And time keeps ticking

NO motivation. Nesting is officially over. This happened with Joshua, too. I know what needs to get done, but I'd rather just not do it. Laundry is piling up again. I lete the kitchen go 2 days without cleaning it. Gross. For the last week I've said I was going to thoroughly clean my bathroom. Hasn't happened. I'm not even motivated to write. I'm forcing myself to do it right now because I know it makes me feel better. It's an outlet. When I just feel like saying something that isn't relevant or appropriate at the given moment, I can when I write. It's easier to write sometimes, than it is to tell Chris to put the TV on mute 10 times in a 5 minute period.



Random thought #1: At night, I get up and go to the bathroom every hour and a half to 2 hours. My blinds in the bathroom are open all the time. I'm not sure what constellation I look at every night, but, I look at it EVERY NIGHT. . .every 1 and a half to two hours. I should just go outside and figure it out one night. I bet it's Leo. Maybe I'll do that tonight. We'll see.



Random thought #2: My hands smell like playdough and I have bubbles in my hair.



Random thought #3: I'm tired of The Little Einsteins, but it lets me get stuff done. Ha. I'm not getting anything done right now. It is the background music to my wasting time right now.



Random thought #4: Joshua likes to pretend that his teddybear is a baby. We wrap it up and rock it. . .burp it and he puts it to bed in Caylee's crib. Cute, huh? Then, when he's all done, he throws it up in the air, and Chris doesn't fail to say, "But we don't throw babies. . ."



Random thought # 5: The bathroom could be half clean by now.



Random thought #6: "Linestines" are over now. . .should I put on Reading Rainbow, or "play markers"?



Random thought #7: Seriously no motivation. None.



Random thought #8: WHY IS IT ALREADY 90 DEGREES????!!!! It's the middle of April!!!!!!! My floor will never be clean again. Chris is going to get a baby pool. It will be a baby-doggie pool and mud and dirt like it better inside my house on my freshly mopped floor.



Random thought #9: I'm really not hesitating or thinking before I type any of these random thoughts. This is not a well thought out blog. I'm just venting what's inside this hormonal pregnant brain of mine.



Random thought #10: My midwife told me that if I haven't popped by 39 weeks, they would induce me if I wanted. I don't want to be induced again. It was a horrible experience. I really want my body to do this on it's own, but I don't want to go to 41 weeks. It's disheartening when an ultrasound technician tells you that your placenta is old and don't have any amniotic fluid left. What's wrong with my body? Why didn't Joshua come out by himself?????



Random thought #11: Irritated. Now, I just feel irritated. Enjoy the rest of your pregancy, people say. It will be my last, but who enjoys being kicked in the ribs every morning at 7 AM while a toddler is pulling covers off of the head saying, "Would you like break-tist? How 'bout waffles and eggs or oatmeal?" And peeing every hour is getting old. . .not to mention having to eat carefully to control my freakin' blood sugar. I have to make myself bleed 4 times a day to prove that I don't eat icecream and frenchfries with my vegetables. My belly is sitting on my lap. It's gross. It feels like a 15 pound basketball that I can't put down. And it gets in the way of my cuddle time with Joshua. Not to mention the fact that I run into things and open doors on my belly at least 5 times a day. Why can't I just get it through my head that I can't squeeze through tight spaces any more!



Random thought #12: I won't even be able to go swimming until July after I have the baby. That really, really blows.



Random thought #13: My pretty flowers that I put in my favorite latte mug are now dead. Staring at them makes me sad. I need to throw them out.



Random thought #14: I put on a different episode of The Little Einsteins. I feel like a horrible mother. TV is babysitting my child. I swore I would never let that happen. Chris has the car, so I can't go anywhere with him. I'm not taking a walk or going to the park when it's over 90 degrees. . .especially pregnant when I feel 10 degrees hotter than I really am. Irritated again.



Random thought #15: One more week until I'm officially full term, but that doesn't mean anything. What that means is I can hope for a week until I'm not pregnant anymore or I can face reality that it could be another 5. FIVE more weeks. That is an eternity.



Random thought #16: I sure am negative today.



Random thought #17: Not feeling better yet.



Random thought #18: When I was 18 years old, i felt so pretty. That's when I had the most confidence in my body. Now, my 2 year old son tells me that I'm pretty all the time. He doesn't know that my pregnant body is 10 times larger than my non-pregnant body. I showed him a picture of me when I was eighteen and I asked him who that was. He said, "I Don't Know. . ." He thinks pretty is a round stomach and a butt that counter balances it? I asked him what pretty means. . .he said as he demonstrated, "when you hug and love and when you're nice. . ." Then, I added, "and when you like the way someone looks on the outside, like the hair, eyes, smile, clothes. . .but it's also when you like them on the inside. . ." Chris thinks he does understand the physical aspect of it, though. Joshua points out girls on TV and says that they're pretty. He prefers blondes. I must just be pretty in a different way to him. In the better way. I think we should try to see life like the eyes of a child, more often. It's pretty mind blowing how shallow we adults can be.

Okay. . .random thought time is over. I started this blog at 11:00 AM and it's actually 11:00 PM right now. I should be in bed right now, but my brain won't stop chugging away. It's like a train that doesn't stay on track. It goes back and forth and back and forth. . .getting nowhere and not letting anyone cross the tracks. So, there's this long line of cars getting pissed off at the fact that the train is in the way. I would say that the cars symbolize life in general. . .sleep in this instance. I am tired. I'm just not.

So, let me tell you a story. Then, I'll go to bed. Chris brought home a baby pool today. Joshua decided he'd rather be in it naked than with a swimsuit on. I think he didn't understand the concept of it. They are shorts, right? So, after about a half an hour of play, I decided I might better tell him not to pee in the pool. So, he got out and with much concentration and a slight squat (it was really cute and funny) he peed a whole lot in the rocks. Then, I told him that I smelled doggie poo poo. I talk to him just to talk sometimes. It makes me feel like a human being. Then he went out into the rocks (bare in mind that he was completely naked) and I couldn't quite hear what he had said until it happened. He squatted down, legs together, like he was going to sit in a chair, only, this child didn't have a chair to sit in. It was incredible the strength that he had in his stomach to do this. His face turned red with clenched fists and then I heard it. I heard what he had said 10 seconds ago. "I'm going to poop like the doggie." And he did. Much as I tried, I couldn't stop laughing. Me and my big, jolly Santa Claus belly laughed all the way to the bathroom dragging my two year old with me to get him to finish pooping on the potty. I laughed so hard it made my stomach hurt. I told him that only doggies poo poo outside. I said, "Mommy, Daddy, Oma, Opa, Nanny, Pappy and even Katie and Emily ALL poo poo on the potty, so don't poo poo outside anymore, okay?" He said, "Okay. " Long, long pause, "But I want to go pee outside! May I please pee pee outside?!" And so the potty training begins. I'll let him pee outside anyday if it saves money on diapers. We're going to be buying twice as many in a few weeks, ya know.

Seriously, I'll go to bed, now.

grrrrrr...

"Mom?"

As Joshua yanks the covers off of my head, "Are you hiding?"

My brain whispers, "yes, leave me alone." The little angel on my right shoulder says, "Your sweet little two year old is hungry, needs a diaper change and needs attention." The little devil on my left shoulder says, "Sleep. . .you never get to sleep and are woken up by kicks from the inside, a bladder that fakes you out and a little boy who wants to cuddle in the middle of the night."

Joshua: "mama, get up!" Pulls the covers all the way off of me.

Chris has the remote. He looks at me like I'm doing something wrong.

"I'll get up in 5 minutes." Did I just say minutes or nimutes?

Devil: "It's Saturday, technically this should be your day off. Let your husband do it for once."

Angel: "Your husband is not a morning person and Joshua might not like his eggs."

Devil: " Your husband just glared at you and he went to sleep before you did last night and didn't get up with Joshua!"

Angel: "Come on, they're doing the Love Dare, where's the selfless attitude?"

Devil: "Seriously?"

Angel: "Seriously!!!!!"

Caylee: Kick. Jabb. STAB. KNEE!!

"Okay. I'm up!"


4/3/09

Joshua: Handing his new big boy cup to daddy says, "I got juice!"

I looked over. Chris looked over at me and raised his eyebrow. Then he smelled inside the cup. Laughing he said, "It would be funny, wouldn't it? Juice all over the floor. . ." Do you see what's coming? About a half an hour later, I went to the kitchen to wrap it up before bed. The refrigerator door was wide open. . . puddles of juice spilled down the racks and a huge sticky mess of juice all over the floor in front of it. The juice container was half empty and sitting on the table in the kitchen. He was serious as a heart attack. He got juice.

Don't read this if you're pregnant. I'm serious.

Seriously. WTF.

Sitting here drinking some tea with milk and honey in it, I'm starting to feel a little bit better.

This morning started off really pleasant. Well, kind of. Joshua came to our bedroom at 7:30 after sleeping through the night in his own room and threw a pillow in my face. I don't think he meant to. He just always brings something from his room to ours, puts it on our bed and climbs in. So, that immediatly woke me up. I looked at him, he handed me his (my) soft, pink blanket and said, "mama, will you help me go back to my bedroom?" I said, "No, you don't have to, it's already morning!" I fed the dog, got dressed, made breakfast and left Joshua in the company of his cousins for Chris to watch while I went to my OB Dr. appt. Happy that Joshua would get out all of his morning energy with Katie and Emily, I had a nice relaxing drive to my appointment. When I got there, I signed in and sat down to a Child Parent magazine. I opened it up and decided to read the first article that I saw because there was a picture of a drawn woman breastfeeding her child. I thought it would be something uplifting. Then, I started reading. My chest tightened, my heart started palpitating and I felt tears stinging my eyes as my stubborn hands wouldn't listen to my mind telling them to put the freaking magazine down. That word. That unforgetable word that pulsates in my mind envelopes my heart with grief that has never been my own. The definition of fear: "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger." Danger of what? My heart breaking into a million peices and my imagined life crumbling in my hands. In an OBGYN office, this magazine had an article about a mother's beautiful yet empty birth experience. Her little girl was stillborn. That word should be banned from a pregnant woman's vocabulary and accessablility. The cord that was wrapped around her neck and arm cut off circulation and her heart stopped beating immediatly after the mother's water broke. The breastfeeding picture was put in the article because of this phrase, "My milk came in and poured out like tears for my lost child." The title of the article did not lead on that anything tragic would be told. . .it was a nice title. I thought it was okay to read. Especially in an OB's office. I should have ripped the story out so that nobody else would come across it. Anyway, after I read about the booby tears my name was called and I got to be weighed (5 pounds by the way in one month--better than the 9 pounds I gained last month). Then I was left in an empty office to wait to listen to my baby's heartbeat. The midwife walked in and she said, "Are you okay? You look. . ." Then she drooped her shoulders and made a sad face. I said, "Yes. . ." and then in one sentence I told the story above and about 3 words into it I lost it. I cried. Uncontrolable tears. I don't know where they came from, I just knew my face was wet. So, she made me hop up on the table to listen to Caylee's heart and of course it sounded like a race horse galloping. I'm measuring at 31 weeks which is perfect and she checked me because of all the braxton hicks contractions I've been having and my cervix is long, thick and closed. Mind at ease, the tears stopped and my appointment was over. As I was driving home I realized something. Something that I almost don't want Caylee to know. I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant. My mind told me that I wasn't ready for another baby and that it wasn't good timing. I didn't want to be pregnant at the time. It's not that I didn't want another baby, it just wasn't my plan for that moment. It was God's, though. So, I endured the morning sickness and the emotional and physical growing pains. I felt like less of a mother to Joshua for a while because I physically felt good for nothing. I had no energy, no motivation, and my attitude was just always negative. Then, I started feeling the baby move. It made it more real to me, I guess, but it just wasn't enough to feel any kind of connection. I didn't know how to connect with something inside me that I hadn't met. I had Joshua and the love for him was so deep that I coudn't imagine having love for another person like that. Then, I found out it was a girl. That terrified me. What was I going to do with a girl? I don't know how to be a little girl's mommy. Then she started moving a lot more and I could almost imagine what her personality might be like. But, still. . .no connection. I tried to develop some kind of connection, but I was so tired from chasing Joshua around and trying to step up and be a better mother to him. . . not to mention be a better wife to Chris and attempt a clean house that I just didn't have time to try to feel something that didn't come naturally. I was starting to get worried. I knew that I would love my child no matter what, but I just wasn't looking forward to her arrival. I had so many anxieties. "What if something's wrong with her?" "What if I can't survive the first week with a 2 year old?" "What if something goes terribly wrong during the delivery?" All this BS that I read that happens to 1 percent of the population I imagined would happen to me. I had all these anxieties yet no connection with my baby. Mostly not a connection to the reality that I am going to have another baby. I told Chris this the other day and he said, "Deanna. You have a person inside of you." That got my mind going, but it wasn't until today that it actually hit me. Today at 3 days shy of 8 months pregnant, I have come to the realization that I REALLY WANT THIS BABY. I want to hold my baby. . .cuddle with her. I want to stare into her eyes and then watch her sleep. I can't wait until she latches on for the first time to breastfeed. I want to be her mommy. Now, it's not merely something that's happening to me. I want it. I want her. I'm ready for my family to grow. So, maybe, I was meant to read that article. It was heartwrenching, but it made me realize that me not being in control can sometimes be a good thing. My midwife assured me that the whole stillbirth thing is very, very, very rare. I just need to be more optimistic. I seem to lean more towards the glass being half empty most of the time. Lately, I've been looking for things to look forward to in attempt to get myself out of this lull that I've been in. A good friend of mine told me yesterday, "I don't want to sound like I'm coming down on you, but you need to look forward to every day. . .I mean, come on. . ." I needed to hear that. She's right. So, that's my goal right now. I'm not going to look so far ahead to the future or worry about things I can't control. I'm going to put my energy into enjoying everything, and every day of my life. I can't be a light for Jesus if I'm always blowing out my own flame.

busy busy busy busy

Today, I've managed to clean the bathroom, make breakfast, visit with a friend, take a walk, mop the floor, cut up a cantalope, banana and strawberries for snack, have some peppermint tea, read Joshua 4 books, put him down for a nap, put lunch in the oven and pay all the bills for March before 1:30 PM. That's a lot for me. I still need to clean the kitchen, fit in a shower, take Joshua to the park (because I promised him I would) and make dinner before our new 8:30 bedtime routine of eating yogurt, reading stories, singing songs and cuddling to sleep.

That being said, I think I'll take a 5 minute "do nothing" break and stop wasting time on the computer.

Oh no. . .

Yesterday, Joshua was watching something on TV and asked who a character on the show was. I said, "that's her mommy." His eyes widened as he gently touched my arm and said, "This is my mommy. . ." I said, "That's right. . .and when your baby sister comes out, I'm going to be her mommy too. I am going to be Joshua's mommy and Caylee's mommy." I smiled and rubbed his back. I then continued my explaination wanting him to really hear what I was saying, "So, that means that you are going to share your mommy with Caylee." He cocked his head to the side and stared off into the distance in deep concentration. As I tell you this next part, remember, JJ just weaned a few months ago and I do take baths with him and change in front of him. I was wearing a nursing bra that I bought when I was first nursing Joshua so that I could decide if I would need a new one this time. You know, size and comfort and durability kind of thing. It has a snap and it came undone as I was talking to him. So, I lifted up my shirt and fixed it. I decided that this was a good time to remind him again that the baby would have Nah all the time since he would be witnessing this in the coming months. After I said this to him, his eyes got even wider, he smacked his lips as his mouth watered and he said, "And I can share!!" it made me giggle and I explained to him again that Nah is for babies and that he's a big boy and doesn't need it anymore. I gave him a hug and he changed the subject. If Joshua does get curious when I'm nursing Caylee, I have decided that it's okay for him to taste it in a cup. Judge me if you want to, but that's what my mom did to me. Mom, if you're reading this, this is a memory that has stuck in my head. I was four 1/2 years old when my brother Bradley was born. Mom was nursing him and I asked what she was doing. I must have looked really curious because she explained it and then asked if I wanted to taste it in a cup. Now, the difference between me and joshua is I didn't remember what nursing was, JJ will. But, I quickly refused and that was the end of my curiosity. I'm not sure if JJ will respond the way I did, but I do know that breastmilk for newborns has a different taste and consistancy than milk for almost 2 year olds (the age Joshua was when he quit nursing). So, my hope is that he just won't like it.

JJ's Nah. . .

Deanna=very emotional person.
Deanna pregnant=very emotional person times 100.

Chris just brought be some peppermint tea. He knows that hot tea is my favorite way to relax and is sometimes better than a warm hug that will only make me cry harder. He is very sweet. He gets me and I love that about him.

When Joshua became a part of our family, he became a part of who we are. It's like watching a little spawn of us both walking around, developing his own personality. He is so much like both of us. He's ornery, like Chris and emotional, like me. He is considerate of other people's feelings and he needs to feel accepted. He acts older than he is, and I constantly need to remind myself that he's only two.

Let me say, that sometimes I feel guilty for being pregnant. I got pregnant when he was 18 months old. The first 3 months I was sick constantly. I had no energy what-so-ever and I was irritable as all get out. After I started feeling better, I thought really hard about weaning him. My late nurser still needed it for emotional comfort and he was really attached to his Nah. And let me tell anyone who stumbles across this blog that disagrees with "extended nursing" My little boy missed flu season this year and he's never had an ear infection. That's one thing that I just don't understand. How is formula so widely accepted (granted some mothers actually do have a physical problem with the milk coming in) yet mothers who choose to breastfeed past age one are frowned upon? I'll just be candid. It really bothers me when people say they stopped breastfeeding because they were cracked and bleeding and it was just too painful and stressful. I cracked and bled. . .yes real yucky scabby blood for 3 weeks straight and it was never quite comfortable to breasfeed for about 3 months, yet I was stubborn enough to continue it. Then I worked full time for 9 months of my son's life and I pumped 3 times a day. Did I mention I pumped in my car when it was over 100 degrees outside and my lunch break was only 30 minutes. I was fortunate enough to get enough milk out to not have to supplement with formula. He was exclusively breastfed for 7 months. It was not easy. Maybe JJ gets some of his hardheadedness from me. And it drives me crazy that when our kids turn a year old doctors tell us that our babies need milk from a cow. Like I said. I just don't get it. Did you know that children that are nursed past a year score higher on IQ tests. Yes, I'm going to brag for a second. Joshua can sing his abc's without missing any letters (that includes l, m, n, o, and p) and he could count to 10 before he turned two. He sings at least 7 very long songs word for word. His vocabulary is insane! He scares me. I feel like someday, he's going to be smarter than me. He's very loving and considerate of how other people feel. And at two years old, when he's supposed to, as the books say, play side by side with other children his age, instead he tries to play with them. Call me a hippie, but I do believe that this is because of my ever so powerful Nah. Nah, by the way is a word that he came up with for it, and it just stuck. Sorry, I got a little off tangent. When I was 4 months pregnant, I decided to make JJ go cold turkey. This was just before he turned two. I told him, "Nah is empty now. You drank it all. It's all gone." He used to nurse before bed and at naptime. . .by this time I had finally night weaned him. So, let me tell you, I haven't had a full 8 hours sleep since I was pregnant with him. Anyway, it was a hard week. The second day, he asked for Nah and when I told him it was empty, he threw his head down on my chest to cry helplessly at the death of his precious bond to me. After about a week, he still asked for it, but instead of crying, he just sighed and let me rock him. He came to bed with us about two hours into the night and he slept through the night for a while. Remember, I said HE slept through then night. Not me!! I didn't want to deny him sleeping with us since I took away his Nah. Then, as my stomach started taking over the bed I got tired of his absent minded sleep kicks. . .tired of sleeping on my right side after getting smart and turning over. . .and tired of having about 12 inches of my KING size bed to work with just so I could wake up every 30 minutes to push him back to the middle of the bed. I finally wised up and started putting him back in his own bed. It's taken about two weeks (yes this was just recently), but now he only gets up once a night. Since I'm already awake when he comes in the room, Chris doesn't wake up, and I'm ready to walk him to his room and lay down with him. And this is what happens. My eyes are already open, I see him walk into my room and before he gets to the bed, I am already up. He turns around and without speaking one word or touching me, he walks back to his room with me following. He gets into his bed and curls up, closes his eyes and hugs my neck as I lay down with him. He falls asleep within 2 minutes. I know it needed to happen. I knew he would eventually stop nursing, but I always said that I was going to let him self wean. And, it was happening VERY SLOWLY. . .but then I got pregnant and that sped up the process. It became something that I took from him instead of something that he didn't need anymore. And I know he didn't really need it, but do you know what it's like to have such an emotional bond to your child like that? Nobody else could ever give him what I was giving him. It was precious. It was love. . .we have since then learned how to bond in other ways. Now, we have story time, singing time and cuddle time before bed. He also likes to sit with me more often just to be close. I do miss him sleeping with us, too. I know there's a lot of parents out there who say, no way, no how to kids sleeping in thier bed. But, Chris and I both enjoyed it. Joshua was a little cuddle bug when he slept with us. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But, being pregnant and sleeping with a toddler is nearly impossible. I also wanted to get him used to being in his own room and own bed before the baby comes. I'm not keen on the idea of a crying baby waking him up and then having a cranky toddler and tired mom in the morning. So, that was the reason we kicked him out of our bed. I just miss him, sometimes. And, I know how old he is. . .and how big he is, but I miss my baby boy and his nah. I'll never have that again with him. I will with my little girl, but it will be a different experience. I know I'll enjoy it and it will be something special between us, but I'll never forget my boy and his Nah.

That's why I ended up with a wet face as I left Joshua's room tonight. Before bed, Joshua touched my eyebrows, and said, "Your eybrows are soft." Then he touched my eyes and said, "I like your eyes because your eyes are soft." Then he rubbed my cheek and said, "Your cheek is soft." then, "your neck is soft, too." Then he caught be off guard and gently touched my chest just where my skin shows below my neck and said, "And your Nah is soft." Then he told me, "when the baby comes out, the baby will have nah all the time." I said, "yes, because Nah is for babies. When you were a baby, you had Nah all the time, too. But now you're a big boy so you don't need it." He looked down in a blank stare and then his little eyebrows turned down in sadness. I said, "but, you can still have hugs and kisses and cuddles!" And he hugged me. He said, "I'm getting tired now." I smiled, with tears in my heart that I didn't want him to see. Then, he said, "Can I get some lovin's". And I held him until he fell asleep. Now my face is wet again. See what pregnancy does to me? I'd probably feel the same way if I wasn't pregnant, just 100 times better. I love my little boy and in reality, I know I didn't really take Nah away from him. It was probably time. I just miss that ever so trusting gaze, and the love pats. But that void has been filled with cuddles, and lovin's. . .and kisses. He's learned how to kiss with the sound. It's wet, loud and cute! I just know that his life is going to change when Caylee is born. I think I'm just hesitant about the inevitable. I'm a little bit scared. But, I know it will be a good change as Chris says. He says that I'm an "incredible mother" with one and that I will be even better with two. I just have to believe that, I guess. For now, I wait. As I wait for life to happen (literally), I'm trying to focus on living in the moment. I'll never get these moments back, so I might as well enjoy them.

Breakfast

About 7 AM every morning, Joshua climbs onto the bed with me and Chris and says, "Is it breck-tist time?" And every morning after having woken up 5 times to go to the bathroom and once to put him back in his bed, I tell him, "give me 5 minutes". So, he does. Then he pushes the remote onto the bed and askes to watch the "linesteins". That's The Little Einsteins. About 10 minutes later, Joshua says, "Is it breck-tist time, yet?" Then I ask him to turn off the fan so that I can get up. So, he does. Then he climbs up on the bed and pulls on my hand and says, "Get up, mama!!" So I do.

This morning, I pulled a homemade frozen waffle out of the freezer (Joshua's favorite breakfast food), and I made an omelete with onions and cheese. Joshua came into the kitchen and asked what I was making. Then he heard the toaster pop up, got a chair and looked and said in an uncontrollable excited yell, "VERY GOOD JOB, MAMA!! WE'RE HAVING EGGS AND TOAST!" He calls waffles toast no matter how many times I correct him. It's been a long time since someone told me that I did a very good job at anything. Thank you, Joshua.