JJ's Nah. . .

Deanna=very emotional person.
Deanna pregnant=very emotional person times 100.

Chris just brought be some peppermint tea. He knows that hot tea is my favorite way to relax and is sometimes better than a warm hug that will only make me cry harder. He is very sweet. He gets me and I love that about him.

When Joshua became a part of our family, he became a part of who we are. It's like watching a little spawn of us both walking around, developing his own personality. He is so much like both of us. He's ornery, like Chris and emotional, like me. He is considerate of other people's feelings and he needs to feel accepted. He acts older than he is, and I constantly need to remind myself that he's only two.

Let me say, that sometimes I feel guilty for being pregnant. I got pregnant when he was 18 months old. The first 3 months I was sick constantly. I had no energy what-so-ever and I was irritable as all get out. After I started feeling better, I thought really hard about weaning him. My late nurser still needed it for emotional comfort and he was really attached to his Nah. And let me tell anyone who stumbles across this blog that disagrees with "extended nursing" My little boy missed flu season this year and he's never had an ear infection. That's one thing that I just don't understand. How is formula so widely accepted (granted some mothers actually do have a physical problem with the milk coming in) yet mothers who choose to breastfeed past age one are frowned upon? I'll just be candid. It really bothers me when people say they stopped breastfeeding because they were cracked and bleeding and it was just too painful and stressful. I cracked and bled. . .yes real yucky scabby blood for 3 weeks straight and it was never quite comfortable to breasfeed for about 3 months, yet I was stubborn enough to continue it. Then I worked full time for 9 months of my son's life and I pumped 3 times a day. Did I mention I pumped in my car when it was over 100 degrees outside and my lunch break was only 30 minutes. I was fortunate enough to get enough milk out to not have to supplement with formula. He was exclusively breastfed for 7 months. It was not easy. Maybe JJ gets some of his hardheadedness from me. And it drives me crazy that when our kids turn a year old doctors tell us that our babies need milk from a cow. Like I said. I just don't get it. Did you know that children that are nursed past a year score higher on IQ tests. Yes, I'm going to brag for a second. Joshua can sing his abc's without missing any letters (that includes l, m, n, o, and p) and he could count to 10 before he turned two. He sings at least 7 very long songs word for word. His vocabulary is insane! He scares me. I feel like someday, he's going to be smarter than me. He's very loving and considerate of how other people feel. And at two years old, when he's supposed to, as the books say, play side by side with other children his age, instead he tries to play with them. Call me a hippie, but I do believe that this is because of my ever so powerful Nah. Nah, by the way is a word that he came up with for it, and it just stuck. Sorry, I got a little off tangent. When I was 4 months pregnant, I decided to make JJ go cold turkey. This was just before he turned two. I told him, "Nah is empty now. You drank it all. It's all gone." He used to nurse before bed and at naptime. . .by this time I had finally night weaned him. So, let me tell you, I haven't had a full 8 hours sleep since I was pregnant with him. Anyway, it was a hard week. The second day, he asked for Nah and when I told him it was empty, he threw his head down on my chest to cry helplessly at the death of his precious bond to me. After about a week, he still asked for it, but instead of crying, he just sighed and let me rock him. He came to bed with us about two hours into the night and he slept through the night for a while. Remember, I said HE slept through then night. Not me!! I didn't want to deny him sleeping with us since I took away his Nah. Then, as my stomach started taking over the bed I got tired of his absent minded sleep kicks. . .tired of sleeping on my right side after getting smart and turning over. . .and tired of having about 12 inches of my KING size bed to work with just so I could wake up every 30 minutes to push him back to the middle of the bed. I finally wised up and started putting him back in his own bed. It's taken about two weeks (yes this was just recently), but now he only gets up once a night. Since I'm already awake when he comes in the room, Chris doesn't wake up, and I'm ready to walk him to his room and lay down with him. And this is what happens. My eyes are already open, I see him walk into my room and before he gets to the bed, I am already up. He turns around and without speaking one word or touching me, he walks back to his room with me following. He gets into his bed and curls up, closes his eyes and hugs my neck as I lay down with him. He falls asleep within 2 minutes. I know it needed to happen. I knew he would eventually stop nursing, but I always said that I was going to let him self wean. And, it was happening VERY SLOWLY. . .but then I got pregnant and that sped up the process. It became something that I took from him instead of something that he didn't need anymore. And I know he didn't really need it, but do you know what it's like to have such an emotional bond to your child like that? Nobody else could ever give him what I was giving him. It was precious. It was love. . .we have since then learned how to bond in other ways. Now, we have story time, singing time and cuddle time before bed. He also likes to sit with me more often just to be close. I do miss him sleeping with us, too. I know there's a lot of parents out there who say, no way, no how to kids sleeping in thier bed. But, Chris and I both enjoyed it. Joshua was a little cuddle bug when he slept with us. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But, being pregnant and sleeping with a toddler is nearly impossible. I also wanted to get him used to being in his own room and own bed before the baby comes. I'm not keen on the idea of a crying baby waking him up and then having a cranky toddler and tired mom in the morning. So, that was the reason we kicked him out of our bed. I just miss him, sometimes. And, I know how old he is. . .and how big he is, but I miss my baby boy and his nah. I'll never have that again with him. I will with my little girl, but it will be a different experience. I know I'll enjoy it and it will be something special between us, but I'll never forget my boy and his Nah.

That's why I ended up with a wet face as I left Joshua's room tonight. Before bed, Joshua touched my eyebrows, and said, "Your eybrows are soft." Then he touched my eyes and said, "I like your eyes because your eyes are soft." Then he rubbed my cheek and said, "Your cheek is soft." then, "your neck is soft, too." Then he caught be off guard and gently touched my chest just where my skin shows below my neck and said, "And your Nah is soft." Then he told me, "when the baby comes out, the baby will have nah all the time." I said, "yes, because Nah is for babies. When you were a baby, you had Nah all the time, too. But now you're a big boy so you don't need it." He looked down in a blank stare and then his little eyebrows turned down in sadness. I said, "but, you can still have hugs and kisses and cuddles!" And he hugged me. He said, "I'm getting tired now." I smiled, with tears in my heart that I didn't want him to see. Then, he said, "Can I get some lovin's". And I held him until he fell asleep. Now my face is wet again. See what pregnancy does to me? I'd probably feel the same way if I wasn't pregnant, just 100 times better. I love my little boy and in reality, I know I didn't really take Nah away from him. It was probably time. I just miss that ever so trusting gaze, and the love pats. But that void has been filled with cuddles, and lovin's. . .and kisses. He's learned how to kiss with the sound. It's wet, loud and cute! I just know that his life is going to change when Caylee is born. I think I'm just hesitant about the inevitable. I'm a little bit scared. But, I know it will be a good change as Chris says. He says that I'm an "incredible mother" with one and that I will be even better with two. I just have to believe that, I guess. For now, I wait. As I wait for life to happen (literally), I'm trying to focus on living in the moment. I'll never get these moments back, so I might as well enjoy them.