Don't read this if you're pregnant. I'm serious.

Seriously. WTF.

Sitting here drinking some tea with milk and honey in it, I'm starting to feel a little bit better.

This morning started off really pleasant. Well, kind of. Joshua came to our bedroom at 7:30 after sleeping through the night in his own room and threw a pillow in my face. I don't think he meant to. He just always brings something from his room to ours, puts it on our bed and climbs in. So, that immediatly woke me up. I looked at him, he handed me his (my) soft, pink blanket and said, "mama, will you help me go back to my bedroom?" I said, "No, you don't have to, it's already morning!" I fed the dog, got dressed, made breakfast and left Joshua in the company of his cousins for Chris to watch while I went to my OB Dr. appt. Happy that Joshua would get out all of his morning energy with Katie and Emily, I had a nice relaxing drive to my appointment. When I got there, I signed in and sat down to a Child Parent magazine. I opened it up and decided to read the first article that I saw because there was a picture of a drawn woman breastfeeding her child. I thought it would be something uplifting. Then, I started reading. My chest tightened, my heart started palpitating and I felt tears stinging my eyes as my stubborn hands wouldn't listen to my mind telling them to put the freaking magazine down. That word. That unforgetable word that pulsates in my mind envelopes my heart with grief that has never been my own. The definition of fear: "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger." Danger of what? My heart breaking into a million peices and my imagined life crumbling in my hands. In an OBGYN office, this magazine had an article about a mother's beautiful yet empty birth experience. Her little girl was stillborn. That word should be banned from a pregnant woman's vocabulary and accessablility. The cord that was wrapped around her neck and arm cut off circulation and her heart stopped beating immediatly after the mother's water broke. The breastfeeding picture was put in the article because of this phrase, "My milk came in and poured out like tears for my lost child." The title of the article did not lead on that anything tragic would be told. . .it was a nice title. I thought it was okay to read. Especially in an OB's office. I should have ripped the story out so that nobody else would come across it. Anyway, after I read about the booby tears my name was called and I got to be weighed (5 pounds by the way in one month--better than the 9 pounds I gained last month). Then I was left in an empty office to wait to listen to my baby's heartbeat. The midwife walked in and she said, "Are you okay? You look. . ." Then she drooped her shoulders and made a sad face. I said, "Yes. . ." and then in one sentence I told the story above and about 3 words into it I lost it. I cried. Uncontrolable tears. I don't know where they came from, I just knew my face was wet. So, she made me hop up on the table to listen to Caylee's heart and of course it sounded like a race horse galloping. I'm measuring at 31 weeks which is perfect and she checked me because of all the braxton hicks contractions I've been having and my cervix is long, thick and closed. Mind at ease, the tears stopped and my appointment was over. As I was driving home I realized something. Something that I almost don't want Caylee to know. I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant. My mind told me that I wasn't ready for another baby and that it wasn't good timing. I didn't want to be pregnant at the time. It's not that I didn't want another baby, it just wasn't my plan for that moment. It was God's, though. So, I endured the morning sickness and the emotional and physical growing pains. I felt like less of a mother to Joshua for a while because I physically felt good for nothing. I had no energy, no motivation, and my attitude was just always negative. Then, I started feeling the baby move. It made it more real to me, I guess, but it just wasn't enough to feel any kind of connection. I didn't know how to connect with something inside me that I hadn't met. I had Joshua and the love for him was so deep that I coudn't imagine having love for another person like that. Then, I found out it was a girl. That terrified me. What was I going to do with a girl? I don't know how to be a little girl's mommy. Then she started moving a lot more and I could almost imagine what her personality might be like. But, still. . .no connection. I tried to develop some kind of connection, but I was so tired from chasing Joshua around and trying to step up and be a better mother to him. . . not to mention be a better wife to Chris and attempt a clean house that I just didn't have time to try to feel something that didn't come naturally. I was starting to get worried. I knew that I would love my child no matter what, but I just wasn't looking forward to her arrival. I had so many anxieties. "What if something's wrong with her?" "What if I can't survive the first week with a 2 year old?" "What if something goes terribly wrong during the delivery?" All this BS that I read that happens to 1 percent of the population I imagined would happen to me. I had all these anxieties yet no connection with my baby. Mostly not a connection to the reality that I am going to have another baby. I told Chris this the other day and he said, "Deanna. You have a person inside of you." That got my mind going, but it wasn't until today that it actually hit me. Today at 3 days shy of 8 months pregnant, I have come to the realization that I REALLY WANT THIS BABY. I want to hold my baby. . .cuddle with her. I want to stare into her eyes and then watch her sleep. I can't wait until she latches on for the first time to breastfeed. I want to be her mommy. Now, it's not merely something that's happening to me. I want it. I want her. I'm ready for my family to grow. So, maybe, I was meant to read that article. It was heartwrenching, but it made me realize that me not being in control can sometimes be a good thing. My midwife assured me that the whole stillbirth thing is very, very, very rare. I just need to be more optimistic. I seem to lean more towards the glass being half empty most of the time. Lately, I've been looking for things to look forward to in attempt to get myself out of this lull that I've been in. A good friend of mine told me yesterday, "I don't want to sound like I'm coming down on you, but you need to look forward to every day. . .I mean, come on. . ." I needed to hear that. She's right. So, that's my goal right now. I'm not going to look so far ahead to the future or worry about things I can't control. I'm going to put my energy into enjoying everything, and every day of my life. I can't be a light for Jesus if I'm always blowing out my own flame.

busy busy busy busy

Today, I've managed to clean the bathroom, make breakfast, visit with a friend, take a walk, mop the floor, cut up a cantalope, banana and strawberries for snack, have some peppermint tea, read Joshua 4 books, put him down for a nap, put lunch in the oven and pay all the bills for March before 1:30 PM. That's a lot for me. I still need to clean the kitchen, fit in a shower, take Joshua to the park (because I promised him I would) and make dinner before our new 8:30 bedtime routine of eating yogurt, reading stories, singing songs and cuddling to sleep.

That being said, I think I'll take a 5 minute "do nothing" break and stop wasting time on the computer.

Oh no. . .

Yesterday, Joshua was watching something on TV and asked who a character on the show was. I said, "that's her mommy." His eyes widened as he gently touched my arm and said, "This is my mommy. . ." I said, "That's right. . .and when your baby sister comes out, I'm going to be her mommy too. I am going to be Joshua's mommy and Caylee's mommy." I smiled and rubbed his back. I then continued my explaination wanting him to really hear what I was saying, "So, that means that you are going to share your mommy with Caylee." He cocked his head to the side and stared off into the distance in deep concentration. As I tell you this next part, remember, JJ just weaned a few months ago and I do take baths with him and change in front of him. I was wearing a nursing bra that I bought when I was first nursing Joshua so that I could decide if I would need a new one this time. You know, size and comfort and durability kind of thing. It has a snap and it came undone as I was talking to him. So, I lifted up my shirt and fixed it. I decided that this was a good time to remind him again that the baby would have Nah all the time since he would be witnessing this in the coming months. After I said this to him, his eyes got even wider, he smacked his lips as his mouth watered and he said, "And I can share!!" it made me giggle and I explained to him again that Nah is for babies and that he's a big boy and doesn't need it anymore. I gave him a hug and he changed the subject. If Joshua does get curious when I'm nursing Caylee, I have decided that it's okay for him to taste it in a cup. Judge me if you want to, but that's what my mom did to me. Mom, if you're reading this, this is a memory that has stuck in my head. I was four 1/2 years old when my brother Bradley was born. Mom was nursing him and I asked what she was doing. I must have looked really curious because she explained it and then asked if I wanted to taste it in a cup. Now, the difference between me and joshua is I didn't remember what nursing was, JJ will. But, I quickly refused and that was the end of my curiosity. I'm not sure if JJ will respond the way I did, but I do know that breastmilk for newborns has a different taste and consistancy than milk for almost 2 year olds (the age Joshua was when he quit nursing). So, my hope is that he just won't like it.

JJ's Nah. . .

Deanna=very emotional person.
Deanna pregnant=very emotional person times 100.

Chris just brought be some peppermint tea. He knows that hot tea is my favorite way to relax and is sometimes better than a warm hug that will only make me cry harder. He is very sweet. He gets me and I love that about him.

When Joshua became a part of our family, he became a part of who we are. It's like watching a little spawn of us both walking around, developing his own personality. He is so much like both of us. He's ornery, like Chris and emotional, like me. He is considerate of other people's feelings and he needs to feel accepted. He acts older than he is, and I constantly need to remind myself that he's only two.

Let me say, that sometimes I feel guilty for being pregnant. I got pregnant when he was 18 months old. The first 3 months I was sick constantly. I had no energy what-so-ever and I was irritable as all get out. After I started feeling better, I thought really hard about weaning him. My late nurser still needed it for emotional comfort and he was really attached to his Nah. And let me tell anyone who stumbles across this blog that disagrees with "extended nursing" My little boy missed flu season this year and he's never had an ear infection. That's one thing that I just don't understand. How is formula so widely accepted (granted some mothers actually do have a physical problem with the milk coming in) yet mothers who choose to breastfeed past age one are frowned upon? I'll just be candid. It really bothers me when people say they stopped breastfeeding because they were cracked and bleeding and it was just too painful and stressful. I cracked and bled. . .yes real yucky scabby blood for 3 weeks straight and it was never quite comfortable to breasfeed for about 3 months, yet I was stubborn enough to continue it. Then I worked full time for 9 months of my son's life and I pumped 3 times a day. Did I mention I pumped in my car when it was over 100 degrees outside and my lunch break was only 30 minutes. I was fortunate enough to get enough milk out to not have to supplement with formula. He was exclusively breastfed for 7 months. It was not easy. Maybe JJ gets some of his hardheadedness from me. And it drives me crazy that when our kids turn a year old doctors tell us that our babies need milk from a cow. Like I said. I just don't get it. Did you know that children that are nursed past a year score higher on IQ tests. Yes, I'm going to brag for a second. Joshua can sing his abc's without missing any letters (that includes l, m, n, o, and p) and he could count to 10 before he turned two. He sings at least 7 very long songs word for word. His vocabulary is insane! He scares me. I feel like someday, he's going to be smarter than me. He's very loving and considerate of how other people feel. And at two years old, when he's supposed to, as the books say, play side by side with other children his age, instead he tries to play with them. Call me a hippie, but I do believe that this is because of my ever so powerful Nah. Nah, by the way is a word that he came up with for it, and it just stuck. Sorry, I got a little off tangent. When I was 4 months pregnant, I decided to make JJ go cold turkey. This was just before he turned two. I told him, "Nah is empty now. You drank it all. It's all gone." He used to nurse before bed and at naptime. . .by this time I had finally night weaned him. So, let me tell you, I haven't had a full 8 hours sleep since I was pregnant with him. Anyway, it was a hard week. The second day, he asked for Nah and when I told him it was empty, he threw his head down on my chest to cry helplessly at the death of his precious bond to me. After about a week, he still asked for it, but instead of crying, he just sighed and let me rock him. He came to bed with us about two hours into the night and he slept through the night for a while. Remember, I said HE slept through then night. Not me!! I didn't want to deny him sleeping with us since I took away his Nah. Then, as my stomach started taking over the bed I got tired of his absent minded sleep kicks. . .tired of sleeping on my right side after getting smart and turning over. . .and tired of having about 12 inches of my KING size bed to work with just so I could wake up every 30 minutes to push him back to the middle of the bed. I finally wised up and started putting him back in his own bed. It's taken about two weeks (yes this was just recently), but now he only gets up once a night. Since I'm already awake when he comes in the room, Chris doesn't wake up, and I'm ready to walk him to his room and lay down with him. And this is what happens. My eyes are already open, I see him walk into my room and before he gets to the bed, I am already up. He turns around and without speaking one word or touching me, he walks back to his room with me following. He gets into his bed and curls up, closes his eyes and hugs my neck as I lay down with him. He falls asleep within 2 minutes. I know it needed to happen. I knew he would eventually stop nursing, but I always said that I was going to let him self wean. And, it was happening VERY SLOWLY. . .but then I got pregnant and that sped up the process. It became something that I took from him instead of something that he didn't need anymore. And I know he didn't really need it, but do you know what it's like to have such an emotional bond to your child like that? Nobody else could ever give him what I was giving him. It was precious. It was love. . .we have since then learned how to bond in other ways. Now, we have story time, singing time and cuddle time before bed. He also likes to sit with me more often just to be close. I do miss him sleeping with us, too. I know there's a lot of parents out there who say, no way, no how to kids sleeping in thier bed. But, Chris and I both enjoyed it. Joshua was a little cuddle bug when he slept with us. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But, being pregnant and sleeping with a toddler is nearly impossible. I also wanted to get him used to being in his own room and own bed before the baby comes. I'm not keen on the idea of a crying baby waking him up and then having a cranky toddler and tired mom in the morning. So, that was the reason we kicked him out of our bed. I just miss him, sometimes. And, I know how old he is. . .and how big he is, but I miss my baby boy and his nah. I'll never have that again with him. I will with my little girl, but it will be a different experience. I know I'll enjoy it and it will be something special between us, but I'll never forget my boy and his Nah.

That's why I ended up with a wet face as I left Joshua's room tonight. Before bed, Joshua touched my eyebrows, and said, "Your eybrows are soft." Then he touched my eyes and said, "I like your eyes because your eyes are soft." Then he rubbed my cheek and said, "Your cheek is soft." then, "your neck is soft, too." Then he caught be off guard and gently touched my chest just where my skin shows below my neck and said, "And your Nah is soft." Then he told me, "when the baby comes out, the baby will have nah all the time." I said, "yes, because Nah is for babies. When you were a baby, you had Nah all the time, too. But now you're a big boy so you don't need it." He looked down in a blank stare and then his little eyebrows turned down in sadness. I said, "but, you can still have hugs and kisses and cuddles!" And he hugged me. He said, "I'm getting tired now." I smiled, with tears in my heart that I didn't want him to see. Then, he said, "Can I get some lovin's". And I held him until he fell asleep. Now my face is wet again. See what pregnancy does to me? I'd probably feel the same way if I wasn't pregnant, just 100 times better. I love my little boy and in reality, I know I didn't really take Nah away from him. It was probably time. I just miss that ever so trusting gaze, and the love pats. But that void has been filled with cuddles, and lovin's. . .and kisses. He's learned how to kiss with the sound. It's wet, loud and cute! I just know that his life is going to change when Caylee is born. I think I'm just hesitant about the inevitable. I'm a little bit scared. But, I know it will be a good change as Chris says. He says that I'm an "incredible mother" with one and that I will be even better with two. I just have to believe that, I guess. For now, I wait. As I wait for life to happen (literally), I'm trying to focus on living in the moment. I'll never get these moments back, so I might as well enjoy them.

Breakfast

About 7 AM every morning, Joshua climbs onto the bed with me and Chris and says, "Is it breck-tist time?" And every morning after having woken up 5 times to go to the bathroom and once to put him back in his bed, I tell him, "give me 5 minutes". So, he does. Then he pushes the remote onto the bed and askes to watch the "linesteins". That's The Little Einsteins. About 10 minutes later, Joshua says, "Is it breck-tist time, yet?" Then I ask him to turn off the fan so that I can get up. So, he does. Then he climbs up on the bed and pulls on my hand and says, "Get up, mama!!" So I do.

This morning, I pulled a homemade frozen waffle out of the freezer (Joshua's favorite breakfast food), and I made an omelete with onions and cheese. Joshua came into the kitchen and asked what I was making. Then he heard the toaster pop up, got a chair and looked and said in an uncontrollable excited yell, "VERY GOOD JOB, MAMA!! WE'RE HAVING EGGS AND TOAST!" He calls waffles toast no matter how many times I correct him. It's been a long time since someone told me that I did a very good job at anything. Thank you, Joshua.

Food for my heart. . .

Last night, my son took me out dancing. As most of you know, I do west coast swing. It seems that Joshua is going to take after me in that respect. He didn't want me to dance with anyone else but him. He was so adorable! He bobbed his head, tapped his feet, jumped up and down and just couldn't physically stop moving his body to the music. Then, he led me on to the dance floor and spun himself around underneath my hand. He also pulled me around mimicking the other dancers on the floor. What caught me by complete surprise was how detail oriented he is. He's two! So, keep this in mind when you read the next part. He watched one leader do a sugar push. That's just a basic step in west coast swing. It's one of the first steps that beginners will learn. Anyway, he did the first four steps of the leader's sugar push exactly and then backed up really fast to the music. For you who don't dance, it's a 1, 2, 3 and 4, 5 and 6 count. So, he walked his 1, 2, 3 and 4 forward and then backed up really fast on the last few steps. It was so accurate looking that the ladies watching him beside me asked if I was teaching him. And, of course I'm not! He's only 2!!!!! He was just observing. He had so much fun! And so did I, despite the fact that I only actually danced 1 and 1/2 songs with people other than him. He is my little sweetheart!

Today, we took a drive out to La Encantada, the outside mall here. I stuffed all four of JJ's pockets full of pennies and we went on a fountain hunt. He made wishes for 45 minutes in 4 fountains that we found, and then we learned all about escalators. He calls them Ex-calators. He says the word and then says, "the x says. . ." and then demonstrates the x sound. I don't know how to spell the x sound.

Two years ago, if someone told me that a toddlers kiss was going to change my life forever, I would have thought it was a sweet idea, but too gushy for me. Joshua just learned how to kiss. He used to just say "MMMMMMM-wah!" and press his lips against our cheeks. Now he actually kisses. He's so random about it, too. Today, during lunch, he pulled my face to his, kissed my cheek, hugged my arm and said, "I love you!" I just feel like my purpose in life right now, really is to be a mom. And why am I the lucky one? Why did God choose me to be Joshua's mom? I can't imagine what it will be like with two kids, but I guess I'll just grow more love out of my heart. Every time Joshua kisses my cheek, or gives me a hug or even just smiles at me bashfully after I tell him he did a good job at something, it feeds the love and it grows by leaps and bounds. When I was a little girl, people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said, "A mom". I was right.