, I'm going to post the picture of that. He had the Popeye face/Grand-dandy frown! I'll also post some happier pictures of the two of them. Before he held her for the first time, he looked over at me and I said Hi to him. Then he said a matter of factly, "My baby sister's here!" It was after that, that he asked for new cars. I told him that after Caylee was born, he would get new cars. So, I think he associated her birth with that. He's slowly warming up to her, now. My mom was visiting the other day and she was holding her. She was just about ready to go and Joshua told her, "You're not taking my baby sister." It took a couple days for Joshua to warm back up to me. He didn't want to hug me in the hospital. I bribed him with the bed. The adjustable bed that can close me up like a clam shell! It was fun. He jumped up and pushed all the buttons. I cuddled with him. . .he didn't know it, though. I had really missed my little boy! Last night, Joshua and I held hands while I nursed Caylee as he was watching a cartoon. He's adjusting.

So, my kids are like night and day when it comes to resemblance. JJ was born with bleach blonde hair . . .and not a lot of it. Caylee has thick dark hair. JJ had my feet and Caylee has Chris's! Caylee has my ears and Joshua had Chris's. He was a very soft crier. . .she can do an impression of a kitten, a baby eagle and a mouse. When she's not happy, there is no mistaking it. Joshua was a little bit more laid back and quiet. . .She's sweet, though. . .and a cuddler. Joshua just wanted Nah. She just want's Nah, but she'll let daddy cuddle with her as an alternative (at least for a few minutes of distraction!)

So, I'm still in a little bit of disbelief. We haven't reached her due date and yet, she's here. She wasn't waiting, either! It's a totally different experience to have a 1 hour 40 minute labor from start to finish vs. a 20 hour labor. I feel like our family is complete, now. It's a good feeling. Next goal. . .lose the baby weight! My little brother is getting married in two months! JJ will be the ring bearer. . .that's gonna be fun!

And time keeps ticking

NO motivation. Nesting is officially over. This happened with Joshua, too. I know what needs to get done, but I'd rather just not do it. Laundry is piling up again. I lete the kitchen go 2 days without cleaning it. Gross. For the last week I've said I was going to thoroughly clean my bathroom. Hasn't happened. I'm not even motivated to write. I'm forcing myself to do it right now because I know it makes me feel better. It's an outlet. When I just feel like saying something that isn't relevant or appropriate at the given moment, I can when I write. It's easier to write sometimes, than it is to tell Chris to put the TV on mute 10 times in a 5 minute period.



Random thought #1: At night, I get up and go to the bathroom every hour and a half to 2 hours. My blinds in the bathroom are open all the time. I'm not sure what constellation I look at every night, but, I look at it EVERY NIGHT. . .every 1 and a half to two hours. I should just go outside and figure it out one night. I bet it's Leo. Maybe I'll do that tonight. We'll see.



Random thought #2: My hands smell like playdough and I have bubbles in my hair.



Random thought #3: I'm tired of The Little Einsteins, but it lets me get stuff done. Ha. I'm not getting anything done right now. It is the background music to my wasting time right now.



Random thought #4: Joshua likes to pretend that his teddybear is a baby. We wrap it up and rock it. . .burp it and he puts it to bed in Caylee's crib. Cute, huh? Then, when he's all done, he throws it up in the air, and Chris doesn't fail to say, "But we don't throw babies. . ."



Random thought # 5: The bathroom could be half clean by now.



Random thought #6: "Linestines" are over now. . .should I put on Reading Rainbow, or "play markers"?



Random thought #7: Seriously no motivation. None.



Random thought #8: WHY IS IT ALREADY 90 DEGREES????!!!! It's the middle of April!!!!!!! My floor will never be clean again. Chris is going to get a baby pool. It will be a baby-doggie pool and mud and dirt like it better inside my house on my freshly mopped floor.



Random thought #9: I'm really not hesitating or thinking before I type any of these random thoughts. This is not a well thought out blog. I'm just venting what's inside this hormonal pregnant brain of mine.



Random thought #10: My midwife told me that if I haven't popped by 39 weeks, they would induce me if I wanted. I don't want to be induced again. It was a horrible experience. I really want my body to do this on it's own, but I don't want to go to 41 weeks. It's disheartening when an ultrasound technician tells you that your placenta is old and don't have any amniotic fluid left. What's wrong with my body? Why didn't Joshua come out by himself?????



Random thought #11: Irritated. Now, I just feel irritated. Enjoy the rest of your pregancy, people say. It will be my last, but who enjoys being kicked in the ribs every morning at 7 AM while a toddler is pulling covers off of the head saying, "Would you like break-tist? How 'bout waffles and eggs or oatmeal?" And peeing every hour is getting old. . .not to mention having to eat carefully to control my freakin' blood sugar. I have to make myself bleed 4 times a day to prove that I don't eat icecream and frenchfries with my vegetables. My belly is sitting on my lap. It's gross. It feels like a 15 pound basketball that I can't put down. And it gets in the way of my cuddle time with Joshua. Not to mention the fact that I run into things and open doors on my belly at least 5 times a day. Why can't I just get it through my head that I can't squeeze through tight spaces any more!



Random thought #12: I won't even be able to go swimming until July after I have the baby. That really, really blows.



Random thought #13: My pretty flowers that I put in my favorite latte mug are now dead. Staring at them makes me sad. I need to throw them out.



Random thought #14: I put on a different episode of The Little Einsteins. I feel like a horrible mother. TV is babysitting my child. I swore I would never let that happen. Chris has the car, so I can't go anywhere with him. I'm not taking a walk or going to the park when it's over 90 degrees. . .especially pregnant when I feel 10 degrees hotter than I really am. Irritated again.



Random thought #15: One more week until I'm officially full term, but that doesn't mean anything. What that means is I can hope for a week until I'm not pregnant anymore or I can face reality that it could be another 5. FIVE more weeks. That is an eternity.



Random thought #16: I sure am negative today.



Random thought #17: Not feeling better yet.



Random thought #18: When I was 18 years old, i felt so pretty. That's when I had the most confidence in my body. Now, my 2 year old son tells me that I'm pretty all the time. He doesn't know that my pregnant body is 10 times larger than my non-pregnant body. I showed him a picture of me when I was eighteen and I asked him who that was. He said, "I Don't Know. . ." He thinks pretty is a round stomach and a butt that counter balances it? I asked him what pretty means. . .he said as he demonstrated, "when you hug and love and when you're nice. . ." Then, I added, "and when you like the way someone looks on the outside, like the hair, eyes, smile, clothes. . .but it's also when you like them on the inside. . ." Chris thinks he does understand the physical aspect of it, though. Joshua points out girls on TV and says that they're pretty. He prefers blondes. I must just be pretty in a different way to him. In the better way. I think we should try to see life like the eyes of a child, more often. It's pretty mind blowing how shallow we adults can be.

Okay. . .random thought time is over. I started this blog at 11:00 AM and it's actually 11:00 PM right now. I should be in bed right now, but my brain won't stop chugging away. It's like a train that doesn't stay on track. It goes back and forth and back and forth. . .getting nowhere and not letting anyone cross the tracks. So, there's this long line of cars getting pissed off at the fact that the train is in the way. I would say that the cars symbolize life in general. . .sleep in this instance. I am tired. I'm just not.

So, let me tell you a story. Then, I'll go to bed. Chris brought home a baby pool today. Joshua decided he'd rather be in it naked than with a swimsuit on. I think he didn't understand the concept of it. They are shorts, right? So, after about a half an hour of play, I decided I might better tell him not to pee in the pool. So, he got out and with much concentration and a slight squat (it was really cute and funny) he peed a whole lot in the rocks. Then, I told him that I smelled doggie poo poo. I talk to him just to talk sometimes. It makes me feel like a human being. Then he went out into the rocks (bare in mind that he was completely naked) and I couldn't quite hear what he had said until it happened. He squatted down, legs together, like he was going to sit in a chair, only, this child didn't have a chair to sit in. It was incredible the strength that he had in his stomach to do this. His face turned red with clenched fists and then I heard it. I heard what he had said 10 seconds ago. "I'm going to poop like the doggie." And he did. Much as I tried, I couldn't stop laughing. Me and my big, jolly Santa Claus belly laughed all the way to the bathroom dragging my two year old with me to get him to finish pooping on the potty. I laughed so hard it made my stomach hurt. I told him that only doggies poo poo outside. I said, "Mommy, Daddy, Oma, Opa, Nanny, Pappy and even Katie and Emily ALL poo poo on the potty, so don't poo poo outside anymore, okay?" He said, "Okay. " Long, long pause, "But I want to go pee outside! May I please pee pee outside?!" And so the potty training begins. I'll let him pee outside anyday if it saves money on diapers. We're going to be buying twice as many in a few weeks, ya know.

Seriously, I'll go to bed, now.

grrrrrr...

"Mom?"

As Joshua yanks the covers off of my head, "Are you hiding?"

My brain whispers, "yes, leave me alone." The little angel on my right shoulder says, "Your sweet little two year old is hungry, needs a diaper change and needs attention." The little devil on my left shoulder says, "Sleep. . .you never get to sleep and are woken up by kicks from the inside, a bladder that fakes you out and a little boy who wants to cuddle in the middle of the night."

Joshua: "mama, get up!" Pulls the covers all the way off of me.

Chris has the remote. He looks at me like I'm doing something wrong.

"I'll get up in 5 minutes." Did I just say minutes or nimutes?

Devil: "It's Saturday, technically this should be your day off. Let your husband do it for once."

Angel: "Your husband is not a morning person and Joshua might not like his eggs."

Devil: " Your husband just glared at you and he went to sleep before you did last night and didn't get up with Joshua!"

Angel: "Come on, they're doing the Love Dare, where's the selfless attitude?"

Devil: "Seriously?"

Angel: "Seriously!!!!!"

Caylee: Kick. Jabb. STAB. KNEE!!

"Okay. I'm up!"


4/3/09

Joshua: Handing his new big boy cup to daddy says, "I got juice!"

I looked over. Chris looked over at me and raised his eyebrow. Then he smelled inside the cup. Laughing he said, "It would be funny, wouldn't it? Juice all over the floor. . ." Do you see what's coming? About a half an hour later, I went to the kitchen to wrap it up before bed. The refrigerator door was wide open. . . puddles of juice spilled down the racks and a huge sticky mess of juice all over the floor in front of it. The juice container was half empty and sitting on the table in the kitchen. He was serious as a heart attack. He got juice.

Don't read this if you're pregnant. I'm serious.

Seriously. WTF.

Sitting here drinking some tea with milk and honey in it, I'm starting to feel a little bit better.

This morning started off really pleasant. Well, kind of. Joshua came to our bedroom at 7:30 after sleeping through the night in his own room and threw a pillow in my face. I don't think he meant to. He just always brings something from his room to ours, puts it on our bed and climbs in. So, that immediatly woke me up. I looked at him, he handed me his (my) soft, pink blanket and said, "mama, will you help me go back to my bedroom?" I said, "No, you don't have to, it's already morning!" I fed the dog, got dressed, made breakfast and left Joshua in the company of his cousins for Chris to watch while I went to my OB Dr. appt. Happy that Joshua would get out all of his morning energy with Katie and Emily, I had a nice relaxing drive to my appointment. When I got there, I signed in and sat down to a Child Parent magazine. I opened it up and decided to read the first article that I saw because there was a picture of a drawn woman breastfeeding her child. I thought it would be something uplifting. Then, I started reading. My chest tightened, my heart started palpitating and I felt tears stinging my eyes as my stubborn hands wouldn't listen to my mind telling them to put the freaking magazine down. That word. That unforgetable word that pulsates in my mind envelopes my heart with grief that has never been my own. The definition of fear: "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger." Danger of what? My heart breaking into a million peices and my imagined life crumbling in my hands. In an OBGYN office, this magazine had an article about a mother's beautiful yet empty birth experience. Her little girl was stillborn. That word should be banned from a pregnant woman's vocabulary and accessablility. The cord that was wrapped around her neck and arm cut off circulation and her heart stopped beating immediatly after the mother's water broke. The breastfeeding picture was put in the article because of this phrase, "My milk came in and poured out like tears for my lost child." The title of the article did not lead on that anything tragic would be told. . .it was a nice title. I thought it was okay to read. Especially in an OB's office. I should have ripped the story out so that nobody else would come across it. Anyway, after I read about the booby tears my name was called and I got to be weighed (5 pounds by the way in one month--better than the 9 pounds I gained last month). Then I was left in an empty office to wait to listen to my baby's heartbeat. The midwife walked in and she said, "Are you okay? You look. . ." Then she drooped her shoulders and made a sad face. I said, "Yes. . ." and then in one sentence I told the story above and about 3 words into it I lost it. I cried. Uncontrolable tears. I don't know where they came from, I just knew my face was wet. So, she made me hop up on the table to listen to Caylee's heart and of course it sounded like a race horse galloping. I'm measuring at 31 weeks which is perfect and she checked me because of all the braxton hicks contractions I've been having and my cervix is long, thick and closed. Mind at ease, the tears stopped and my appointment was over. As I was driving home I realized something. Something that I almost don't want Caylee to know. I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant. My mind told me that I wasn't ready for another baby and that it wasn't good timing. I didn't want to be pregnant at the time. It's not that I didn't want another baby, it just wasn't my plan for that moment. It was God's, though. So, I endured the morning sickness and the emotional and physical growing pains. I felt like less of a mother to Joshua for a while because I physically felt good for nothing. I had no energy, no motivation, and my attitude was just always negative. Then, I started feeling the baby move. It made it more real to me, I guess, but it just wasn't enough to feel any kind of connection. I didn't know how to connect with something inside me that I hadn't met. I had Joshua and the love for him was so deep that I coudn't imagine having love for another person like that. Then, I found out it was a girl. That terrified me. What was I going to do with a girl? I don't know how to be a little girl's mommy. Then she started moving a lot more and I could almost imagine what her personality might be like. But, still. . .no connection. I tried to develop some kind of connection, but I was so tired from chasing Joshua around and trying to step up and be a better mother to him. . . not to mention be a better wife to Chris and attempt a clean house that I just didn't have time to try to feel something that didn't come naturally. I was starting to get worried. I knew that I would love my child no matter what, but I just wasn't looking forward to her arrival. I had so many anxieties. "What if something's wrong with her?" "What if I can't survive the first week with a 2 year old?" "What if something goes terribly wrong during the delivery?" All this BS that I read that happens to 1 percent of the population I imagined would happen to me. I had all these anxieties yet no connection with my baby. Mostly not a connection to the reality that I am going to have another baby. I told Chris this the other day and he said, "Deanna. You have a person inside of you." That got my mind going, but it wasn't until today that it actually hit me. Today at 3 days shy of 8 months pregnant, I have come to the realization that I REALLY WANT THIS BABY. I want to hold my baby. . .cuddle with her. I want to stare into her eyes and then watch her sleep. I can't wait until she latches on for the first time to breastfeed. I want to be her mommy. Now, it's not merely something that's happening to me. I want it. I want her. I'm ready for my family to grow. So, maybe, I was meant to read that article. It was heartwrenching, but it made me realize that me not being in control can sometimes be a good thing. My midwife assured me that the whole stillbirth thing is very, very, very rare. I just need to be more optimistic. I seem to lean more towards the glass being half empty most of the time. Lately, I've been looking for things to look forward to in attempt to get myself out of this lull that I've been in. A good friend of mine told me yesterday, "I don't want to sound like I'm coming down on you, but you need to look forward to every day. . .I mean, come on. . ." I needed to hear that. She's right. So, that's my goal right now. I'm not going to look so far ahead to the future or worry about things I can't control. I'm going to put my energy into enjoying everything, and every day of my life. I can't be a light for Jesus if I'm always blowing out my own flame.

busy busy busy busy

Today, I've managed to clean the bathroom, make breakfast, visit with a friend, take a walk, mop the floor, cut up a cantalope, banana and strawberries for snack, have some peppermint tea, read Joshua 4 books, put him down for a nap, put lunch in the oven and pay all the bills for March before 1:30 PM. That's a lot for me. I still need to clean the kitchen, fit in a shower, take Joshua to the park (because I promised him I would) and make dinner before our new 8:30 bedtime routine of eating yogurt, reading stories, singing songs and cuddling to sleep.

That being said, I think I'll take a 5 minute "do nothing" break and stop wasting time on the computer.

Oh no. . .

Yesterday, Joshua was watching something on TV and asked who a character on the show was. I said, "that's her mommy." His eyes widened as he gently touched my arm and said, "This is my mommy. . ." I said, "That's right. . .and when your baby sister comes out, I'm going to be her mommy too. I am going to be Joshua's mommy and Caylee's mommy." I smiled and rubbed his back. I then continued my explaination wanting him to really hear what I was saying, "So, that means that you are going to share your mommy with Caylee." He cocked his head to the side and stared off into the distance in deep concentration. As I tell you this next part, remember, JJ just weaned a few months ago and I do take baths with him and change in front of him. I was wearing a nursing bra that I bought when I was first nursing Joshua so that I could decide if I would need a new one this time. You know, size and comfort and durability kind of thing. It has a snap and it came undone as I was talking to him. So, I lifted up my shirt and fixed it. I decided that this was a good time to remind him again that the baby would have Nah all the time since he would be witnessing this in the coming months. After I said this to him, his eyes got even wider, he smacked his lips as his mouth watered and he said, "And I can share!!" it made me giggle and I explained to him again that Nah is for babies and that he's a big boy and doesn't need it anymore. I gave him a hug and he changed the subject. If Joshua does get curious when I'm nursing Caylee, I have decided that it's okay for him to taste it in a cup. Judge me if you want to, but that's what my mom did to me. Mom, if you're reading this, this is a memory that has stuck in my head. I was four 1/2 years old when my brother Bradley was born. Mom was nursing him and I asked what she was doing. I must have looked really curious because she explained it and then asked if I wanted to taste it in a cup. Now, the difference between me and joshua is I didn't remember what nursing was, JJ will. But, I quickly refused and that was the end of my curiosity. I'm not sure if JJ will respond the way I did, but I do know that breastmilk for newborns has a different taste and consistancy than milk for almost 2 year olds (the age Joshua was when he quit nursing). So, my hope is that he just won't like it.

JJ's Nah. . .

Deanna=very emotional person.
Deanna pregnant=very emotional person times 100.

Chris just brought be some peppermint tea. He knows that hot tea is my favorite way to relax and is sometimes better than a warm hug that will only make me cry harder. He is very sweet. He gets me and I love that about him.

When Joshua became a part of our family, he became a part of who we are. It's like watching a little spawn of us both walking around, developing his own personality. He is so much like both of us. He's ornery, like Chris and emotional, like me. He is considerate of other people's feelings and he needs to feel accepted. He acts older than he is, and I constantly need to remind myself that he's only two.

Let me say, that sometimes I feel guilty for being pregnant. I got pregnant when he was 18 months old. The first 3 months I was sick constantly. I had no energy what-so-ever and I was irritable as all get out. After I started feeling better, I thought really hard about weaning him. My late nurser still needed it for emotional comfort and he was really attached to his Nah. And let me tell anyone who stumbles across this blog that disagrees with "extended nursing" My little boy missed flu season this year and he's never had an ear infection. That's one thing that I just don't understand. How is formula so widely accepted (granted some mothers actually do have a physical problem with the milk coming in) yet mothers who choose to breastfeed past age one are frowned upon? I'll just be candid. It really bothers me when people say they stopped breastfeeding because they were cracked and bleeding and it was just too painful and stressful. I cracked and bled. . .yes real yucky scabby blood for 3 weeks straight and it was never quite comfortable to breasfeed for about 3 months, yet I was stubborn enough to continue it. Then I worked full time for 9 months of my son's life and I pumped 3 times a day. Did I mention I pumped in my car when it was over 100 degrees outside and my lunch break was only 30 minutes. I was fortunate enough to get enough milk out to not have to supplement with formula. He was exclusively breastfed for 7 months. It was not easy. Maybe JJ gets some of his hardheadedness from me. And it drives me crazy that when our kids turn a year old doctors tell us that our babies need milk from a cow. Like I said. I just don't get it. Did you know that children that are nursed past a year score higher on IQ tests. Yes, I'm going to brag for a second. Joshua can sing his abc's without missing any letters (that includes l, m, n, o, and p) and he could count to 10 before he turned two. He sings at least 7 very long songs word for word. His vocabulary is insane! He scares me. I feel like someday, he's going to be smarter than me. He's very loving and considerate of how other people feel. And at two years old, when he's supposed to, as the books say, play side by side with other children his age, instead he tries to play with them. Call me a hippie, but I do believe that this is because of my ever so powerful Nah. Nah, by the way is a word that he came up with for it, and it just stuck. Sorry, I got a little off tangent. When I was 4 months pregnant, I decided to make JJ go cold turkey. This was just before he turned two. I told him, "Nah is empty now. You drank it all. It's all gone." He used to nurse before bed and at naptime. . .by this time I had finally night weaned him. So, let me tell you, I haven't had a full 8 hours sleep since I was pregnant with him. Anyway, it was a hard week. The second day, he asked for Nah and when I told him it was empty, he threw his head down on my chest to cry helplessly at the death of his precious bond to me. After about a week, he still asked for it, but instead of crying, he just sighed and let me rock him. He came to bed with us about two hours into the night and he slept through the night for a while. Remember, I said HE slept through then night. Not me!! I didn't want to deny him sleeping with us since I took away his Nah. Then, as my stomach started taking over the bed I got tired of his absent minded sleep kicks. . .tired of sleeping on my right side after getting smart and turning over. . .and tired of having about 12 inches of my KING size bed to work with just so I could wake up every 30 minutes to push him back to the middle of the bed. I finally wised up and started putting him back in his own bed. It's taken about two weeks (yes this was just recently), but now he only gets up once a night. Since I'm already awake when he comes in the room, Chris doesn't wake up, and I'm ready to walk him to his room and lay down with him. And this is what happens. My eyes are already open, I see him walk into my room and before he gets to the bed, I am already up. He turns around and without speaking one word or touching me, he walks back to his room with me following. He gets into his bed and curls up, closes his eyes and hugs my neck as I lay down with him. He falls asleep within 2 minutes. I know it needed to happen. I knew he would eventually stop nursing, but I always said that I was going to let him self wean. And, it was happening VERY SLOWLY. . .but then I got pregnant and that sped up the process. It became something that I took from him instead of something that he didn't need anymore. And I know he didn't really need it, but do you know what it's like to have such an emotional bond to your child like that? Nobody else could ever give him what I was giving him. It was precious. It was love. . .we have since then learned how to bond in other ways. Now, we have story time, singing time and cuddle time before bed. He also likes to sit with me more often just to be close. I do miss him sleeping with us, too. I know there's a lot of parents out there who say, no way, no how to kids sleeping in thier bed. But, Chris and I both enjoyed it. Joshua was a little cuddle bug when he slept with us. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But, being pregnant and sleeping with a toddler is nearly impossible. I also wanted to get him used to being in his own room and own bed before the baby comes. I'm not keen on the idea of a crying baby waking him up and then having a cranky toddler and tired mom in the morning. So, that was the reason we kicked him out of our bed. I just miss him, sometimes. And, I know how old he is. . .and how big he is, but I miss my baby boy and his nah. I'll never have that again with him. I will with my little girl, but it will be a different experience. I know I'll enjoy it and it will be something special between us, but I'll never forget my boy and his Nah.

That's why I ended up with a wet face as I left Joshua's room tonight. Before bed, Joshua touched my eyebrows, and said, "Your eybrows are soft." Then he touched my eyes and said, "I like your eyes because your eyes are soft." Then he rubbed my cheek and said, "Your cheek is soft." then, "your neck is soft, too." Then he caught be off guard and gently touched my chest just where my skin shows below my neck and said, "And your Nah is soft." Then he told me, "when the baby comes out, the baby will have nah all the time." I said, "yes, because Nah is for babies. When you were a baby, you had Nah all the time, too. But now you're a big boy so you don't need it." He looked down in a blank stare and then his little eyebrows turned down in sadness. I said, "but, you can still have hugs and kisses and cuddles!" And he hugged me. He said, "I'm getting tired now." I smiled, with tears in my heart that I didn't want him to see. Then, he said, "Can I get some lovin's". And I held him until he fell asleep. Now my face is wet again. See what pregnancy does to me? I'd probably feel the same way if I wasn't pregnant, just 100 times better. I love my little boy and in reality, I know I didn't really take Nah away from him. It was probably time. I just miss that ever so trusting gaze, and the love pats. But that void has been filled with cuddles, and lovin's. . .and kisses. He's learned how to kiss with the sound. It's wet, loud and cute! I just know that his life is going to change when Caylee is born. I think I'm just hesitant about the inevitable. I'm a little bit scared. But, I know it will be a good change as Chris says. He says that I'm an "incredible mother" with one and that I will be even better with two. I just have to believe that, I guess. For now, I wait. As I wait for life to happen (literally), I'm trying to focus on living in the moment. I'll never get these moments back, so I might as well enjoy them.

Breakfast

About 7 AM every morning, Joshua climbs onto the bed with me and Chris and says, "Is it breck-tist time?" And every morning after having woken up 5 times to go to the bathroom and once to put him back in his bed, I tell him, "give me 5 minutes". So, he does. Then he pushes the remote onto the bed and askes to watch the "linesteins". That's The Little Einsteins. About 10 minutes later, Joshua says, "Is it breck-tist time, yet?" Then I ask him to turn off the fan so that I can get up. So, he does. Then he climbs up on the bed and pulls on my hand and says, "Get up, mama!!" So I do.

This morning, I pulled a homemade frozen waffle out of the freezer (Joshua's favorite breakfast food), and I made an omelete with onions and cheese. Joshua came into the kitchen and asked what I was making. Then he heard the toaster pop up, got a chair and looked and said in an uncontrollable excited yell, "VERY GOOD JOB, MAMA!! WE'RE HAVING EGGS AND TOAST!" He calls waffles toast no matter how many times I correct him. It's been a long time since someone told me that I did a very good job at anything. Thank you, Joshua.

Food for my heart. . .

Last night, my son took me out dancing. As most of you know, I do west coast swing. It seems that Joshua is going to take after me in that respect. He didn't want me to dance with anyone else but him. He was so adorable! He bobbed his head, tapped his feet, jumped up and down and just couldn't physically stop moving his body to the music. Then, he led me on to the dance floor and spun himself around underneath my hand. He also pulled me around mimicking the other dancers on the floor. What caught me by complete surprise was how detail oriented he is. He's two! So, keep this in mind when you read the next part. He watched one leader do a sugar push. That's just a basic step in west coast swing. It's one of the first steps that beginners will learn. Anyway, he did the first four steps of the leader's sugar push exactly and then backed up really fast to the music. For you who don't dance, it's a 1, 2, 3 and 4, 5 and 6 count. So, he walked his 1, 2, 3 and 4 forward and then backed up really fast on the last few steps. It was so accurate looking that the ladies watching him beside me asked if I was teaching him. And, of course I'm not! He's only 2!!!!! He was just observing. He had so much fun! And so did I, despite the fact that I only actually danced 1 and 1/2 songs with people other than him. He is my little sweetheart!

Today, we took a drive out to La Encantada, the outside mall here. I stuffed all four of JJ's pockets full of pennies and we went on a fountain hunt. He made wishes for 45 minutes in 4 fountains that we found, and then we learned all about escalators. He calls them Ex-calators. He says the word and then says, "the x says. . ." and then demonstrates the x sound. I don't know how to spell the x sound.

Two years ago, if someone told me that a toddlers kiss was going to change my life forever, I would have thought it was a sweet idea, but too gushy for me. Joshua just learned how to kiss. He used to just say "MMMMMMM-wah!" and press his lips against our cheeks. Now he actually kisses. He's so random about it, too. Today, during lunch, he pulled my face to his, kissed my cheek, hugged my arm and said, "I love you!" I just feel like my purpose in life right now, really is to be a mom. And why am I the lucky one? Why did God choose me to be Joshua's mom? I can't imagine what it will be like with two kids, but I guess I'll just grow more love out of my heart. Every time Joshua kisses my cheek, or gives me a hug or even just smiles at me bashfully after I tell him he did a good job at something, it feeds the love and it grows by leaps and bounds. When I was a little girl, people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said, "A mom". I was right.

I hate computers. I don't use that word lightly. I had almost finished this first posting and then boom. Gone. Wiped out. Tried to get it back. Didn't work. Just saw the "Save now button". Grrrrrrr. So. Let's try this again.

I'm finally starting a family blog. I know I'm not good at phone calls. I'm sorry. I worked in a call center for too many years to enjoy talking to anyone on the phone. It's not you, it's me. Seriously. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let me tell you where we're at in life at the moment. I am a SAHM of a two year old little boy and the other half of a wonderful sweetheart of a man that I call my "handsome husband". When we got married, the minister told us that we should always use those terms for each other, so as not to forget how we felt on our wedding day. His for me is "beautiful bride." I like it. Of course, life brings heartache, challenges, amazing experiences and so much laughter! So, when I say we won't forget how we felt when we got married, what I mean is. . .we were babies in our relationship then. There is so much more to feel now. . .so much more to love. We have another little human being on the way due in May. A girl. Really? I was astonished when I found out the news. I had always said that I didn't want a girl. I didn't want to deal with the hormones or the dating and I already have such a mama's boy that has my heart wrapped around his little finger. What am I going to do with a girl? Bows and frilly dresses? Pink? It took a while, but now whenever I see a precious baby girl, my heart melts. I'm actually starting to get excited. Chris has been excited about it for a while. The other day, he told me that he's looking forward to holding her for the first time. Me? I'm just having a hard time imagining what a girl will look like coming out of me! But, with every little (ahem, did I say little?). . .with every extremely rough and tumble kick and jab inside of me, I start to feel love for this little miracle that's happening right before my eyes. Two 1/2 to 3 months from now, our lives will change yet again. I guess I won't know what hit me. The love that I feel for my little boy is more than I ever thought possible. And it grows every day. From what I'm told, it's not any different with the second child. So, little Caylee Mae, I think I'm ready for you. I have to show Chris how to make shake and bake pork chops now. . .more later!