Today I had the "pleasure" of taking only one of my sweet children with me to run errands. As I was leaving the checkout of the last store, (in a rush to get home to my husband who was ready for a break) I noticed that my little 8 month old daughter had dropped her bottle. It had rolled about 15 feet in front of us next to a lady who had been quietly talking with her eyes across the room to my baby. I hadn't noticed it until then...she looked to be in her late 60's maybe early 70's. Her almost curly frizzy hair was salt and pepper gray and to her shoulders. She was slightly slumped over and her appearance made me a little uncomfortable. I caught myself stepping back a little after our eyes locked. As she pointed to my little girl, she softly laughed, "she looked like she was trying to climb right out and go get it." Referring to the bottle that had rolled over to her. I said, "She probably was...she has a brother and sister at home, so she's always trying to do what they do!" She mentioned that I didn't look old enough to have 3 kids and then said, "I guess that's how I would have looked." Her eyes puddled with tears but nothing fell out. Then she gazed so longingly at my child. I felt protective, yet responsible to do something...to say something. I filled the air with noise, "you don't have children?" I asked. She said, "No..." and then looked as if she would cry. So, I told her I was going to hug her against all that is in my germaphobic little body. And I did. I hugged her. That's all I could think of...she thanked me for letting her talk to my baby and I walked away. As I was driving home my heart was literally heavy with emotion. I couldn't put my emotion into words and then I realized that it must have been a God thing. He was pulling on my soul with this experience. I just hope that that woman runs across someone who will do a better job than I did. I pray that she gets the comfort and the peace that she needs. I want her to have that complete feeling that only God can give her. Those important words aside, If there are any mothers out there reading this, please, enjoy your children and treat them as if they are a gift, because they are. Some people don't have the luxury of a little hand tugging on their shirt just needing to be picked up and cuddled. I find myself pushing those needs from my children aside promising that I'll do it in a few minutes (while I wash the dishes or fold the clothes---or deal with bills). Take advantage of right now. Love at my fingertips...little hearts that are more important than a to do list. There are some people out there that will never experience the love of a child. People that have longed for it all of their lives that will never get the chance that we do.

Music and little squeaky voices explode from my TV filling up the air with sound. The whir of the fan is keeping my 3 month old asleep with it's welcoming white noise. Yet all I hear is quiet. My son is watching TV and my rambunctious 2 year old is occupied with construction paper and markers. I'm sure I'll find a beautiful array of colors on the tile, later, or a pretty picture that she is so proud of on a wall somewhere... but for now, I am enjoying the Peace. My coffee is luke warm...scratch that, it's cold again but I refuse to warm it up for the 5th time today. Breathe....feel the air move into my lungs and then out...my head is impossible to fully clear. "Be still and KNOW that I am GOD." In the noise of my life, I can attempt that and almost succeed for a split second. And then my son walks in the door and stands on the chair next to me and says, "Mommy, I'm still hungry". Caylee runs into the room and screams, "that's my chair!" And so it goes...all day long especially if I try to get any time by myself. Ten minutes later, I'm sitting in this chair again trying to organize some adult thoughts in writing. Caylee is sitting next to me with a calendar saying, "it's a moo, it's a moo!!" about the picture of the cow on the top of the page. I didn't get to use the one coupon on the Chick Fil A calendar that I had waited for all year...the grilled chicken salad. Chris had the car all month for work. I guess I could have gone over the weekend, but getting 3 kids into the car and going anywhere is a HUGE job!!! Now as I type I am being hugged by my two year old who wants a drink of my coffee...oh, she switched gears. She sees the playdough and even though nobody is competing for it is yelling, "my playdough, my playdough!!!" In a screachy whiney voice. Scratch that! all is well again. I just got a wet sloppy kiss on my forehead and shes sitting behind me on my rolling office chair talking quietly to herself. Nope, I was wrong, she's whining about something now. Not. Very. Quietly. Can i type and read a book at the same time? My thoughts right now: "It's an orange kitty cat, not red, orange. " Caylee, "READ DA DORY, HERE MOMMY, READ DA DORY!!!!" Me, "please use your nice happy voice =)" Caylee with a happy sing song up the scale inflection, "May I read da dory???" She gave up and is counting pennies sitting in my lap. How is typing physically possible right now. Why must I persist? I just have so much on my mind and never an outlet to release it all! Yesterday, I put Addison safely in the pack n play to attempt a 2 minute, by myself, bathroom break. When I returned, I caught Caylee's arm just in time as it was hovering over Addison's head with a full glass of water in hand. She was very sweetly saying, "open your mouth," Really? I can't leave the room for just a minute. Most of the time I just take the baby to the bathroom with me, but I just needed a minute. With 3 children 4 and under, I'm not entitled to a minute. Always on my feet, constantly doing something for someone. "MOM!!! I'm ready!!!!!!!!! " Calls my 4 year old. When does a child learn to wipe? Potty training a two year old is so much more than I could have ever imagined. I get the poo poo play by play every day. She has to look directly into my eyes as she pushes just barely managing an audible voice to say, "it's coming out..." face red and scrunched up from the work. *deep breath sigh* And don't get me started on grocery store trips. The kids love the "cart with the car". I took Caylee and Addison with me the other day. Caylee is the work of 3 kids by herself. The buckle is there for a reason. I stopped and talked to a friend and assumed that Caylee was sitting patiently holding the little steering wheel to this big rig I was driving around the grocery store *thoughts interupted as Caylee is pushing a baby doll into my chest saying, "sing a lulluby...sing a lulluby." HOLD ON....Lullabye, and goodnight..."no mommy, rock a bye, rock a bye." Okay. "rock-a bye baby in the treetop...when the wind blows the cradle will rock...when the bow breaks, the cradle will fall... Another 15 minute break from writing this to put the baby back to sleep *pause* Had to run back to the room to stop Caylee from waking her up again....now she's back in here sitting next to me again whining. This is why I don't blog anymore. *laughing to myself* I hate leaving things undone, but I'll have to finish blogging later. Off to make strawberry banana muffins with little hands and turn off the TV. Maybe I can get the kids to Zumba with me today.

5 hours later...where was I?? Oh yeah. Back to my story: So, I was talking to my friend in the store and I thought Caylee was sitting in her seat. Glanced over at the movement at my eye level and realized that she was climbing on top of the car trying to get into the cart. Well, I grabbed her, put her in the cart and ended my conversation. Ahhhh, an adult conversation in the middle of my day!!!! Thank you Missy. Anyway, I decided that the kids (Addison was strapped to me) had had enough of the store even though I hadn't finished shopping, so I was on my way to the checkout. Oh wait, JUICE!! Forgot juice. "there's some on the end of the isle, perfect!" Picked up the juice, put it in the cart where my daughter was sitting and gazed down at my precious little girl who was very contently eating a plump, ripe strawberry. The rest of the berries were strewn across the bottom of the cart. So, I laughed. What else can a mom do, sometimes. Laughter. It is healing...it's better to not take things so seriously, I think.

I found my diary from 6 years ago one night when I was cleaning. Life was so different then. I had "secretly" wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I quote, "but that's never going to happen!" We didn't have kids yet, but that was my dream. I also wasn't sure I would even be able to have children. My biggest quam with life was that I didn't get to be selfish with money because I was the only one bringing in income. Chris was between jobs...I was sad, in one entry, that I didn't get go spend money on things that would make me feel special. A pedicure...getting my hair done...perfume. Funny how things change. I AM a stay at home mom. I am raising 3 beautiful children getting paid with healing, precious hugs, sloppy kisses and love that I never could have imagined those short 6 years ago. Looking into the eyes of each of my children is such an amazing feeling. For that moment, nothing else matters and everything is perfect. In those moments I'm richer than anyone else in the world. Today, I finally did get a little quiet. My youngest was cooing at me and the other two children were sleeping. I was finally able to be still, and in starting into the eyes of my child I was humbled by the fact that God would allow that moment to happen. What are your priorities? Every day, I'm discovering that the more I plan to check off on my to do list, the less I get done. I feel the most accomplished when my kids get the care that they need from me and when I have to choose the dishwater rag to spot clean the floor instead of the mop. At least the piles of clean laundry that still need folded are clean. . .and the toilet gets cleaned every day because my 4 year old is still learning how to aim...and don't get me started on blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah...blah. Anyway, I'm trying to model faith to my kids. That's kind of hard to do when I don't put God first. What are my priorities? At the moment, I'm trying to reorganize them. Intentional living. What a concept!

Addison Grace

3:00 AM February 28th 2011: Caylee woke up crying...this is not unusual at all. She hasn't slept through the night for approximately two weeks before Christmas and since then, has been waking up at least 1 to 3 times a night again. So, in doing my motherly duty of soothing her back to sleep, I started with the braxton hicks contractions again. As I sit next to Caylee's bed staring at her wide eyes, she was quietly looking around as if something were different. She would close her eyes a few times and sense my presence fading out of her room and call me back. I laid my hand gently on her belly like I do every night when she wakes up. Normally she goes back to sleep within 2 minutes, but this night it wasn't working! I knew I'd been in there for at least 30 minutes and within that time I felt like my Braxton Hicks contractions might have been following some kind of pattern. They were not any more intense than they usually were, but the fact that they didn't change when I changed my position made me sweat. So, I decided to take Caylee back to bed with me so that I could keep an eye on the clock.

3:30 AM: I laid Caylee down inbetween my husband and I and she clung to me like a little monkey. This was unusual because the past week, she had played favorites with Chris. She had been his little sidekick and she wanted daddy for everything. I grabbed my phone as another contraction hit and I found the stopwatch. Pretty convenient! Pushed the start button as I tried to pry Caylee off of me and I calmly told my husband that I had been having mild contractions and I was going to time them to see if they were real or not. His eyes popped open and he tried to take Caylee from me but she would have nothing to do with him! So, I calmly rubbed her belly and soothed her with my words wondering if it would be the last time she would be my only daughter. I kissed her face and she just gazed into my eyes as the glow of the stopwatch on the phone softly illuminated her precious little face. I was so calm that I convinced myself that this must be a false alarm ...7 minutes is a long break for me during labor, so denial was inevitable. But 7 minutes passed again and another contraction set deep into my back suddenly grabbed my focus and set off an immediate feeling of anxiety. So, I frantically told my husband to take Caylee regardless of her tears and I went to the bathroom to see if that would stop the contractions. I took my cell phone in with me and called my mom as I sat down.

3:42: One ring..."hello?" my mom said in an almost confused and very crackly voice. "Mom. I'm having contractions 7 to 10 minutes apart. I don't know if it's real labor yet, but will you please just come sleep on my couch just in case? If it's not real, I'm sorry. I just don't know yet."

I immediatly called the birth center which has an answering service have a midwife call back. It took about 15 minutes to get a call back and during that 15 minutes the contractions went from 7 to 3 to 4 minutes apart right away. The midwife finally called and I explained that my contractions didn't feel much more intense than the braxton hicks I had been experiencing for the last 2 months. They were only lasting for 30 seconds and they were mostly in my back and lower abdomen. She told me it was up to me and I could come get checked if it made me more comfortable. We then mutually decided that it was better to be safe than sorry since my last labor start to finish was only an hour and 40 minutes long! I told her I'd be there in 25 minutes or so after my mom got there to watch stay with the kids.

For about 10 minutes after I got off the phone with the midwife, I walked around the house still wondering if labor was real or not. The consistency of intervals insisted that it was, but I still wasn't sure. The contractions did seem to get stronger in intensity, but this just couldn't be it. My water hadn't broken yet and I was calm. My husband was anything but calm, though. He kept insisting that I was leading this and that if I thought we should go NOW we could call the neighbor to wait at the house with the kids until my mom arrived. He had already started the car. I hadn't even found my shoes, yet! I told him that everything was under control and that we could wait for my mom. "If this really is labor, it's just early labor. There's no way I'm in active labor yet, so calm down!" I told him with a smile. He was still holding Caylee and she was just quiet as can be with what looked like a smirk on her face. It was like she thought she was getting away with something by being up at almost 4 AM. Chris gave her to me and told me that I'd better give her some love because he was convinced that this labor was real and we'd be coming home with a baby. So, he went outside to turn the car off as we waited for my mom and I hugged on my little girl. As he walked back in 3 minutes later, I had been watching the stop watch and anticipating another contraction. I handed Caylee off to him just as I experienced another contraction. My mom walked in 30 seconds behind him and we said our goodbyes. I still wasn't sure I was in real labor yet. It was nice to be having breaks between contractions and I actually felt really good! I remember walking slowly to the car taking in the calm air of our neighborhood. I took a deep breath as I enjoyed the quietness of the night and opened the car door to another contraction. "hmmmmmmm....." I thought. And that was it. My husband drove alot slower this time, but every time I had a contraction, he seemed to speed up again. I remember asking him to slow down and telling him that it wasn't as frantic this time. I felt like everything was under control and was sure there was still a possiblity of being sent home after being checked. After 15 minutes of driving, the contractions started to intensify. I remember enjoying listening to Britney Spears sing, "Would You Hold it Against me?" The music was loud and there were no cars on the road but ours. It was just us, the music and the city lights. When we were almost to the hospital, Black Eyed Peas came on. I don't know what the song was, but Chris was singing it in his falsetto voice and I couldn't consentrate on my contractions as he was blasting his voice! So, I told him to Shut up. This is not a phrase that I ever use, especially on my husband, so later, I felt bad for it! He responded by asking me if I still didn't believe I was in labor. As we pulled into the hospital parking lot he asked me if I regretted telling him not to speed. He asked me if I wanted him to park or pull up to the hospital. I couldn't answer through my intense contraction and he pulled up, went inside and grabbed a wheel chair and told me to sit down in it. I told him I could walk and he told me no. We wheeled up to the front desk and he tried to check me in, but the old guy doing the checking in told him that I had to do it. My husband was outwardly annoyed by that and sarcastically said, "really?". Then the guy told him that he could wheel me in the check office if he wanted to. I stood up and walked in myself. The lady at the desk seemed unconcerned that I was in labor and slowly asked me my insurance info, my name, my address and phone #. Between contractions as I held on to her desk to breath through them, I answered with squinted eyes. I could barely consentrate on standing up, much less answering questions! As I was doing this, Chris was moving our car. When he got back inside, he wheeled me to an exam room where the midwife helped me undress, hooked a monitor up to me and checked my progress. Before she checked me, I told her that I still wondered if I was overreacting. As she checked me she laughed as she told me that I was 100 percent effaced and 6 centimeters dilated! So, I laughed as I realized that my husband was right. I was finally glad that we had left for the hospital when we did. I wondered how long I had been in active labor.

I focused on moaning through my contractions with relaxed hands, eyes closed and head down in a sitting position on the bed as my husband and the midwife talked about our first child's birth. My husband fanned me with a bedpan while I contracted and he told the midwife how during my first labor people in the room took turns fanning me with magazines while wearing jackets. I opened my eyes briefly to see a bedpan coming at me at 50 mph! And asked my husband (probably not so nicely) to fan me farther away from my face! That prompted a chuckle from the midwife and my husband. Seriously, was this really happening? We were finally taken to a labor and delivery room. I stopped to hold on to the wall a couple times during that short walk and I heard another woman in labor. She was screaming. This is when I think I started to freak out a little bit. My husband later told me that he heard the lady say she thought she was going to throw up and he made sure the midwife new that I was to be nowhere near that woman or I wouldn't do well at all. We arrived at the room and I remember the nurse telling me to lay down so she could hook me up to the moniters. I told her I didn't want to lay down and I stood up instead for a few minutes. I sat down to be checked again and was at 8 centimeters. I remembered outloud that it took me two contractions to get from 8 to 10 last time and I started to feel out of control of my emotions again. I mentioned that I was scared and I didn't know why... I really feel like the midwife lost me at this point. Instead of talking me through from the beginning of the contraction on, she would pick up about the middle when I was feeling like I wasn't in control and then start talking me through it. My husband thought she might have been out of her element being at the hospital. All I know is I needed a little more coaching and nobody was doing it. I frantically asked for ice. I remember grabbing a handful of ice and shoveling in down my hospital gown in the back and the front. The midwife got me a wet washcloth and that didn't do much. So, Chris started taking over a little...i don't remember what he told me, but it helped...and then he did something that would have shocked even a fly on the wall. He took the ice bucket and poured it on my head!!!!! It was love. It was perfect. I'm sure it was hilarious, too!!! About 3 contractions after sitting down I thought I might need to push and I mentioned this as best I could to everyone as I also yelled that I didn't want to do it anymore. The midwife told me to look at her in the eyes and she said that I was almost there. I knew I was almost there 3 contractions ago, but I felt like nobody was listening to me. All the while there was a nurse trying to get a heplock in my arm! Let me reiterate. She was sticking a needle into my arm that was causing just as much pain as the contractions. The pains were contradicting each other and I was getting angry. She couldn't find my vein. So, she pulled the needle out and held guaze on my unnecessary would until another nurse came in and put a heplock into my other hand. I was about 10 centimeters at this point telling people that I thought I needed to push. I remember telling the other nurse to stop and squeezing her hand through a contraction to make her listen to me. Finally, my husband and the midwife almost silmultaneously told me that if I felt like I had to push, that I could try it. So, I pushed every so slightly and felt relief with the next contraction. She checked me and confirmed that I was at 10 and told me to push again. My water spontaneously broke with this next push, so imagine a gush of water followed immediatly by a head and a body with one long push! I was in shock. There was a baby in my arms. A soft, warm little body just came out of me and I was holding it and kissing it's head. Someone called out that she was indeed a girl and her cries were just beautiful. They were not angry cries like Caylee's...they were more subdued, but almost confused, like, "Why did you bring me into this cold air out of that warm comfy place I want to be in?" My husband cut the cord after it stopped pulsing and I put her right to the breast to nurse. She was an angel. I always wondered if it were possible to love a baby right from the first moment I laid eyes on it. It took a litte more time with my previous two children, but this time, it was love at first sight. She was born at 5:42 AM. And to think, just an hour before I still wasn't sure I was in labor. Here's the kicker...a couple of nights before I went into labor, I was feeling anxiety about how short the labor could be, so I gave it to God. And I actually in all seriousness asked him to please give me more time than with Caylee. I told him that I needed a little heads up first and that I would appreciate at least 3 hours. He gave me 2 hours and 45 minutes. This makes me laugh and thank God for hearing me. I asked...I believed that he would give me what I asked for and HE DID!!

Excerpt from Addison's Pregnancy Journal...

12/7/2010

I randomly thought of a memory I have of the day before I found out I was pregnant with you. I was so sick. I laid on the bed in my room...and watched country music videos (something I NEVER do) as your dad took care of the kids. I just couldn’t move, I was so sick!!! So, your daddy deemed it hot dog and french fry night. The kids loved it!!!! Anyway, dad walked in on my watching Country on TV and my face was wet. My eyes were pouring out tears!!! I don’t know what triggered it, but I was insanely emotional...and I felt so sick...I literally thought something was so wrong with me that I might be dying. It’s comical to me now as I think about it. When I finally stopped crying, I walked out of the room and into the kitchen where everyone was enjoying a "dad" meal. I looked outside, and it was absolutely beautiful. It was just about dusk...but the sun was setting. It was kind of a rainy, sunny, sunset. The clouds were neon pink and they cast a peachy glow on everything outside. The soil and rocks were damp from the light rain 10 minutes before and it smelled like the desert outside. It was like a dream. As I enjoyed that moment before I knew you existed, my stomach was churning. I was so naseated!!! But as I felt like hurling, I also enjoyed the smell of the hotdogs and was a little jealous that I wouldn’t be having one. This makes me chuckle a little bit. This is such a vivid memory to me.
Anyway, back to the present. You are such a little mover!!! The difference between you and the other two is your kicks and jabs are very painful! I know I felt a knee last night...I think I mostly feel knees and elbows from you. Occasionally, it feels like someone is massaging my tummy from the inside. When you start moving, it seems like you’re either just having fun kicking around or you just can’t get comfortable. I like to lay on my left side...you don’t seem to like it, though because that’s when I get a lot of knees and elbows. You’re starting to be on a schedule already. You do a lot of acrobatics at 10 PM for about half an hour or so...and again just after midnight until I finally am able to sleep through it...I have to say...with the other two children, the reason I was excited about delivery day (while I was pregnant) was because I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore after they were born!!! With you, though, I’m actually excited to meet you for the first time. To examine you and look you over....to see your pretty eyes and find out if you’re going to be a little blondie or a brunette...a lot of hair or just peach fuzz. I want to kiss your face and smell your newborn baby skin after you’re "milk drunk". I want to hold your fingers and touch your tiny toes...put bows in your hair and cute little footie pj’s on you!! I want to be your mommy. It’s taken me 7 months to realize that I couldn’t imagine life without you. Your brother and sister like to zerbert me on the belly. You get really still when that happens...JJ talks to you a lot. He puts his mouth on my belly like it’s a balloon and I can barely make out the words. It’s pretty funny. He’s going to be a really good big brother for you. Caylee is very affectionate and likes to take care of people...so, I know she’ll want to help me a lot with you! I have to take my gestational diabetes test again in a few days...yuck. And then on Monday, I’ll have an ultrasound to see if my low placenta has moved up. It better have, because I want to push you out. It’s so unnatural to be pulled out of a hole cut by a doctor! That’s one of my fears...Well, I’m almost finished with my tea...and the kids have been in bed for a couple hours...daddy has too! So, I’d better head in that direction.

Long time no blog.

REAAAAAAALLLY long time! Gone are the colic days...Caylee is now replacing those with night weaning, sleep training, taking diapers off (with poop in them while still wearing pants), climbing EVERYTHING, playing with dog poop and splashing in potties. That doesn't even begin to cover it all for her. She is just a magic hat full of personality. I've never met anyone more emotional than me, but she tops me by a long shot. Joshua is incredibly perceptive and beyond his years already. He's at that tender age where he is absorbing everything like a sponge. And he has a memory like an elephant. I am thankful that I get to stay home with him because I couldn't imagine what he might learn 8 or 9 hours away from me. When I went from 1 to two kids, I never imagined that they would actually love each other. It's a gift to watch. I love to hear them laugh together, but believe me, there are plenty of teachable moments when they do not get along. Can I imagine the laughter of 3 children in my house? NO. Not yet. I'm still coming to terms with it at 5 months pregnant. Another little girl to add to the mix will really spice things up, I guess. I just can't quite fathom it, yet. I have to sneak lavendar oil into Caylee's bath every night, lather her up in the stuff before bed and spray her sheets and pillows with the spray. And then pray that she'll sleep all night long. It's hit or miss at this point. It seems like it's 5 days on and 2 days off for her. When she doesn't sleep, she gets up every hour to two hours. When she does, she sleeps all night. At this point, I'm a little baffled by it. I just can't help but wonder what it would be like getting up with two children all night long. JJ on the other hand sleeps like a log. He sleeps through Caylee screaming at night. One night, I told him that it was okay to go sleep with daddy (this was after 2 hours of Caylee crying) and then I realized that he was, in fact, snoring away. I'm slowly accepting that keeping a clean house isn't half as important as taking a shower every couple days...at least a load of dishes goes into the dishwasher every day. I got that down! But that's about it. My husband constantly has to remind me that my most important and influencial job is raising the kids while he's at work. Raising kids. That's kind of a funny phrase. It's a test of patience. . . constant teaching and reminding. It's a never sit down job that is only rewarding in tiny moments. But those moments are pieces of my history that will forever be engraved in my mind. Moments that turn fatigue into unrealistic energy. Moments that make me forget about that dried booger on my shoulder that isn't my own. I cherish the responsibility that God has given me as Caylee and Joshua's mother. And now we get to welcome another life into the house. It's a gift. That phrase doesn't throw the anxiety out the window, though. But God has chosen me to be the mother of this little child growing inside of me. That idea leaves me speechless.

It was like a rusty nail constantly being driven into the wimpy edges of my sanity. . .the friend of the chalkboard nails when you have a migraine, and the partner of sand in your bathing suit with no place to wash off. It shredded my confidence as a mother and robbed me of precious time with my firstborn. I wanted nothing more than to cry myself back to sleep after my son would wake me up in the morning. Little did he know or understand for that matter that he woke me up from the 30th ten minute nap I had been able to catch that night. . .every night for 2 1/2 months straight. Yes, I understand, now, why sometimes just shoving a "Nah" in the baby's mouth just won't work. My daughter doesn't take breastmilk as a cure all pill. Colic has stained my memory with blurred insanity. My sweet little girl would scream. . .ahem. . .SCREAM and cry in what seemed like pain and discomfort from 9 PM (like clockwork) to 2 AM every morning. I burped her, fed her, bounced her, sang to her, rocked her, carried her up and down the street at midnight, danced with her, talked to her, gave her gas drops, burp her after every 30 seconds of nursing. Out of my diet, I cut out dairy, peppers, onions, beans, cauliflower, brocolli anything gassy. Most of the time when I got sleep it was on accident while sitting up in the "pink rocking chair" so that she could be upright when she actually slept. This child just didn't seem to need sleep and NOTHING I did was the right thing to do. . .between 9PM and 2AM every day. Sometimes it lasted until 3 or 4. Once I do remember seeing the clock at 5 AM after no sleep at all. I was amazed that when I fell asleep with her in the chair that she didn't fall out of my arms. I would wake up because it was too quiet. This is probably the reason I haven't written in this blog for so long. My creativity and motivation diminishes greatly with lack of sleep. I tried gripe waters, colic tablets, ginger tea, peppermint tea, massage. . .you name it. Finally after Many 2 AM internet searches for something that would cure my screaming daughter, I stumbled across Colic Calm. Yes, I am plugging them. I'm really only writing this in hopes that someone will stumble across this blog and get the relief that we did. I ordered the stuff after tireless researching of the ingredients listed in the product. . .even after I ordered it, I poured over the testimonials second guessing myself and wishing I didn't spend the money on something I wasn't even sure would work. It arrived within 2 days and I didn't wait. I didn't wait for the screaming to begin. I thought I'd try to be proactive. It was difficult at first to give my 2 month old daughter this stuff. She wanted to taste it so she'd try to push it out with her tongue. It has a very pleasant sweet taste. Much sweeter than breastmilk! And it's BLACK!!!! It's from the vegetable charcoal (the main ingredient) that draws out impurities from the system. The black part freaked me out a bit, but I quickly got over it. So, it always took about 15 minutes to give it to her and I had a wet washcloth in hand to clean up her face and an old ugly bib to catch anything that dripped. Anyway, I got off track a bit. When Caylee wasn't having her Colic fits, she was actually a bit tense all the time. Her whole body just seemed tense. She never really relaxed. After the first time I gave it to her at 2 PM, she relaxed. She was soft and cuddly. . .and she didn't start crying that night until 11:00. I gave it to her again at 11 and it took about 1/2 an hour for it to really take effect. . . My little miss screamer turned into a peaceful little angel from 11:30 to 3:30 in the morning. Then all it took was nursing her back to sleep because her magic curse colic time was over. The next day wasn't so blurry. . .then the next few weeks got a little bit clearer and I noticed that I had a husband again. . .and a son. She needed it until she was 3 1/2 months old and then the colic just sort of stopped. . .suddenly. I guess that's how it works. . .but whoever is out there reading this, you don't have to wait it out!!!! I think I may just make this my standby baby shower gift.

Anyway, it's been a few months now since the colic has passed, but the colic is what I think started my post partum depression this time around. I had it with Joshua, too, but I thought it was because I was juggling work and home life while exclusively breastfeeding and being forced to choose between pumping in my 100 degree car and the nasty call center bathroom! I'm not fond of those memories, but I know that I needed to go through that season of my life so that I would appreciate what I have now. Then, my daughter was colicky. So, the post partum depression well. . .it's fading. I think God has been teaching me how to lean on Him. . .and walk with Him. . .and TRUST Him. . .and hear Him. It's a lot of pressure to learn how to be a good mother of two, and a selfless wife at the same time. It's a lot of learning. . .and we're never perfect. But, God is. . .and if I can make Him my example and my Rock, at least I'll never see how far down I can go again. . .because I'll be looking up.

Even though Joshua is a VERY SMART little boy, I have to remember that he is only two and a half and he doesn't know how to express his every emotion. As I think back to this morning, I have come to realize that when I felt like I needed alone time, I disrupted his normal routine by letting the TV babysit him as I checked my email. He needs his mama time in the morning and he didn't get it. Caylee was still asleep. I heard her starting to wake up on the baby moniter. . ."Cars" was blasting on the TV. Not 3 minutes later I heard a little hand smack my baby girl on the tummy 5 times (this I later found out from Joshua as he confessed what he did) and then came the screams from my 3 month old. I ran in there and with a very raised voice asked Joshua what he did to his little sister. He was just shocked at my tone. . .and as his eyes widened. . .he didn't know what to say to me. I usually use a very calm and assertive tone, but truthfully, this whole thing scared me because I didn't know how hurt she was or if it just startled her. So, I escorted him to his room and repeated myself. As my little boy's lip puckered up in sadness at his mama's reaction to hitting his baby sister, I gave myself a little reality check. Just like a parent of a precious little two year old testing limits and learning lessons, God probably doesn't like to watch us make mistakes. But, he lets the consequences teach us what we need to know. If he didn't do that, we wouldn't learn. I wanted to hug him and yell at him at the same time. So, as he cried, I took some time to cool off and later talked to Joshua about his actions. He was very remorseful. He really is a little sweetheart. I think I used too big of words and ideas for him sometimes, but then he seems to "get" it. He understands WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to much for a kid his age. In a sad voice, I told him that I work hard to take care of him and Caylee every day. I told him that I protect him and I protect Caylee, but I shouldn't have to protect Caylee from him. Yeah, I know. Big concept. But, if you don't think he understands this, you don't know my son. He very remorsefully said, "I'm sorry mama," He frowned with a sad face and gave me a hug. Then, he said, "I have to go tell Caylee that I'm sorry." And yes, he does use all of these words. I explained I was very disappointed at his actions and that we'd have to figure out some type of consequence. Then, I went to the livingroom, lavished Caylee with attention and told her that I was sorry that her brother hurt her. Joshua layed down on the carpet in a fetal position and with an embarassed voice said, "I'm sorry, Caylee for hitting you." We decided that his punishment would be to take away all of his toy cars. He very willingly picked them up and helped me put them away. He's got quite a collection. He gets one car back. . .at a time when I catch him being nice to her. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Maybe I take it too seriously. I don't know. I just don't want to mess up my kids. And my relationships with my children are very important to me. I think God gives us multiple children to teach us what it's like for him. Sometimes I think about how Christians treat each other. People being children of God sometimes forget that we are each other's brothers and sisters. . .what a profound thought. How easy it must be for God to love all of us. Being a parent, I can't imagine it any other way.