12/7/2010
I randomly thought of a memory I have of the day before I found out I was pregnant with you. I was so sick. I laid on the bed in my room...and watched country music videos (something I NEVER do) as your dad took care of the kids. I just couldn’t move, I was so sick!!! So, your daddy deemed it hot dog and french fry night. The kids loved it!!!! Anyway, dad walked in on my watching Country on TV and my face was wet. My eyes were pouring out tears!!! I don’t know what triggered it, but I was insanely emotional...and I felt so sick...I literally thought something was so wrong with me that I might be dying. It’s comical to me now as I think about it. When I finally stopped crying, I walked out of the room and into the kitchen where everyone was enjoying a "dad" meal. I looked outside, and it was absolutely beautiful. It was just about dusk...but the sun was setting. It was kind of a rainy, sunny, sunset. The clouds were neon pink and they cast a peachy glow on everything outside. The soil and rocks were damp from the light rain 10 minutes before and it smelled like the desert outside. It was like a dream. As I enjoyed that moment before I knew you existed, my stomach was churning. I was so naseated!!! But as I felt like hurling, I also enjoyed the smell of the hotdogs and was a little jealous that I wouldn’t be having one. This makes me chuckle a little bit. This is such a vivid memory to me.
Anyway, back to the present. You are such a little mover!!! The difference between you and the other two is your kicks and jabs are very painful! I know I felt a knee last night...I think I mostly feel knees and elbows from you. Occasionally, it feels like someone is massaging my tummy from the inside. When you start moving, it seems like you’re either just having fun kicking around or you just can’t get comfortable. I like to lay on my left side...you don’t seem to like it, though because that’s when I get a lot of knees and elbows. You’re starting to be on a schedule already. You do a lot of acrobatics at 10 PM for about half an hour or so...and again just after midnight until I finally am able to sleep through it...I have to say...with the other two children, the reason I was excited about delivery day (while I was pregnant) was because I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore after they were born!!! With you, though, I’m actually excited to meet you for the first time. To examine you and look you over....to see your pretty eyes and find out if you’re going to be a little blondie or a brunette...a lot of hair or just peach fuzz. I want to kiss your face and smell your newborn baby skin after you’re "milk drunk". I want to hold your fingers and touch your tiny toes...put bows in your hair and cute little footie pj’s on you!! I want to be your mommy. It’s taken me 7 months to realize that I couldn’t imagine life without you. Your brother and sister like to zerbert me on the belly. You get really still when that happens...JJ talks to you a lot. He puts his mouth on my belly like it’s a balloon and I can barely make out the words. It’s pretty funny. He’s going to be a really good big brother for you. Caylee is very affectionate and likes to take care of people...so, I know she’ll want to help me a lot with you! I have to take my gestational diabetes test again in a few days...yuck. And then on Monday, I’ll have an ultrasound to see if my low placenta has moved up. It better have, because I want to push you out. It’s so unnatural to be pulled out of a hole cut by a doctor! That’s one of my fears...Well, I’m almost finished with my tea...and the kids have been in bed for a couple hours...daddy has too! So, I’d better head in that direction.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Long time no blog.
REAAAAAAALLLY long time! Gone are the colic days...Caylee is now replacing those with night weaning, sleep training, taking diapers off (with poop in them while still wearing pants), climbing EVERYTHING, playing with dog poop and splashing in potties. That doesn't even begin to cover it all for her. She is just a magic hat full of personality. I've never met anyone more emotional than me, but she tops me by a long shot. Joshua is incredibly perceptive and beyond his years already. He's at that tender age where he is absorbing everything like a sponge. And he has a memory like an elephant. I am thankful that I get to stay home with him because I couldn't imagine what he might learn 8 or 9 hours away from me. When I went from 1 to two kids, I never imagined that they would actually love each other. It's a gift to watch. I love to hear them laugh together, but believe me, there are plenty of teachable moments when they do not get along. Can I imagine the laughter of 3 children in my house? NO. Not yet. I'm still coming to terms with it at 5 months pregnant. Another little girl to add to the mix will really spice things up, I guess. I just can't quite fathom it, yet. I have to sneak lavendar oil into Caylee's bath every night, lather her up in the stuff before bed and spray her sheets and pillows with the spray. And then pray that she'll sleep all night long. It's hit or miss at this point. It seems like it's 5 days on and 2 days off for her. When she doesn't sleep, she gets up every hour to two hours. When she does, she sleeps all night. At this point, I'm a little baffled by it. I just can't help but wonder what it would be like getting up with two children all night long. JJ on the other hand sleeps like a log. He sleeps through Caylee screaming at night. One night, I told him that it was okay to go sleep with daddy (this was after 2 hours of Caylee crying) and then I realized that he was, in fact, snoring away. I'm slowly accepting that keeping a clean house isn't half as important as taking a shower every couple days...at least a load of dishes goes into the dishwasher every day. I got that down! But that's about it. My husband constantly has to remind me that my most important and influencial job is raising the kids while he's at work. Raising kids. That's kind of a funny phrase. It's a test of patience. . . constant teaching and reminding. It's a never sit down job that is only rewarding in tiny moments. But those moments are pieces of my history that will forever be engraved in my mind. Moments that turn fatigue into unrealistic energy. Moments that make me forget about that dried booger on my shoulder that isn't my own. I cherish the responsibility that God has given me as Caylee and Joshua's mother. And now we get to welcome another life into the house. It's a gift. That phrase doesn't throw the anxiety out the window, though. But God has chosen me to be the mother of this little child growing inside of me. That idea leaves me speechless.
REAAAAAAALLLY long time! Gone are the colic days...Caylee is now replacing those with night weaning, sleep training, taking diapers off (with poop in them while still wearing pants), climbing EVERYTHING, playing with dog poop and splashing in potties. That doesn't even begin to cover it all for her. She is just a magic hat full of personality. I've never met anyone more emotional than me, but she tops me by a long shot. Joshua is incredibly perceptive and beyond his years already. He's at that tender age where he is absorbing everything like a sponge. And he has a memory like an elephant. I am thankful that I get to stay home with him because I couldn't imagine what he might learn 8 or 9 hours away from me. When I went from 1 to two kids, I never imagined that they would actually love each other. It's a gift to watch. I love to hear them laugh together, but believe me, there are plenty of teachable moments when they do not get along. Can I imagine the laughter of 3 children in my house? NO. Not yet. I'm still coming to terms with it at 5 months pregnant. Another little girl to add to the mix will really spice things up, I guess. I just can't quite fathom it, yet. I have to sneak lavendar oil into Caylee's bath every night, lather her up in the stuff before bed and spray her sheets and pillows with the spray. And then pray that she'll sleep all night long. It's hit or miss at this point. It seems like it's 5 days on and 2 days off for her. When she doesn't sleep, she gets up every hour to two hours. When she does, she sleeps all night. At this point, I'm a little baffled by it. I just can't help but wonder what it would be like getting up with two children all night long. JJ on the other hand sleeps like a log. He sleeps through Caylee screaming at night. One night, I told him that it was okay to go sleep with daddy (this was after 2 hours of Caylee crying) and then I realized that he was, in fact, snoring away. I'm slowly accepting that keeping a clean house isn't half as important as taking a shower every couple days...at least a load of dishes goes into the dishwasher every day. I got that down! But that's about it. My husband constantly has to remind me that my most important and influencial job is raising the kids while he's at work. Raising kids. That's kind of a funny phrase. It's a test of patience. . . constant teaching and reminding. It's a never sit down job that is only rewarding in tiny moments. But those moments are pieces of my history that will forever be engraved in my mind. Moments that turn fatigue into unrealistic energy. Moments that make me forget about that dried booger on my shoulder that isn't my own. I cherish the responsibility that God has given me as Caylee and Joshua's mother. And now we get to welcome another life into the house. It's a gift. That phrase doesn't throw the anxiety out the window, though. But God has chosen me to be the mother of this little child growing inside of me. That idea leaves me speechless.
Monday, January 4, 2010
It was like a rusty nail constantly being driven into the wimpy edges of my sanity. . .the friend of the chalkboard nails when you have a migraine, and the partner of sand in your bathing suit with no place to wash off. It shredded my confidence as a mother and robbed me of precious time with my firstborn. I wanted nothing more than to cry myself back to sleep after my son would wake me up in the morning. Little did he know or understand for that matter that he woke me up from the 30th ten minute nap I had been able to catch that night. . .every night for 2 1/2 months straight. Yes, I understand, now, why sometimes just shoving a "Nah" in the baby's mouth just won't work. My daughter doesn't take breastmilk as a cure all pill. Colic has stained my memory with blurred insanity. My sweet little girl would scream. . .ahem. . .SCREAM and cry in what seemed like pain and discomfort from 9 PM (like clockwork) to 2 AM every morning. I burped her, fed her, bounced her, sang to her, rocked her, carried her up and down the street at midnight, danced with her, talked to her, gave her gas drops, burp her after every 30 seconds of nursing. Out of my diet, I cut out dairy, peppers, onions, beans, cauliflower, brocolli anything gassy. Most of the time when I got sleep it was on accident while sitting up in the "pink rocking chair" so that she could be upright when she actually slept. This child just didn't seem to need sleep and NOTHING I did was the right thing to do. . .between 9PM and 2AM every day. Sometimes it lasted until 3 or 4. Once I do remember seeing the clock at 5 AM after no sleep at all. I was amazed that when I fell asleep with her in the chair that she didn't fall out of my arms. I would wake up because it was too quiet. This is probably the reason I haven't written in this blog for so long. My creativity and motivation diminishes greatly with lack of sleep. I tried gripe waters, colic tablets, ginger tea, peppermint tea, massage. . .you name it. Finally after Many 2 AM internet searches for something that would cure my screaming daughter, I stumbled across Colic Calm. Yes, I am plugging them. I'm really only writing this in hopes that someone will stumble across this blog and get the relief that we did. I ordered the stuff after tireless researching of the ingredients listed in the product. . .even after I ordered it, I poured over the testimonials second guessing myself and wishing I didn't spend the money on something I wasn't even sure would work. It arrived within 2 days and I didn't wait. I didn't wait for the screaming to begin. I thought I'd try to be proactive. It was difficult at first to give my 2 month old daughter this stuff. She wanted to taste it so she'd try to push it out with her tongue. It has a very pleasant sweet taste. Much sweeter than breastmilk! And it's BLACK!!!! It's from the vegetable charcoal (the main ingredient) that draws out impurities from the system. The black part freaked me out a bit, but I quickly got over it. So, it always took about 15 minutes to give it to her and I had a wet washcloth in hand to clean up her face and an old ugly bib to catch anything that dripped. Anyway, I got off track a bit. When Caylee wasn't having her Colic fits, she was actually a bit tense all the time. Her whole body just seemed tense. She never really relaxed. After the first time I gave it to her at 2 PM, she relaxed. She was soft and cuddly. . .and she didn't start crying that night until 11:00. I gave it to her again at 11 and it took about 1/2 an hour for it to really take effect. . . My little miss screamer turned into a peaceful little angel from 11:30 to 3:30 in the morning. Then all it took was nursing her back to sleep because her magic curse colic time was over. The next day wasn't so blurry. . .then the next few weeks got a little bit clearer and I noticed that I had a husband again. . .and a son. She needed it until she was 3 1/2 months old and then the colic just sort of stopped. . .suddenly. I guess that's how it works. . .but whoever is out there reading this, you don't have to wait it out!!!! I think I may just make this my standby baby shower gift.
Anyway, it's been a few months now since the colic has passed, but the colic is what I think started my post partum depression this time around. I had it with Joshua, too, but I thought it was because I was juggling work and home life while exclusively breastfeeding and being forced to choose between pumping in my 100 degree car and the nasty call center bathroom! I'm not fond of those memories, but I know that I needed to go through that season of my life so that I would appreciate what I have now. Then, my daughter was colicky. So, the post partum depression well. . .it's fading. I think God has been teaching me how to lean on Him. . .and walk with Him. . .and TRUST Him. . .and hear Him. It's a lot of pressure to learn how to be a good mother of two, and a selfless wife at the same time. It's a lot of learning. . .and we're never perfect. But, God is. . .and if I can make Him my example and my Rock, at least I'll never see how far down I can go again. . .because I'll be looking up.
Anyway, it's been a few months now since the colic has passed, but the colic is what I think started my post partum depression this time around. I had it with Joshua, too, but I thought it was because I was juggling work and home life while exclusively breastfeeding and being forced to choose between pumping in my 100 degree car and the nasty call center bathroom! I'm not fond of those memories, but I know that I needed to go through that season of my life so that I would appreciate what I have now. Then, my daughter was colicky. So, the post partum depression well. . .it's fading. I think God has been teaching me how to lean on Him. . .and walk with Him. . .and TRUST Him. . .and hear Him. It's a lot of pressure to learn how to be a good mother of two, and a selfless wife at the same time. It's a lot of learning. . .and we're never perfect. But, God is. . .and if I can make Him my example and my Rock, at least I'll never see how far down I can go again. . .because I'll be looking up.
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