It was like a rusty nail constantly being driven into the wimpy edges of my sanity. . .the friend of the chalkboard nails when you have a migraine, and the partner of sand in your bathing suit with no place to wash off. It shredded my confidence as a mother and robbed me of precious time with my firstborn. I wanted nothing more than to cry myself back to sleep after my son would wake me up in the morning. Little did he know or understand for that matter that he woke me up from the 30th ten minute nap I had been able to catch that night. . .every night for 2 1/2 months straight. Yes, I understand, now, why sometimes just shoving a "Nah" in the baby's mouth just won't work. My daughter doesn't take breastmilk as a cure all pill. Colic has stained my memory with blurred insanity. My sweet little girl would scream. . .ahem. . .SCREAM and cry in what seemed like pain and discomfort from 9 PM (like clockwork) to 2 AM every morning. I burped her, fed her, bounced her, sang to her, rocked her, carried her up and down the street at midnight, danced with her, talked to her, gave her gas drops, burp her after every 30 seconds of nursing. Out of my diet, I cut out dairy, peppers, onions, beans, cauliflower, brocolli anything gassy. Most of the time when I got sleep it was on accident while sitting up in the "pink rocking chair" so that she could be upright when she actually slept. This child just didn't seem to need sleep and NOTHING I did was the right thing to do. . .between 9PM and 2AM every day. Sometimes it lasted until 3 or 4. Once I do remember seeing the clock at 5 AM after no sleep at all. I was amazed that when I fell asleep with her in the chair that she didn't fall out of my arms. I would wake up because it was too quiet. This is probably the reason I haven't written in this blog for so long. My creativity and motivation diminishes greatly with lack of sleep. I tried gripe waters, colic tablets, ginger tea, peppermint tea, massage. . .you name it. Finally after Many 2 AM internet searches for something that would cure my screaming daughter, I stumbled across Colic Calm. Yes, I am plugging them. I'm really only writing this in hopes that someone will stumble across this blog and get the relief that we did. I ordered the stuff after tireless researching of the ingredients listed in the product. . .even after I ordered it, I poured over the testimonials second guessing myself and wishing I didn't spend the money on something I wasn't even sure would work. It arrived within 2 days and I didn't wait. I didn't wait for the screaming to begin. I thought I'd try to be proactive. It was difficult at first to give my 2 month old daughter this stuff. She wanted to taste it so she'd try to push it out with her tongue. It has a very pleasant sweet taste. Much sweeter than breastmilk! And it's BLACK!!!! It's from the vegetable charcoal (the main ingredient) that draws out impurities from the system. The black part freaked me out a bit, but I quickly got over it. So, it always took about 15 minutes to give it to her and I had a wet washcloth in hand to clean up her face and an old ugly bib to catch anything that dripped. Anyway, I got off track a bit. When Caylee wasn't having her Colic fits, she was actually a bit tense all the time. Her whole body just seemed tense. She never really relaxed. After the first time I gave it to her at 2 PM, she relaxed. She was soft and cuddly. . .and she didn't start crying that night until 11:00. I gave it to her again at 11 and it took about 1/2 an hour for it to really take effect. . . My little miss screamer turned into a peaceful little angel from 11:30 to 3:30 in the morning. Then all it took was nursing her back to sleep because her magic curse colic time was over. The next day wasn't so blurry. . .then the next few weeks got a little bit clearer and I noticed that I had a husband again. . .and a son. She needed it until she was 3 1/2 months old and then the colic just sort of stopped. . .suddenly. I guess that's how it works. . .but whoever is out there reading this, you don't have to wait it out!!!! I think I may just make this my standby baby shower gift.

Anyway, it's been a few months now since the colic has passed, but the colic is what I think started my post partum depression this time around. I had it with Joshua, too, but I thought it was because I was juggling work and home life while exclusively breastfeeding and being forced to choose between pumping in my 100 degree car and the nasty call center bathroom! I'm not fond of those memories, but I know that I needed to go through that season of my life so that I would appreciate what I have now. Then, my daughter was colicky. So, the post partum depression well. . .it's fading. I think God has been teaching me how to lean on Him. . .and walk with Him. . .and TRUST Him. . .and hear Him. It's a lot of pressure to learn how to be a good mother of two, and a selfless wife at the same time. It's a lot of learning. . .and we're never perfect. But, God is. . .and if I can make Him my example and my Rock, at least I'll never see how far down I can go again. . .because I'll be looking up.