My son.

From a distance (really, it sounded pretty far away!) I heard the frantic voice of my two year old son.

"HELP!! HELP!!!"


So, I started looking for him. I thought it was coming from the garage. . .It was locked from the inside. . .I looked anyway. Still no sign of Joshua.

"HELP!!! HELP!!!"

Where was it coming from? I looked toward the bedroom door. . .looked in the bedroom. Debated looking in the closets or under blankets. It just wasn't making sense to me!

"Joshua!!! Where are you?" I yelled.

"In heee--ah!"

No! I frowned. It couldn't be. . .

I opened the dryer. Out popped his two little feet and then his whole body. My son.

Seriously?

This morning was awesome! Caylee stayed up for an hour and a half in the middle of the night with gas but then she let me sleep for 4 1/2 hours straight! I am such a better mom when I get sleep. I type this as I listen to her pooping in the other room. . .another poop, another feeding and I'll be able to finish it later, I guess.
So, I felt great this morning. I decided to take the kids for a walk. "The kids". That sounds so funny to me. We went to the park. Joshua was good the whole time. No time outs. . .no talking back. He didn't utter that word one time. The word that I hear him say at least 50 times a day. No kidding. . .Can you guess it? The word is "No". He even uses it to begin most of his sentences. It's like he anticipates not being able to get his way. Example: "No, I want to watch Thomas the Train!" And that's me doing my own thing and him coming into the room to tell me. "No, I want juice!" We're working on the "May I please. . .thank you. . .and your welcome", again. He's getting better. I think it's really going to take at least a month for things to get back to some sort of normal for him. He's down for a nap. . .that's good. He didn't fight it, either. I think I'm starting to get my Joshua back.
At the park it was beautiful. It was sunny, breezy, perfect temperature. . .I was sitting on a bench underneath a shade tree watching Joshua roll his cars down the slide. A pre-teen looking boy with shaggy hair and a hat. . .probably taller than me came over, sat down next to me and asked which kid was mine. I thought it was strange that he was asking me that, but I answered him and smiled. He told me Joshua was cute. About 30 seconds later, I figured out the reason he was sitting by me. He was using me as protection of sorts. Two other teenage boys came over to the bench and started asking him to fight. The boy that was sitting on the bench said, "You really want to get kicked in the balls? I'm not going to fight you right now. I have a girlfriend here (she was sitting at a picnic table underneath a ramada). The other two boys were egging him on saying, "It's now or never!" I wouldn't have gotten involved if it didn't irritate me that these little boys had the mouths of sailors. So, after a bad word, I interupted and said, "Hey, could you please watch your language, there's kids over here." One of the boys looked at me with squinty eyes and then seemed sorry when he apologized. Then he continued trying to get this other kid to go somewhere else to fight him. The kid next to me said, "Can't you see, there's adults around here?" At this point, I was irritated with these two boys standing over the bench I was sitting on. They were interupting my beautiful day with discusting attitudes and squeaky puberty voices that I shouldn't have to deal with yet. I have at least another 10 years until I'm supposed to parent that. I interupted again, "I'd rather you not talk like this around my son. You really should leave. We were here first and my son doesn't need to be around this kind of behavior." Well, I became the role modle today. I was the parent looking over those kids shoulders telling them that the behavior they were exibiting was not appropriate. I said, "Are you serious? Are you being serious or are you really friends?" I almost didn't know. Boys treat each other that way sometimes when they're friends. . .but they were so young and squeaky that it was almost comical to listen to them try to fight. The boy standing over the bench trying to pick the fight said, "I'm serious." Then, the kids kept at it. He kept trying to get the other boy to go fight him. He said, "you don't just flick (yes he said flick, not flip) me off and then run away at the bus stop!" I said, "why can't you just ignore it?" He said, "I can, but it made me really angry." So, I said, "Why can't you just talk it out? Let me explain something to you. In the real world, when you become an adult, when you're on your own and you have bills to pay, if you handle things like this you'll end up in jail. It's more respectable to just walk away." He said, "But you can't just flick me off and run away!" So, I said, " I don't agree with what he did, either, but you're a better person if you just walk away. So, please walk away." And they did. The other boy that was sitting next to me had his head resting in his hands, eyes covered by his unruly hair and he just sat there for a minute. Then he got up, seemed almost embarrased by what had happened and he went back over to the ramada where his friends were. His "girlfriend" had left in the middle of the verbal fight between the boys. He told this other girl underneath the ramada not to tell his girlfriend but that he wished that she was his girlfriend instead. Another boy said, "but don't you love her?" He said, "Yes, but if she wasn't here, I would have fought him." So, I stopped listening and went back to enjoying my peacefully breezy day. So, now, I have one thing left to say about that. Seriously?

Caylee's Birth Story.

5/11/2009

It was just another day of Braxton hicks contractions. I swept and vacuumed the house, cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and I went to the grocery store so that I could make dinner for my in-laws.

5:30 Irritated. Lower back pain--felt menstral. . .irritable and braxton hicks 30 minutes apart. . .it wasn't painful, though so I thought nothing of it.

9:30 PM: So irritated that I was going to have another night of false labor that I picked Joshua up, put him in the stroller and took a very fast and hard walk around the park

11:00: Went to bed. Woke up to go to the bathroom a few times but still no labor.

5/12/2009

6:30 AM: Joshua came to bed with us and layed smack dab in the middle of my pregnancy pillow. I turned over to find another pillow and went back to sleep.

6:55 AM: Woke up to what felt like a BIG MAN HAND punching me in the cervix. I heard something. Didn't sound like a pop, though. I think I recall making some kind of sound. . .I got up and felt a gush of warm fluid. I thought I might have peed my pants. Seriously. So, I went to the bathroom and I sat there for about 5 long minutes contemlating. . ."pee or amniotic fluid. . .did I pee my pants or did my water break?" I had my first contraction at the end of that 5 minutes but it wasn't much stronger than the braxton hicks I had had over the course of the last month. I decided, just in case. . .I would take a shower. I looked over at my two peacefully sleeping men in my life laying so quietly on the bed and I closed the door to the bathroom. Another contraction. "What?" I thought. This was 5 minutes after the first one. This had never happened before. I got in the shower and the water felt so good on my achey back that I thought I couldn't possibly be in labor. It was easing whatever discomfort I was feeling. 2 minutes later? Another one? I took about a 15 minute shower and I had at least 7 contractions in the shower. . .each one harder and longer than the last. By the end of my shower I was still in denial that I was in labor. I dried off, went back into my bedroom and grabbed some hair lotion, slathered it all in my hair with the intent of going curly and by that time I couldn't even stand up straight. Didn't finish my hair. . .I was definately in labor with contractions 2 minutes apart.

7:20 AM. I whispered, "Chris!!!" As loud as I could, but trying not to wake up Joshua. He sat up in bed and frowned. He looked back at me and whispered, "What's wrong? Are you okay? What are you doing?" I was staring at him with sopping wet hair, clutching the wall to our bathroom (you can see the mirror of our bathroom from the bedroom---it's an open area without a door). I was doubled over in pain trying to talk through my contraction. By this time, Chris had no idea at all what was going on. The contraction ended and I walked over to the bed and explained that I thought my water broke and I thought I might be in labor. He told me to call the Birth Center. I told him to call his mom to pick up Joshua just in case. . .he did.

7:23: Joshua popped out of bed just talking away. . .I told him that my tummy hurt and not to be scared because It needed to hurt so baby Caylee could come out.

7:24 another contraction---halfway through the contraction, Joshua tapped me on the belly, "You're feelin' betta now, wite, mama?" I whispered, "Just go get daddy. . "

7:25: Chris brought me my phone and asked me if I had called the birth center yet. Still having contractions 1 1/2 to 2 minutes apart, I tried to explain that I couldn't. But, I pushed the saved # in my phone and attempted to tell the person on the other end of the line that I thought I was in labor. Yes, I said, "I think I'm in labor" and that took me about 1 full minute to get out. Chris was on his phone with my mom as I was doing this. I gave the phone to Chris so he could finish giving my info to the lady and she said the midwife would call me back. We had reached the answering service.

7:30: My midwife called me back. Chris answered the phone and gave it to me. She asked me what was going on. Again, I attempted to say, "I think my water broke at 7:00 AM and I can't even time my contractions." Later my midwife told me that she couldn't understand one word that I had said! To that she said, "I think it's time to go to the hospital. I'll meet you there."

7:31: I was sitting on the toilet because I felt like I had to poop. Sorry. . .too much information. Chris peeked in and said, "well, I'm gonna get a shower, then." To that, I remember yelling, "You don't have time to get a shower. We have to go right now!" I was holding the door to the bathroom with my eyes closed moaning ( I read about this somewhere) through the contractions. I then said, I can't do this anymore! Then, I immediatly felt like I was going to throw up and told Chris to get me some ice. I thought, "Oh crap, I'm in transition." But how was this possible? I was only 1/2 an hour into labor!!

7:32: Chris said, "Well, I'll get Joshua in the car, then. . ." He was rushing around with really wide eyes like he didn't know what to do. . .it was so funny. If I wasn't in labor, I think I would have laughed, but I couldn't bring myself to at the time7:33: Chris walked in the door, "where are the bags?" I told him. . .and he ran them out to the car. I still hadn't told him that I thought I was in transistion.

7:35: Chris helped me to the car, I turned on the seat warmer and got ready for the ride of my life.

7:45: Gary (my father in law) drove up next to our car right as we were getting ready to turn onto the main road to leave our neighborhood. We practically threw Joshua to Gary and we were on our way. We went through 3 school zones. . .stopped at all the lights, even the crosswalk ones and Chris drove like a crazy person! I told him to. He told me the highest speed he reached was 90. I remember when he did that because I closed my eyes as he was passing people using a turn lane and I thought hospital thoughts. "don't have the baby in the car, don't have the baby in the car. . ." "Do you want music?" Chris so sweetly asked me. "NO" I said as he slammed on the breaks to turn a corner again. He later told me, "When you drive fast, you have to slam on the breaks so you don't hit people." Every time he hit the breaks I was having a contraction and Caylee's little head slammed into my cervix. I'm sure it sped things along. About 10 minutes before we got to the hospital I told Chris I needed an epidural. He told me that by the time we got there I wouldn't have time for one. He said, "By the time we get there, you'll be ready to push!" I thought he was just trying to blow smoke up my behind to give me confidence. He kept telling me what a good job I was doing. I hummed through every contraction. . .It really, really helps! I finally let Chris turn on the radio. . he turned it to a Christian station. . .I don't remember the song that was playing, but I remember the radio went back off after about 5 minutes. By the time we got to the hospital, my contractions were 30 seconds to a minute apart.

8:30 I stepped out of the car, held on to Chris's neck and I couldn't move. Chris said, he remembers someone in the background saying, "I think she's in labor!" A security guard pulled up with a wheel chair, I sat down and have never ridden in one of those things so fast in my life before. Poor guy seemed scared that I wasn't going to make it to the room or something. He yelled, "Where do you want her?" My eyes were closed the whole time, but I opened them to my midwife's calm voice telling me that I had to stand up and get undressed so she could check me. I stood up, held onto the side of the bed and leaned on it with my hands. I couldn't move again. Contractions were one on top of another. They stripped me down to my bra and Chris walked in after having parked the car. When I think back on how he might have felt, it leaves me with another 'bout of laughter. My husband walked in as I was naked, big pregnant butt staring at him. I mooned my husband at the door. I can just imagine what his facial expression might have been like. Finally I layed down in bed so they could check me. Expecting to be there for another 10 hours I said, " I don't want to lay down!!" The midwife calmly but very assertively said, "you have to just for a minute so I can find out where we're at." So, she did. Contractions are still one on top of another at this point and my eyes were closed the whole time. My midwife told me to look at her. She could probably tell that I was in desperation at the idea that this kind of labor was going to last so many more hours. So, I looked at her and she said very firmly, "This is different this time around. You're already 8 to 9 centimeters. . .you're almost done. We're gonna have a baby!" I thought, "Yeah right, with my son I was 9 1/2 centimeters for 3 hours." My midwife talked me through the next 2 contractions. . .she said, "just moan through it. . " She demonstrated a deep throaty moan and I coppied her, "so that's the right way to do it," I thought as my midwifes voice sounded like it was in a tunnel echoing around me. She said, "now, breathe slowly and let you're body relax at the end of this contraction. I know it still hurts but it's almost over. . .just relax." And I did. Strange. I noticed that my hands were even relaxed. With Joshua, there's a picture of my hands gripping the side of the bedrail, with knuckes white as snow. She told me to lay down again so she could check me. "Already?!" I don't know if that was outloud or in my head. Apparently the baby's heartrate had dropped. I was unaware of this at the time. My midwife told me to flip to the left, then the right, then the left again. This seemed like an almost impossible task until she said, "it's for your baby!" Then I did it very quickly. She checked me and referring to the "station" position of the baby's head said, "3. . .2. . .1. . .crowing! Give me a glove! Give me a glove!" She only managed to get one glove on. and told me to push. I was astonished at the idea because I didn't feel like pushing yet. So, I started pushing. Then I really felt like pushing, so I gave it my best go. . .right when I was really into it at the end of that first push, She told me to stop! So, hesitantly, I did. I was later told that when I stopped pushing, she was unwrapping the cord from Caylee's neck. She told me to push one more time and I felt her whole body come out of me at once!!!

8:42 AM. Caylee Mae was on my stomach, skin to skin. All 6 pounds 14 oz of her. 18.5 inches long.

Crazy. Seriously, that is a really crazy memory for me. There was a wet, warm, screaming person on my stomach. Skin to skin. Cord still attached. It's what I had always wanted. What I invisioned. I was just so shocked by it all. My first thought was, "We just got here. . .Am I done already?" Then I thought, "Thank God Chris didn't take a shower." I just stared at her. She was so mad! The sound of my voice wouldn't make her stop crying, but it was precious. But it was loud! All I could think was, "Wow." They left the cord attached for a good 8 or 9 minutes. Chris cut the cord. My mom walked in the door before I delivered the placenta and I didn't tear! She's a natural nurser, too! She was nursing about 5 minutes after the cord was cut. Soon after that, my mother in law and father in law walked in the room with Joshua in tow. My blood wasn't clotting, so they had to give me tons of pitocin. . . they kept uping it because I was bleeding more than average. The pit made me feel sick and made me cramp really hard. It felt like the beginning of labor again. So, they had to give me two different shots of nasea medicine and two different pain killers before I was back in the bliss stage of just having a baby. So, when Joshua walked in, I was focused on not throwing up and breathing through the pain of the medicine. That's the only thing that really disappointed me. I didn't get to enjoy my kids meeting for the first time. I kind of saw his reaction. He didn't really want anything to do with her at first. Chris bribed him with new cars. Chris said, "you can have your new cars after you hold her. So, I'm going to post the picture of that. He had the Popeye face/Grand-dandy frown! I'll also post some happier pictures of the two of them. Before he held her for the first time, he looked over at me and I said Hi to him. Then he said a matter of factly, "My baby sister's here!" It was after that, that he asked for new cars. I told him that after Caylee was born, he would get new cars. So, I think he associated her birth with that. He's slowly warming up to her, now. My mom was visiting the other day and she was holding her. She was just about ready to go and Joshua told her, "You're not taking my baby sister." It took a couple days for Joshua to warm back up to me. He didn't want to hug me in the hospital. I bribed him with the bed. The adjustable bed that can close me up like a clam shell! It was fun. He jumped up and pushed all the buttons. I cuddled with him. . .he didn't know it, though. I had really missed my little boy! Last night, Joshua and I held hands while I nursed Caylee as he was watching a cartoon. He's adjusting.

So, my kids are like night and day when it comes to resemblance. JJ was born with bleach blonde hair . . .and not a lot of it. Caylee has thick dark hair. JJ had my feet and Caylee has Chris's! Caylee has my ears and Joshua had Chris's. He was a very soft crier. . .she can do an impression of a kitten, a baby eagle and a mouse. When she's not happy, there is no mistaking it. Joshua was a little bit more laid back and quiet. . .She's sweet, though. . .and a cuddler. Joshua just wanted Nah. She just want's Nah, but she'll let daddy cuddle with her as an alternative (at least for a few minutes of distraction!)

So, I'm still in a little bit of disbelief. We haven't reached her due date and yet, she's here. She wasn't waiting, either! It's a totally different experience to have a 1 hour 40 minute labor from start to finish vs. a 20 hour labor. I feel like our family is complete, now. It's a good feeling. Next goal. . .lose the baby weight! My little brother is getting married in two months! JJ will be the ring bearer. . .that's gonna be fun!

And time keeps ticking

NO motivation. Nesting is officially over. This happened with Joshua, too. I know what needs to get done, but I'd rather just not do it. Laundry is piling up again. I lete the kitchen go 2 days without cleaning it. Gross. For the last week I've said I was going to thoroughly clean my bathroom. Hasn't happened. I'm not even motivated to write. I'm forcing myself to do it right now because I know it makes me feel better. It's an outlet. When I just feel like saying something that isn't relevant or appropriate at the given moment, I can when I write. It's easier to write sometimes, than it is to tell Chris to put the TV on mute 10 times in a 5 minute period.



Random thought #1: At night, I get up and go to the bathroom every hour and a half to 2 hours. My blinds in the bathroom are open all the time. I'm not sure what constellation I look at every night, but, I look at it EVERY NIGHT. . .every 1 and a half to two hours. I should just go outside and figure it out one night. I bet it's Leo. Maybe I'll do that tonight. We'll see.



Random thought #2: My hands smell like playdough and I have bubbles in my hair.



Random thought #3: I'm tired of The Little Einsteins, but it lets me get stuff done. Ha. I'm not getting anything done right now. It is the background music to my wasting time right now.



Random thought #4: Joshua likes to pretend that his teddybear is a baby. We wrap it up and rock it. . .burp it and he puts it to bed in Caylee's crib. Cute, huh? Then, when he's all done, he throws it up in the air, and Chris doesn't fail to say, "But we don't throw babies. . ."



Random thought # 5: The bathroom could be half clean by now.



Random thought #6: "Linestines" are over now. . .should I put on Reading Rainbow, or "play markers"?



Random thought #7: Seriously no motivation. None.



Random thought #8: WHY IS IT ALREADY 90 DEGREES????!!!! It's the middle of April!!!!!!! My floor will never be clean again. Chris is going to get a baby pool. It will be a baby-doggie pool and mud and dirt like it better inside my house on my freshly mopped floor.



Random thought #9: I'm really not hesitating or thinking before I type any of these random thoughts. This is not a well thought out blog. I'm just venting what's inside this hormonal pregnant brain of mine.



Random thought #10: My midwife told me that if I haven't popped by 39 weeks, they would induce me if I wanted. I don't want to be induced again. It was a horrible experience. I really want my body to do this on it's own, but I don't want to go to 41 weeks. It's disheartening when an ultrasound technician tells you that your placenta is old and don't have any amniotic fluid left. What's wrong with my body? Why didn't Joshua come out by himself?????



Random thought #11: Irritated. Now, I just feel irritated. Enjoy the rest of your pregancy, people say. It will be my last, but who enjoys being kicked in the ribs every morning at 7 AM while a toddler is pulling covers off of the head saying, "Would you like break-tist? How 'bout waffles and eggs or oatmeal?" And peeing every hour is getting old. . .not to mention having to eat carefully to control my freakin' blood sugar. I have to make myself bleed 4 times a day to prove that I don't eat icecream and frenchfries with my vegetables. My belly is sitting on my lap. It's gross. It feels like a 15 pound basketball that I can't put down. And it gets in the way of my cuddle time with Joshua. Not to mention the fact that I run into things and open doors on my belly at least 5 times a day. Why can't I just get it through my head that I can't squeeze through tight spaces any more!



Random thought #12: I won't even be able to go swimming until July after I have the baby. That really, really blows.



Random thought #13: My pretty flowers that I put in my favorite latte mug are now dead. Staring at them makes me sad. I need to throw them out.



Random thought #14: I put on a different episode of The Little Einsteins. I feel like a horrible mother. TV is babysitting my child. I swore I would never let that happen. Chris has the car, so I can't go anywhere with him. I'm not taking a walk or going to the park when it's over 90 degrees. . .especially pregnant when I feel 10 degrees hotter than I really am. Irritated again.



Random thought #15: One more week until I'm officially full term, but that doesn't mean anything. What that means is I can hope for a week until I'm not pregnant anymore or I can face reality that it could be another 5. FIVE more weeks. That is an eternity.



Random thought #16: I sure am negative today.



Random thought #17: Not feeling better yet.



Random thought #18: When I was 18 years old, i felt so pretty. That's when I had the most confidence in my body. Now, my 2 year old son tells me that I'm pretty all the time. He doesn't know that my pregnant body is 10 times larger than my non-pregnant body. I showed him a picture of me when I was eighteen and I asked him who that was. He said, "I Don't Know. . ." He thinks pretty is a round stomach and a butt that counter balances it? I asked him what pretty means. . .he said as he demonstrated, "when you hug and love and when you're nice. . ." Then, I added, "and when you like the way someone looks on the outside, like the hair, eyes, smile, clothes. . .but it's also when you like them on the inside. . ." Chris thinks he does understand the physical aspect of it, though. Joshua points out girls on TV and says that they're pretty. He prefers blondes. I must just be pretty in a different way to him. In the better way. I think we should try to see life like the eyes of a child, more often. It's pretty mind blowing how shallow we adults can be.

Okay. . .random thought time is over. I started this blog at 11:00 AM and it's actually 11:00 PM right now. I should be in bed right now, but my brain won't stop chugging away. It's like a train that doesn't stay on track. It goes back and forth and back and forth. . .getting nowhere and not letting anyone cross the tracks. So, there's this long line of cars getting pissed off at the fact that the train is in the way. I would say that the cars symbolize life in general. . .sleep in this instance. I am tired. I'm just not.

So, let me tell you a story. Then, I'll go to bed. Chris brought home a baby pool today. Joshua decided he'd rather be in it naked than with a swimsuit on. I think he didn't understand the concept of it. They are shorts, right? So, after about a half an hour of play, I decided I might better tell him not to pee in the pool. So, he got out and with much concentration and a slight squat (it was really cute and funny) he peed a whole lot in the rocks. Then, I told him that I smelled doggie poo poo. I talk to him just to talk sometimes. It makes me feel like a human being. Then he went out into the rocks (bare in mind that he was completely naked) and I couldn't quite hear what he had said until it happened. He squatted down, legs together, like he was going to sit in a chair, only, this child didn't have a chair to sit in. It was incredible the strength that he had in his stomach to do this. His face turned red with clenched fists and then I heard it. I heard what he had said 10 seconds ago. "I'm going to poop like the doggie." And he did. Much as I tried, I couldn't stop laughing. Me and my big, jolly Santa Claus belly laughed all the way to the bathroom dragging my two year old with me to get him to finish pooping on the potty. I laughed so hard it made my stomach hurt. I told him that only doggies poo poo outside. I said, "Mommy, Daddy, Oma, Opa, Nanny, Pappy and even Katie and Emily ALL poo poo on the potty, so don't poo poo outside anymore, okay?" He said, "Okay. " Long, long pause, "But I want to go pee outside! May I please pee pee outside?!" And so the potty training begins. I'll let him pee outside anyday if it saves money on diapers. We're going to be buying twice as many in a few weeks, ya know.

Seriously, I'll go to bed, now.

grrrrrr...

"Mom?"

As Joshua yanks the covers off of my head, "Are you hiding?"

My brain whispers, "yes, leave me alone." The little angel on my right shoulder says, "Your sweet little two year old is hungry, needs a diaper change and needs attention." The little devil on my left shoulder says, "Sleep. . .you never get to sleep and are woken up by kicks from the inside, a bladder that fakes you out and a little boy who wants to cuddle in the middle of the night."

Joshua: "mama, get up!" Pulls the covers all the way off of me.

Chris has the remote. He looks at me like I'm doing something wrong.

"I'll get up in 5 minutes." Did I just say minutes or nimutes?

Devil: "It's Saturday, technically this should be your day off. Let your husband do it for once."

Angel: "Your husband is not a morning person and Joshua might not like his eggs."

Devil: " Your husband just glared at you and he went to sleep before you did last night and didn't get up with Joshua!"

Angel: "Come on, they're doing the Love Dare, where's the selfless attitude?"

Devil: "Seriously?"

Angel: "Seriously!!!!!"

Caylee: Kick. Jabb. STAB. KNEE!!

"Okay. I'm up!"


4/3/09

Joshua: Handing his new big boy cup to daddy says, "I got juice!"

I looked over. Chris looked over at me and raised his eyebrow. Then he smelled inside the cup. Laughing he said, "It would be funny, wouldn't it? Juice all over the floor. . ." Do you see what's coming? About a half an hour later, I went to the kitchen to wrap it up before bed. The refrigerator door was wide open. . . puddles of juice spilled down the racks and a huge sticky mess of juice all over the floor in front of it. The juice container was half empty and sitting on the table in the kitchen. He was serious as a heart attack. He got juice.

Don't read this if you're pregnant. I'm serious.

Seriously. WTF.

Sitting here drinking some tea with milk and honey in it, I'm starting to feel a little bit better.

This morning started off really pleasant. Well, kind of. Joshua came to our bedroom at 7:30 after sleeping through the night in his own room and threw a pillow in my face. I don't think he meant to. He just always brings something from his room to ours, puts it on our bed and climbs in. So, that immediatly woke me up. I looked at him, he handed me his (my) soft, pink blanket and said, "mama, will you help me go back to my bedroom?" I said, "No, you don't have to, it's already morning!" I fed the dog, got dressed, made breakfast and left Joshua in the company of his cousins for Chris to watch while I went to my OB Dr. appt. Happy that Joshua would get out all of his morning energy with Katie and Emily, I had a nice relaxing drive to my appointment. When I got there, I signed in and sat down to a Child Parent magazine. I opened it up and decided to read the first article that I saw because there was a picture of a drawn woman breastfeeding her child. I thought it would be something uplifting. Then, I started reading. My chest tightened, my heart started palpitating and I felt tears stinging my eyes as my stubborn hands wouldn't listen to my mind telling them to put the freaking magazine down. That word. That unforgetable word that pulsates in my mind envelopes my heart with grief that has never been my own. The definition of fear: "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger." Danger of what? My heart breaking into a million peices and my imagined life crumbling in my hands. In an OBGYN office, this magazine had an article about a mother's beautiful yet empty birth experience. Her little girl was stillborn. That word should be banned from a pregnant woman's vocabulary and accessablility. The cord that was wrapped around her neck and arm cut off circulation and her heart stopped beating immediatly after the mother's water broke. The breastfeeding picture was put in the article because of this phrase, "My milk came in and poured out like tears for my lost child." The title of the article did not lead on that anything tragic would be told. . .it was a nice title. I thought it was okay to read. Especially in an OB's office. I should have ripped the story out so that nobody else would come across it. Anyway, after I read about the booby tears my name was called and I got to be weighed (5 pounds by the way in one month--better than the 9 pounds I gained last month). Then I was left in an empty office to wait to listen to my baby's heartbeat. The midwife walked in and she said, "Are you okay? You look. . ." Then she drooped her shoulders and made a sad face. I said, "Yes. . ." and then in one sentence I told the story above and about 3 words into it I lost it. I cried. Uncontrolable tears. I don't know where they came from, I just knew my face was wet. So, she made me hop up on the table to listen to Caylee's heart and of course it sounded like a race horse galloping. I'm measuring at 31 weeks which is perfect and she checked me because of all the braxton hicks contractions I've been having and my cervix is long, thick and closed. Mind at ease, the tears stopped and my appointment was over. As I was driving home I realized something. Something that I almost don't want Caylee to know. I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant. My mind told me that I wasn't ready for another baby and that it wasn't good timing. I didn't want to be pregnant at the time. It's not that I didn't want another baby, it just wasn't my plan for that moment. It was God's, though. So, I endured the morning sickness and the emotional and physical growing pains. I felt like less of a mother to Joshua for a while because I physically felt good for nothing. I had no energy, no motivation, and my attitude was just always negative. Then, I started feeling the baby move. It made it more real to me, I guess, but it just wasn't enough to feel any kind of connection. I didn't know how to connect with something inside me that I hadn't met. I had Joshua and the love for him was so deep that I coudn't imagine having love for another person like that. Then, I found out it was a girl. That terrified me. What was I going to do with a girl? I don't know how to be a little girl's mommy. Then she started moving a lot more and I could almost imagine what her personality might be like. But, still. . .no connection. I tried to develop some kind of connection, but I was so tired from chasing Joshua around and trying to step up and be a better mother to him. . . not to mention be a better wife to Chris and attempt a clean house that I just didn't have time to try to feel something that didn't come naturally. I was starting to get worried. I knew that I would love my child no matter what, but I just wasn't looking forward to her arrival. I had so many anxieties. "What if something's wrong with her?" "What if I can't survive the first week with a 2 year old?" "What if something goes terribly wrong during the delivery?" All this BS that I read that happens to 1 percent of the population I imagined would happen to me. I had all these anxieties yet no connection with my baby. Mostly not a connection to the reality that I am going to have another baby. I told Chris this the other day and he said, "Deanna. You have a person inside of you." That got my mind going, but it wasn't until today that it actually hit me. Today at 3 days shy of 8 months pregnant, I have come to the realization that I REALLY WANT THIS BABY. I want to hold my baby. . .cuddle with her. I want to stare into her eyes and then watch her sleep. I can't wait until she latches on for the first time to breastfeed. I want to be her mommy. Now, it's not merely something that's happening to me. I want it. I want her. I'm ready for my family to grow. So, maybe, I was meant to read that article. It was heartwrenching, but it made me realize that me not being in control can sometimes be a good thing. My midwife assured me that the whole stillbirth thing is very, very, very rare. I just need to be more optimistic. I seem to lean more towards the glass being half empty most of the time. Lately, I've been looking for things to look forward to in attempt to get myself out of this lull that I've been in. A good friend of mine told me yesterday, "I don't want to sound like I'm coming down on you, but you need to look forward to every day. . .I mean, come on. . ." I needed to hear that. She's right. So, that's my goal right now. I'm not going to look so far ahead to the future or worry about things I can't control. I'm going to put my energy into enjoying everything, and every day of my life. I can't be a light for Jesus if I'm always blowing out my own flame.

busy busy busy busy

Today, I've managed to clean the bathroom, make breakfast, visit with a friend, take a walk, mop the floor, cut up a cantalope, banana and strawberries for snack, have some peppermint tea, read Joshua 4 books, put him down for a nap, put lunch in the oven and pay all the bills for March before 1:30 PM. That's a lot for me. I still need to clean the kitchen, fit in a shower, take Joshua to the park (because I promised him I would) and make dinner before our new 8:30 bedtime routine of eating yogurt, reading stories, singing songs and cuddling to sleep.

That being said, I think I'll take a 5 minute "do nothing" break and stop wasting time on the computer.