Today I had the "pleasure" of taking only one of my sweet children with me to run errands. As I was leaving the checkout of the last store, (in a rush to get home to my husband who was ready for a break) I noticed that my little 8 month old daughter had dropped her bottle. It had rolled about 15 feet in front of us next to a lady who had been quietly talking with her eyes across the room to my baby. I hadn't noticed it until then...she looked to be in her late 60's maybe early 70's. Her almost curly frizzy hair was salt and pepper gray and to her shoulders. She was slightly slumped over and her appearance made me a little uncomfortable. I caught myself stepping back a little after our eyes locked. As she pointed to my little girl, she softly laughed, "she looked like she was trying to climb right out and go get it." Referring to the bottle that had rolled over to her. I said, "She probably was...she has a brother and sister at home, so she's always trying to do what they do!" She mentioned that I didn't look old enough to have 3 kids and then said, "I guess that's how I would have looked." Her eyes puddled with tears but nothing fell out. Then she gazed so longingly at my child. I felt protective, yet responsible to do something...to say something. I filled the air with noise, "you don't have children?" I asked. She said, "No..." and then looked as if she would cry. So, I told her I was going to hug her against all that is in my germaphobic little body. And I did. I hugged her. That's all I could think of...she thanked me for letting her talk to my baby and I walked away. As I was driving home my heart was literally heavy with emotion. I couldn't put my emotion into words and then I realized that it must have been a God thing. He was pulling on my soul with this experience. I just hope that that woman runs across someone who will do a better job than I did. I pray that she gets the comfort and the peace that she needs. I want her to have that complete feeling that only God can give her. Those important words aside, If there are any mothers out there reading this, please, enjoy your children and treat them as if they are a gift, because they are. Some people don't have the luxury of a little hand tugging on their shirt just needing to be picked up and cuddled. I find myself pushing those needs from my children aside promising that I'll do it in a few minutes (while I wash the dishes or fold the clothes---or deal with bills). Take advantage of right now. Love at my fingertips...little hearts that are more important than a to do list. There are some people out there that will never experience the love of a child. People that have longed for it all of their lives that will never get the chance that we do.

Music and little squeaky voices explode from my TV filling up the air with sound. The whir of the fan is keeping my 3 month old asleep with it's welcoming white noise. Yet all I hear is quiet. My son is watching TV and my rambunctious 2 year old is occupied with construction paper and markers. I'm sure I'll find a beautiful array of colors on the tile, later, or a pretty picture that she is so proud of on a wall somewhere... but for now, I am enjoying the Peace. My coffee is luke warm...scratch that, it's cold again but I refuse to warm it up for the 5th time today. Breathe....feel the air move into my lungs and then out...my head is impossible to fully clear. "Be still and KNOW that I am GOD." In the noise of my life, I can attempt that and almost succeed for a split second. And then my son walks in the door and stands on the chair next to me and says, "Mommy, I'm still hungry". Caylee runs into the room and screams, "that's my chair!" And so it goes...all day long especially if I try to get any time by myself. Ten minutes later, I'm sitting in this chair again trying to organize some adult thoughts in writing. Caylee is sitting next to me with a calendar saying, "it's a moo, it's a moo!!" about the picture of the cow on the top of the page. I didn't get to use the one coupon on the Chick Fil A calendar that I had waited for all year...the grilled chicken salad. Chris had the car all month for work. I guess I could have gone over the weekend, but getting 3 kids into the car and going anywhere is a HUGE job!!! Now as I type I am being hugged by my two year old who wants a drink of my coffee...oh, she switched gears. She sees the playdough and even though nobody is competing for it is yelling, "my playdough, my playdough!!!" In a screachy whiney voice. Scratch that! all is well again. I just got a wet sloppy kiss on my forehead and shes sitting behind me on my rolling office chair talking quietly to herself. Nope, I was wrong, she's whining about something now. Not. Very. Quietly. Can i type and read a book at the same time? My thoughts right now: "It's an orange kitty cat, not red, orange. " Caylee, "READ DA DORY, HERE MOMMY, READ DA DORY!!!!" Me, "please use your nice happy voice =)" Caylee with a happy sing song up the scale inflection, "May I read da dory???" She gave up and is counting pennies sitting in my lap. How is typing physically possible right now. Why must I persist? I just have so much on my mind and never an outlet to release it all! Yesterday, I put Addison safely in the pack n play to attempt a 2 minute, by myself, bathroom break. When I returned, I caught Caylee's arm just in time as it was hovering over Addison's head with a full glass of water in hand. She was very sweetly saying, "open your mouth," Really? I can't leave the room for just a minute. Most of the time I just take the baby to the bathroom with me, but I just needed a minute. With 3 children 4 and under, I'm not entitled to a minute. Always on my feet, constantly doing something for someone. "MOM!!! I'm ready!!!!!!!!! " Calls my 4 year old. When does a child learn to wipe? Potty training a two year old is so much more than I could have ever imagined. I get the poo poo play by play every day. She has to look directly into my eyes as she pushes just barely managing an audible voice to say, "it's coming out..." face red and scrunched up from the work. *deep breath sigh* And don't get me started on grocery store trips. The kids love the "cart with the car". I took Caylee and Addison with me the other day. Caylee is the work of 3 kids by herself. The buckle is there for a reason. I stopped and talked to a friend and assumed that Caylee was sitting patiently holding the little steering wheel to this big rig I was driving around the grocery store *thoughts interupted as Caylee is pushing a baby doll into my chest saying, "sing a lulluby...sing a lulluby." HOLD ON....Lullabye, and goodnight..."no mommy, rock a bye, rock a bye." Okay. "rock-a bye baby in the treetop...when the wind blows the cradle will rock...when the bow breaks, the cradle will fall... Another 15 minute break from writing this to put the baby back to sleep *pause* Had to run back to the room to stop Caylee from waking her up again....now she's back in here sitting next to me again whining. This is why I don't blog anymore. *laughing to myself* I hate leaving things undone, but I'll have to finish blogging later. Off to make strawberry banana muffins with little hands and turn off the TV. Maybe I can get the kids to Zumba with me today.

5 hours later...where was I?? Oh yeah. Back to my story: So, I was talking to my friend in the store and I thought Caylee was sitting in her seat. Glanced over at the movement at my eye level and realized that she was climbing on top of the car trying to get into the cart. Well, I grabbed her, put her in the cart and ended my conversation. Ahhhh, an adult conversation in the middle of my day!!!! Thank you Missy. Anyway, I decided that the kids (Addison was strapped to me) had had enough of the store even though I hadn't finished shopping, so I was on my way to the checkout. Oh wait, JUICE!! Forgot juice. "there's some on the end of the isle, perfect!" Picked up the juice, put it in the cart where my daughter was sitting and gazed down at my precious little girl who was very contently eating a plump, ripe strawberry. The rest of the berries were strewn across the bottom of the cart. So, I laughed. What else can a mom do, sometimes. Laughter. It is healing...it's better to not take things so seriously, I think.

I found my diary from 6 years ago one night when I was cleaning. Life was so different then. I had "secretly" wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I quote, "but that's never going to happen!" We didn't have kids yet, but that was my dream. I also wasn't sure I would even be able to have children. My biggest quam with life was that I didn't get to be selfish with money because I was the only one bringing in income. Chris was between jobs...I was sad, in one entry, that I didn't get go spend money on things that would make me feel special. A pedicure...getting my hair done...perfume. Funny how things change. I AM a stay at home mom. I am raising 3 beautiful children getting paid with healing, precious hugs, sloppy kisses and love that I never could have imagined those short 6 years ago. Looking into the eyes of each of my children is such an amazing feeling. For that moment, nothing else matters and everything is perfect. In those moments I'm richer than anyone else in the world. Today, I finally did get a little quiet. My youngest was cooing at me and the other two children were sleeping. I was finally able to be still, and in starting into the eyes of my child I was humbled by the fact that God would allow that moment to happen. What are your priorities? Every day, I'm discovering that the more I plan to check off on my to do list, the less I get done. I feel the most accomplished when my kids get the care that they need from me and when I have to choose the dishwater rag to spot clean the floor instead of the mop. At least the piles of clean laundry that still need folded are clean. . .and the toilet gets cleaned every day because my 4 year old is still learning how to aim...and don't get me started on blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah...blah. Anyway, I'm trying to model faith to my kids. That's kind of hard to do when I don't put God first. What are my priorities? At the moment, I'm trying to reorganize them. Intentional living. What a concept!

Addison Grace

3:00 AM February 28th 2011: Caylee woke up crying...this is not unusual at all. She hasn't slept through the night for approximately two weeks before Christmas and since then, has been waking up at least 1 to 3 times a night again. So, in doing my motherly duty of soothing her back to sleep, I started with the braxton hicks contractions again. As I sit next to Caylee's bed staring at her wide eyes, she was quietly looking around as if something were different. She would close her eyes a few times and sense my presence fading out of her room and call me back. I laid my hand gently on her belly like I do every night when she wakes up. Normally she goes back to sleep within 2 minutes, but this night it wasn't working! I knew I'd been in there for at least 30 minutes and within that time I felt like my Braxton Hicks contractions might have been following some kind of pattern. They were not any more intense than they usually were, but the fact that they didn't change when I changed my position made me sweat. So, I decided to take Caylee back to bed with me so that I could keep an eye on the clock.

3:30 AM: I laid Caylee down inbetween my husband and I and she clung to me like a little monkey. This was unusual because the past week, she had played favorites with Chris. She had been his little sidekick and she wanted daddy for everything. I grabbed my phone as another contraction hit and I found the stopwatch. Pretty convenient! Pushed the start button as I tried to pry Caylee off of me and I calmly told my husband that I had been having mild contractions and I was going to time them to see if they were real or not. His eyes popped open and he tried to take Caylee from me but she would have nothing to do with him! So, I calmly rubbed her belly and soothed her with my words wondering if it would be the last time she would be my only daughter. I kissed her face and she just gazed into my eyes as the glow of the stopwatch on the phone softly illuminated her precious little face. I was so calm that I convinced myself that this must be a false alarm ...7 minutes is a long break for me during labor, so denial was inevitable. But 7 minutes passed again and another contraction set deep into my back suddenly grabbed my focus and set off an immediate feeling of anxiety. So, I frantically told my husband to take Caylee regardless of her tears and I went to the bathroom to see if that would stop the contractions. I took my cell phone in with me and called my mom as I sat down.

3:42: One ring..."hello?" my mom said in an almost confused and very crackly voice. "Mom. I'm having contractions 7 to 10 minutes apart. I don't know if it's real labor yet, but will you please just come sleep on my couch just in case? If it's not real, I'm sorry. I just don't know yet."

I immediatly called the birth center which has an answering service have a midwife call back. It took about 15 minutes to get a call back and during that 15 minutes the contractions went from 7 to 3 to 4 minutes apart right away. The midwife finally called and I explained that my contractions didn't feel much more intense than the braxton hicks I had been experiencing for the last 2 months. They were only lasting for 30 seconds and they were mostly in my back and lower abdomen. She told me it was up to me and I could come get checked if it made me more comfortable. We then mutually decided that it was better to be safe than sorry since my last labor start to finish was only an hour and 40 minutes long! I told her I'd be there in 25 minutes or so after my mom got there to watch stay with the kids.

For about 10 minutes after I got off the phone with the midwife, I walked around the house still wondering if labor was real or not. The consistency of intervals insisted that it was, but I still wasn't sure. The contractions did seem to get stronger in intensity, but this just couldn't be it. My water hadn't broken yet and I was calm. My husband was anything but calm, though. He kept insisting that I was leading this and that if I thought we should go NOW we could call the neighbor to wait at the house with the kids until my mom arrived. He had already started the car. I hadn't even found my shoes, yet! I told him that everything was under control and that we could wait for my mom. "If this really is labor, it's just early labor. There's no way I'm in active labor yet, so calm down!" I told him with a smile. He was still holding Caylee and she was just quiet as can be with what looked like a smirk on her face. It was like she thought she was getting away with something by being up at almost 4 AM. Chris gave her to me and told me that I'd better give her some love because he was convinced that this labor was real and we'd be coming home with a baby. So, he went outside to turn the car off as we waited for my mom and I hugged on my little girl. As he walked back in 3 minutes later, I had been watching the stop watch and anticipating another contraction. I handed Caylee off to him just as I experienced another contraction. My mom walked in 30 seconds behind him and we said our goodbyes. I still wasn't sure I was in real labor yet. It was nice to be having breaks between contractions and I actually felt really good! I remember walking slowly to the car taking in the calm air of our neighborhood. I took a deep breath as I enjoyed the quietness of the night and opened the car door to another contraction. "hmmmmmmm....." I thought. And that was it. My husband drove alot slower this time, but every time I had a contraction, he seemed to speed up again. I remember asking him to slow down and telling him that it wasn't as frantic this time. I felt like everything was under control and was sure there was still a possiblity of being sent home after being checked. After 15 minutes of driving, the contractions started to intensify. I remember enjoying listening to Britney Spears sing, "Would You Hold it Against me?" The music was loud and there were no cars on the road but ours. It was just us, the music and the city lights. When we were almost to the hospital, Black Eyed Peas came on. I don't know what the song was, but Chris was singing it in his falsetto voice and I couldn't consentrate on my contractions as he was blasting his voice! So, I told him to Shut up. This is not a phrase that I ever use, especially on my husband, so later, I felt bad for it! He responded by asking me if I still didn't believe I was in labor. As we pulled into the hospital parking lot he asked me if I regretted telling him not to speed. He asked me if I wanted him to park or pull up to the hospital. I couldn't answer through my intense contraction and he pulled up, went inside and grabbed a wheel chair and told me to sit down in it. I told him I could walk and he told me no. We wheeled up to the front desk and he tried to check me in, but the old guy doing the checking in told him that I had to do it. My husband was outwardly annoyed by that and sarcastically said, "really?". Then the guy told him that he could wheel me in the check office if he wanted to. I stood up and walked in myself. The lady at the desk seemed unconcerned that I was in labor and slowly asked me my insurance info, my name, my address and phone #. Between contractions as I held on to her desk to breath through them, I answered with squinted eyes. I could barely consentrate on standing up, much less answering questions! As I was doing this, Chris was moving our car. When he got back inside, he wheeled me to an exam room where the midwife helped me undress, hooked a monitor up to me and checked my progress. Before she checked me, I told her that I still wondered if I was overreacting. As she checked me she laughed as she told me that I was 100 percent effaced and 6 centimeters dilated! So, I laughed as I realized that my husband was right. I was finally glad that we had left for the hospital when we did. I wondered how long I had been in active labor.

I focused on moaning through my contractions with relaxed hands, eyes closed and head down in a sitting position on the bed as my husband and the midwife talked about our first child's birth. My husband fanned me with a bedpan while I contracted and he told the midwife how during my first labor people in the room took turns fanning me with magazines while wearing jackets. I opened my eyes briefly to see a bedpan coming at me at 50 mph! And asked my husband (probably not so nicely) to fan me farther away from my face! That prompted a chuckle from the midwife and my husband. Seriously, was this really happening? We were finally taken to a labor and delivery room. I stopped to hold on to the wall a couple times during that short walk and I heard another woman in labor. She was screaming. This is when I think I started to freak out a little bit. My husband later told me that he heard the lady say she thought she was going to throw up and he made sure the midwife new that I was to be nowhere near that woman or I wouldn't do well at all. We arrived at the room and I remember the nurse telling me to lay down so she could hook me up to the moniters. I told her I didn't want to lay down and I stood up instead for a few minutes. I sat down to be checked again and was at 8 centimeters. I remembered outloud that it took me two contractions to get from 8 to 10 last time and I started to feel out of control of my emotions again. I mentioned that I was scared and I didn't know why... I really feel like the midwife lost me at this point. Instead of talking me through from the beginning of the contraction on, she would pick up about the middle when I was feeling like I wasn't in control and then start talking me through it. My husband thought she might have been out of her element being at the hospital. All I know is I needed a little more coaching and nobody was doing it. I frantically asked for ice. I remember grabbing a handful of ice and shoveling in down my hospital gown in the back and the front. The midwife got me a wet washcloth and that didn't do much. So, Chris started taking over a little...i don't remember what he told me, but it helped...and then he did something that would have shocked even a fly on the wall. He took the ice bucket and poured it on my head!!!!! It was love. It was perfect. I'm sure it was hilarious, too!!! About 3 contractions after sitting down I thought I might need to push and I mentioned this as best I could to everyone as I also yelled that I didn't want to do it anymore. The midwife told me to look at her in the eyes and she said that I was almost there. I knew I was almost there 3 contractions ago, but I felt like nobody was listening to me. All the while there was a nurse trying to get a heplock in my arm! Let me reiterate. She was sticking a needle into my arm that was causing just as much pain as the contractions. The pains were contradicting each other and I was getting angry. She couldn't find my vein. So, she pulled the needle out and held guaze on my unnecessary would until another nurse came in and put a heplock into my other hand. I was about 10 centimeters at this point telling people that I thought I needed to push. I remember telling the other nurse to stop and squeezing her hand through a contraction to make her listen to me. Finally, my husband and the midwife almost silmultaneously told me that if I felt like I had to push, that I could try it. So, I pushed every so slightly and felt relief with the next contraction. She checked me and confirmed that I was at 10 and told me to push again. My water spontaneously broke with this next push, so imagine a gush of water followed immediatly by a head and a body with one long push! I was in shock. There was a baby in my arms. A soft, warm little body just came out of me and I was holding it and kissing it's head. Someone called out that she was indeed a girl and her cries were just beautiful. They were not angry cries like Caylee's...they were more subdued, but almost confused, like, "Why did you bring me into this cold air out of that warm comfy place I want to be in?" My husband cut the cord after it stopped pulsing and I put her right to the breast to nurse. She was an angel. I always wondered if it were possible to love a baby right from the first moment I laid eyes on it. It took a litte more time with my previous two children, but this time, it was love at first sight. She was born at 5:42 AM. And to think, just an hour before I still wasn't sure I was in labor. Here's the kicker...a couple of nights before I went into labor, I was feeling anxiety about how short the labor could be, so I gave it to God. And I actually in all seriousness asked him to please give me more time than with Caylee. I told him that I needed a little heads up first and that I would appreciate at least 3 hours. He gave me 2 hours and 45 minutes. This makes me laugh and thank God for hearing me. I asked...I believed that he would give me what I asked for and HE DID!!

Excerpt from Addison's Pregnancy Journal...

12/7/2010

I randomly thought of a memory I have of the day before I found out I was pregnant with you. I was so sick. I laid on the bed in my room...and watched country music videos (something I NEVER do) as your dad took care of the kids. I just couldn’t move, I was so sick!!! So, your daddy deemed it hot dog and french fry night. The kids loved it!!!! Anyway, dad walked in on my watching Country on TV and my face was wet. My eyes were pouring out tears!!! I don’t know what triggered it, but I was insanely emotional...and I felt so sick...I literally thought something was so wrong with me that I might be dying. It’s comical to me now as I think about it. When I finally stopped crying, I walked out of the room and into the kitchen where everyone was enjoying a "dad" meal. I looked outside, and it was absolutely beautiful. It was just about dusk...but the sun was setting. It was kind of a rainy, sunny, sunset. The clouds were neon pink and they cast a peachy glow on everything outside. The soil and rocks were damp from the light rain 10 minutes before and it smelled like the desert outside. It was like a dream. As I enjoyed that moment before I knew you existed, my stomach was churning. I was so naseated!!! But as I felt like hurling, I also enjoyed the smell of the hotdogs and was a little jealous that I wouldn’t be having one. This makes me chuckle a little bit. This is such a vivid memory to me.
Anyway, back to the present. You are such a little mover!!! The difference between you and the other two is your kicks and jabs are very painful! I know I felt a knee last night...I think I mostly feel knees and elbows from you. Occasionally, it feels like someone is massaging my tummy from the inside. When you start moving, it seems like you’re either just having fun kicking around or you just can’t get comfortable. I like to lay on my left side...you don’t seem to like it, though because that’s when I get a lot of knees and elbows. You’re starting to be on a schedule already. You do a lot of acrobatics at 10 PM for about half an hour or so...and again just after midnight until I finally am able to sleep through it...I have to say...with the other two children, the reason I was excited about delivery day (while I was pregnant) was because I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore after they were born!!! With you, though, I’m actually excited to meet you for the first time. To examine you and look you over....to see your pretty eyes and find out if you’re going to be a little blondie or a brunette...a lot of hair or just peach fuzz. I want to kiss your face and smell your newborn baby skin after you’re "milk drunk". I want to hold your fingers and touch your tiny toes...put bows in your hair and cute little footie pj’s on you!! I want to be your mommy. It’s taken me 7 months to realize that I couldn’t imagine life without you. Your brother and sister like to zerbert me on the belly. You get really still when that happens...JJ talks to you a lot. He puts his mouth on my belly like it’s a balloon and I can barely make out the words. It’s pretty funny. He’s going to be a really good big brother for you. Caylee is very affectionate and likes to take care of people...so, I know she’ll want to help me a lot with you! I have to take my gestational diabetes test again in a few days...yuck. And then on Monday, I’ll have an ultrasound to see if my low placenta has moved up. It better have, because I want to push you out. It’s so unnatural to be pulled out of a hole cut by a doctor! That’s one of my fears...Well, I’m almost finished with my tea...and the kids have been in bed for a couple hours...daddy has too! So, I’d better head in that direction.

Long time no blog.

REAAAAAAALLLY long time! Gone are the colic days...Caylee is now replacing those with night weaning, sleep training, taking diapers off (with poop in them while still wearing pants), climbing EVERYTHING, playing with dog poop and splashing in potties. That doesn't even begin to cover it all for her. She is just a magic hat full of personality. I've never met anyone more emotional than me, but she tops me by a long shot. Joshua is incredibly perceptive and beyond his years already. He's at that tender age where he is absorbing everything like a sponge. And he has a memory like an elephant. I am thankful that I get to stay home with him because I couldn't imagine what he might learn 8 or 9 hours away from me. When I went from 1 to two kids, I never imagined that they would actually love each other. It's a gift to watch. I love to hear them laugh together, but believe me, there are plenty of teachable moments when they do not get along. Can I imagine the laughter of 3 children in my house? NO. Not yet. I'm still coming to terms with it at 5 months pregnant. Another little girl to add to the mix will really spice things up, I guess. I just can't quite fathom it, yet. I have to sneak lavendar oil into Caylee's bath every night, lather her up in the stuff before bed and spray her sheets and pillows with the spray. And then pray that she'll sleep all night long. It's hit or miss at this point. It seems like it's 5 days on and 2 days off for her. When she doesn't sleep, she gets up every hour to two hours. When she does, she sleeps all night. At this point, I'm a little baffled by it. I just can't help but wonder what it would be like getting up with two children all night long. JJ on the other hand sleeps like a log. He sleeps through Caylee screaming at night. One night, I told him that it was okay to go sleep with daddy (this was after 2 hours of Caylee crying) and then I realized that he was, in fact, snoring away. I'm slowly accepting that keeping a clean house isn't half as important as taking a shower every couple days...at least a load of dishes goes into the dishwasher every day. I got that down! But that's about it. My husband constantly has to remind me that my most important and influencial job is raising the kids while he's at work. Raising kids. That's kind of a funny phrase. It's a test of patience. . . constant teaching and reminding. It's a never sit down job that is only rewarding in tiny moments. But those moments are pieces of my history that will forever be engraved in my mind. Moments that turn fatigue into unrealistic energy. Moments that make me forget about that dried booger on my shoulder that isn't my own. I cherish the responsibility that God has given me as Caylee and Joshua's mother. And now we get to welcome another life into the house. It's a gift. That phrase doesn't throw the anxiety out the window, though. But God has chosen me to be the mother of this little child growing inside of me. That idea leaves me speechless.

It was like a rusty nail constantly being driven into the wimpy edges of my sanity. . .the friend of the chalkboard nails when you have a migraine, and the partner of sand in your bathing suit with no place to wash off. It shredded my confidence as a mother and robbed me of precious time with my firstborn. I wanted nothing more than to cry myself back to sleep after my son would wake me up in the morning. Little did he know or understand for that matter that he woke me up from the 30th ten minute nap I had been able to catch that night. . .every night for 2 1/2 months straight. Yes, I understand, now, why sometimes just shoving a "Nah" in the baby's mouth just won't work. My daughter doesn't take breastmilk as a cure all pill. Colic has stained my memory with blurred insanity. My sweet little girl would scream. . .ahem. . .SCREAM and cry in what seemed like pain and discomfort from 9 PM (like clockwork) to 2 AM every morning. I burped her, fed her, bounced her, sang to her, rocked her, carried her up and down the street at midnight, danced with her, talked to her, gave her gas drops, burp her after every 30 seconds of nursing. Out of my diet, I cut out dairy, peppers, onions, beans, cauliflower, brocolli anything gassy. Most of the time when I got sleep it was on accident while sitting up in the "pink rocking chair" so that she could be upright when she actually slept. This child just didn't seem to need sleep and NOTHING I did was the right thing to do. . .between 9PM and 2AM every day. Sometimes it lasted until 3 or 4. Once I do remember seeing the clock at 5 AM after no sleep at all. I was amazed that when I fell asleep with her in the chair that she didn't fall out of my arms. I would wake up because it was too quiet. This is probably the reason I haven't written in this blog for so long. My creativity and motivation diminishes greatly with lack of sleep. I tried gripe waters, colic tablets, ginger tea, peppermint tea, massage. . .you name it. Finally after Many 2 AM internet searches for something that would cure my screaming daughter, I stumbled across Colic Calm. Yes, I am plugging them. I'm really only writing this in hopes that someone will stumble across this blog and get the relief that we did. I ordered the stuff after tireless researching of the ingredients listed in the product. . .even after I ordered it, I poured over the testimonials second guessing myself and wishing I didn't spend the money on something I wasn't even sure would work. It arrived within 2 days and I didn't wait. I didn't wait for the screaming to begin. I thought I'd try to be proactive. It was difficult at first to give my 2 month old daughter this stuff. She wanted to taste it so she'd try to push it out with her tongue. It has a very pleasant sweet taste. Much sweeter than breastmilk! And it's BLACK!!!! It's from the vegetable charcoal (the main ingredient) that draws out impurities from the system. The black part freaked me out a bit, but I quickly got over it. So, it always took about 15 minutes to give it to her and I had a wet washcloth in hand to clean up her face and an old ugly bib to catch anything that dripped. Anyway, I got off track a bit. When Caylee wasn't having her Colic fits, she was actually a bit tense all the time. Her whole body just seemed tense. She never really relaxed. After the first time I gave it to her at 2 PM, she relaxed. She was soft and cuddly. . .and she didn't start crying that night until 11:00. I gave it to her again at 11 and it took about 1/2 an hour for it to really take effect. . . My little miss screamer turned into a peaceful little angel from 11:30 to 3:30 in the morning. Then all it took was nursing her back to sleep because her magic curse colic time was over. The next day wasn't so blurry. . .then the next few weeks got a little bit clearer and I noticed that I had a husband again. . .and a son. She needed it until she was 3 1/2 months old and then the colic just sort of stopped. . .suddenly. I guess that's how it works. . .but whoever is out there reading this, you don't have to wait it out!!!! I think I may just make this my standby baby shower gift.

Anyway, it's been a few months now since the colic has passed, but the colic is what I think started my post partum depression this time around. I had it with Joshua, too, but I thought it was because I was juggling work and home life while exclusively breastfeeding and being forced to choose between pumping in my 100 degree car and the nasty call center bathroom! I'm not fond of those memories, but I know that I needed to go through that season of my life so that I would appreciate what I have now. Then, my daughter was colicky. So, the post partum depression well. . .it's fading. I think God has been teaching me how to lean on Him. . .and walk with Him. . .and TRUST Him. . .and hear Him. It's a lot of pressure to learn how to be a good mother of two, and a selfless wife at the same time. It's a lot of learning. . .and we're never perfect. But, God is. . .and if I can make Him my example and my Rock, at least I'll never see how far down I can go again. . .because I'll be looking up.

Even though Joshua is a VERY SMART little boy, I have to remember that he is only two and a half and he doesn't know how to express his every emotion. As I think back to this morning, I have come to realize that when I felt like I needed alone time, I disrupted his normal routine by letting the TV babysit him as I checked my email. He needs his mama time in the morning and he didn't get it. Caylee was still asleep. I heard her starting to wake up on the baby moniter. . ."Cars" was blasting on the TV. Not 3 minutes later I heard a little hand smack my baby girl on the tummy 5 times (this I later found out from Joshua as he confessed what he did) and then came the screams from my 3 month old. I ran in there and with a very raised voice asked Joshua what he did to his little sister. He was just shocked at my tone. . .and as his eyes widened. . .he didn't know what to say to me. I usually use a very calm and assertive tone, but truthfully, this whole thing scared me because I didn't know how hurt she was or if it just startled her. So, I escorted him to his room and repeated myself. As my little boy's lip puckered up in sadness at his mama's reaction to hitting his baby sister, I gave myself a little reality check. Just like a parent of a precious little two year old testing limits and learning lessons, God probably doesn't like to watch us make mistakes. But, he lets the consequences teach us what we need to know. If he didn't do that, we wouldn't learn. I wanted to hug him and yell at him at the same time. So, as he cried, I took some time to cool off and later talked to Joshua about his actions. He was very remorseful. He really is a little sweetheart. I think I used too big of words and ideas for him sometimes, but then he seems to "get" it. He understands WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to much for a kid his age. In a sad voice, I told him that I work hard to take care of him and Caylee every day. I told him that I protect him and I protect Caylee, but I shouldn't have to protect Caylee from him. Yeah, I know. Big concept. But, if you don't think he understands this, you don't know my son. He very remorsefully said, "I'm sorry mama," He frowned with a sad face and gave me a hug. Then, he said, "I have to go tell Caylee that I'm sorry." And yes, he does use all of these words. I explained I was very disappointed at his actions and that we'd have to figure out some type of consequence. Then, I went to the livingroom, lavished Caylee with attention and told her that I was sorry that her brother hurt her. Joshua layed down on the carpet in a fetal position and with an embarassed voice said, "I'm sorry, Caylee for hitting you." We decided that his punishment would be to take away all of his toy cars. He very willingly picked them up and helped me put them away. He's got quite a collection. He gets one car back. . .at a time when I catch him being nice to her. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Maybe I take it too seriously. I don't know. I just don't want to mess up my kids. And my relationships with my children are very important to me. I think God gives us multiple children to teach us what it's like for him. Sometimes I think about how Christians treat each other. People being children of God sometimes forget that we are each other's brothers and sisters. . .what a profound thought. How easy it must be for God to love all of us. Being a parent, I can't imagine it any other way.

It's all about living

I'm sitting at my parents computer finishing my luke warm coffee and listening to my little boy's tender heart spill out in emotion in a way that is only "acceptable" for a two year old to express. During his melt down, I feel the same way that he does. His words ring in my ears, "But I thought they're not leaving! I thought they're not going home!" My brother Bradley and his wife just pulled away in a car headed to the airport. Matthew got married on Saturday. We hugged him and his new beautiful bride goodbye yesterday. The last of the family is leaving tomorrow. It's been bittersweet. The taste is still in my mouth but my heart hurts right now. I just miss our yesterdays. That's life, though. Savoring every moment isn't something that I knew how to do when I was a kid. I remember what it was like to be chased around the front yard by my brother Bradley with stink bugs in his hands. I used to sing Matthew to sleep before I went out on dates in high school. Dinner was always fun because there never failed to be a funny story that left everyone out of breath from laughter. I remember having to make sure I didn't have food in my mouth when dad told a story. . .with Bradley, there was always something unexpected that he would say. I was always the gullable one that believed everything anyone said. Let me tell you something. . .it's not because I'm stupid. It's because of trust. Trust and love is what glues our family together and I feel lucky to have the memories that I do. Even the bad ones. I didn't know what savoring those moments meant, then. I do now.

I've been sleeping at my parents with the kids every night that everyone has been here. It felt like home. One morning I just layed in bed with my eyes open. The hazy, soft morning light peeping in the window and the smell of sausage cooking with a hint of coffee was like a cuddly blanket around me. All day long the hum of people noise constantly overtook the quiet of every room. The sweet southern accents of my Aunt and my Papa surrounded me with a feeling of calm amidst the stressful rushing around before going anywhere. In fact, stress was almost fun. This time around, though, it's me that has the bundles of shtuff that has to go with us everywhere "or so help me!" My daughter took so well to my Aunt Iris, that I almost don't know what I'm going to do without her! Caylee is going to have withdrawals.

We were all together to see my baby brother get married. We didn't get to see him much. He just got back from Iraq and is living two states away, now. He was engaged the whole time he was over there. So, his agenda was to marry his stunning beauty and ride her off into the sunset. Mine was to drink up every moment I could with my family. . .I wish I could have seen him more, though. I feel like I didn't get enough time with my brothers. Everything is different now. We all have our separate lives and priorities. It's so strange to know that both of my "little" brothers are married and we all live in different states with our spouses. Yes, I cried at the wedding. I have the memory of his expression burned into my mind of when he first saw his bride on thier wedding day. He is absolutely in love with his wife.

The reception was a party to remember! I had Caylee strapped to me most of the night even as I sang Unchained Melody for Matt and Ashley to dance to. She was my dance partner and she slept most of the time! Joshua started the reception with his very full diaper at his ankles (underneath his clothes) and ended the night naked, peeing in front of the Officers Club. It was Classic. From the time Joshua found the dance floor, he decided to own it! I saw him take a little girls hand and spin himself underneath it! Adorable! Of course her arm was so tweaked around that she ran away from him after he did it. One of the most priceless moments of the night was when the dance floor suddenly went quiet and it felt like time stood still for a second. I turned around to see something that took my breath from me in surprise. My son was glowing. He had green glowy stuff dripping like slime from his mouth. It was all over his cute little suit that he wore as the ring bearer and the glowy stuff was splattered on the floor. It look like an alien from a horror movie had french kissed him! He had bitten into a glow stick. Thank God they are non-toxic. The "boys" including my handsome husband and my daddy were all outside smoking cigars while the ladies danced crazy on the dance floor. My 81 year old Papa even danced. . .fast!!! I also got a slow dance with him. I asked him if he was enjoying his vacation. I don't talk to him much and so I think I was a little bit nervous searching for words. I said, "I love vacation! It's all about good food for me!" We're always eating at my house! There's always conversation around the breakfast lunch and dinner table that floods my memory with happiness. That's what I was referring to. Then, I looked into his eyes as we were slow dancing and he said to me with a sweet, wise voice, and a nod of the head "It's all about living."

Alone

Sitting on the back porch at my mom's house I could faintly hear the excitment in my two year old's voice inside as they played on the computer watching videos on You Tube. My 1 month old little girl was inside peacefully sleeping. . .it's about the only time that she's peaceful. I needed to be alone. It was dark outside except for the glow of the lights coming from the back door from inside the house. So, I lit my candle. Yep, I brought a candle from home just for a moment like this. I feel like a dork. But, it set a nice mood for me. It was Vanilla scented. I looked at the stars. It's been a long time since I'd looked at the stars. I remember looking at the stars all the time while I was a teenager, mostly with whatever boy I was "dating" at the time. Geez. . .some of those relationships lasted maybe two weeks. Ha. That's funny. Relationship. . .I had a couple that were a little over a year. One of those year relationships was with someone that my husband stole me away from. Yes, these are the things I think about when I'm alone. My mind actually gets the opportunity to wander. NOT possible with two kids under the age of 3. I'm constantly moving. At this moment, I was still. . .I rocked back in the rocking chair and closed my eyes. It was actually chilly outside. My parents house is backed up to the desert so I got wafts of cool and warm air every 3 seconds. Nice. My mind wandered again. I was alone. Strange to be alone. Even when I go to the bathroom I'm not alone. I either have tiny fingers under the door attached to a voice calling me mama. . .or I can hear my newborn's cry while someone else is holding her when I'm in the shower. I was alone. My eyes still closed, I felt the breeze gently playing with my hair, the strands that frame my face dusting my cheeks. I took a deep breath in. I was relaxed. . .much to the help of the pinot grigio that I was sipping on. I swear I only drank a couple tablespoons of it! Not that I have to explain myself. I am a grown woman, you know. Ha. Sometimes, I still don't feel like it. I've been so emotional lately. So needy as I take care of the needs of the people who need me. My kids. . .my husband. What about me? Yes, these are the thoughts that crowd my head when I'm alone. . .when my mind is not being consumed by someone else's questions. . .or demands. What about me. What a selfish way to think. But, that's the way of the human heart sometimes. Being giving without wanting to be. Being selfless but still feeling selfish. I need to be alone sometimes, I guess. My eyes were still closed. . .the crickets were almost deafening in the absence of my children's voices. I heard a horse somewhere off in the distance. Then, the neighbor's Air conditioner kicked on or something. A loud manmade object broke me out of my bliss. I opened my eyes. The sliding glass door to the backyard opened. . .out tromped my precious little two year old. Of course the first thing he noticed was my candle. My mom followed him over to try to stop the inevitable. He blew it out. My mom apologized for interupting my moment and went back inside. I looked back over at Joshua. He was so proud of himself that I couldn't be saddened by the smell of my extinguished candle. I told him, "Thank you, I can see the stars better, now" I smiled. He took the candle back inside to my mom and proudly proclaimed, "I blew it out for mama!" My time alone was over. It was fleeting, but nice. And it was needed.

My son.

From a distance (really, it sounded pretty far away!) I heard the frantic voice of my two year old son.

"HELP!! HELP!!!"


So, I started looking for him. I thought it was coming from the garage. . .It was locked from the inside. . .I looked anyway. Still no sign of Joshua.

"HELP!!! HELP!!!"

Where was it coming from? I looked toward the bedroom door. . .looked in the bedroom. Debated looking in the closets or under blankets. It just wasn't making sense to me!

"Joshua!!! Where are you?" I yelled.

"In heee--ah!"

No! I frowned. It couldn't be. . .

I opened the dryer. Out popped his two little feet and then his whole body. My son.

Seriously?

This morning was awesome! Caylee stayed up for an hour and a half in the middle of the night with gas but then she let me sleep for 4 1/2 hours straight! I am such a better mom when I get sleep. I type this as I listen to her pooping in the other room. . .another poop, another feeding and I'll be able to finish it later, I guess.
So, I felt great this morning. I decided to take the kids for a walk. "The kids". That sounds so funny to me. We went to the park. Joshua was good the whole time. No time outs. . .no talking back. He didn't utter that word one time. The word that I hear him say at least 50 times a day. No kidding. . .Can you guess it? The word is "No". He even uses it to begin most of his sentences. It's like he anticipates not being able to get his way. Example: "No, I want to watch Thomas the Train!" And that's me doing my own thing and him coming into the room to tell me. "No, I want juice!" We're working on the "May I please. . .thank you. . .and your welcome", again. He's getting better. I think it's really going to take at least a month for things to get back to some sort of normal for him. He's down for a nap. . .that's good. He didn't fight it, either. I think I'm starting to get my Joshua back.
At the park it was beautiful. It was sunny, breezy, perfect temperature. . .I was sitting on a bench underneath a shade tree watching Joshua roll his cars down the slide. A pre-teen looking boy with shaggy hair and a hat. . .probably taller than me came over, sat down next to me and asked which kid was mine. I thought it was strange that he was asking me that, but I answered him and smiled. He told me Joshua was cute. About 30 seconds later, I figured out the reason he was sitting by me. He was using me as protection of sorts. Two other teenage boys came over to the bench and started asking him to fight. The boy that was sitting on the bench said, "You really want to get kicked in the balls? I'm not going to fight you right now. I have a girlfriend here (she was sitting at a picnic table underneath a ramada). The other two boys were egging him on saying, "It's now or never!" I wouldn't have gotten involved if it didn't irritate me that these little boys had the mouths of sailors. So, after a bad word, I interupted and said, "Hey, could you please watch your language, there's kids over here." One of the boys looked at me with squinty eyes and then seemed sorry when he apologized. Then he continued trying to get this other kid to go somewhere else to fight him. The kid next to me said, "Can't you see, there's adults around here?" At this point, I was irritated with these two boys standing over the bench I was sitting on. They were interupting my beautiful day with discusting attitudes and squeaky puberty voices that I shouldn't have to deal with yet. I have at least another 10 years until I'm supposed to parent that. I interupted again, "I'd rather you not talk like this around my son. You really should leave. We were here first and my son doesn't need to be around this kind of behavior." Well, I became the role modle today. I was the parent looking over those kids shoulders telling them that the behavior they were exibiting was not appropriate. I said, "Are you serious? Are you being serious or are you really friends?" I almost didn't know. Boys treat each other that way sometimes when they're friends. . .but they were so young and squeaky that it was almost comical to listen to them try to fight. The boy standing over the bench trying to pick the fight said, "I'm serious." Then, the kids kept at it. He kept trying to get the other boy to go fight him. He said, "you don't just flick (yes he said flick, not flip) me off and then run away at the bus stop!" I said, "why can't you just ignore it?" He said, "I can, but it made me really angry." So, I said, "Why can't you just talk it out? Let me explain something to you. In the real world, when you become an adult, when you're on your own and you have bills to pay, if you handle things like this you'll end up in jail. It's more respectable to just walk away." He said, "But you can't just flick me off and run away!" So, I said, " I don't agree with what he did, either, but you're a better person if you just walk away. So, please walk away." And they did. The other boy that was sitting next to me had his head resting in his hands, eyes covered by his unruly hair and he just sat there for a minute. Then he got up, seemed almost embarrased by what had happened and he went back over to the ramada where his friends were. His "girlfriend" had left in the middle of the verbal fight between the boys. He told this other girl underneath the ramada not to tell his girlfriend but that he wished that she was his girlfriend instead. Another boy said, "but don't you love her?" He said, "Yes, but if she wasn't here, I would have fought him." So, I stopped listening and went back to enjoying my peacefully breezy day. So, now, I have one thing left to say about that. Seriously?

Caylee's Birth Story.

5/11/2009

It was just another day of Braxton hicks contractions. I swept and vacuumed the house, cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and I went to the grocery store so that I could make dinner for my in-laws.

5:30 Irritated. Lower back pain--felt menstral. . .irritable and braxton hicks 30 minutes apart. . .it wasn't painful, though so I thought nothing of it.

9:30 PM: So irritated that I was going to have another night of false labor that I picked Joshua up, put him in the stroller and took a very fast and hard walk around the park

11:00: Went to bed. Woke up to go to the bathroom a few times but still no labor.

5/12/2009

6:30 AM: Joshua came to bed with us and layed smack dab in the middle of my pregnancy pillow. I turned over to find another pillow and went back to sleep.

6:55 AM: Woke up to what felt like a BIG MAN HAND punching me in the cervix. I heard something. Didn't sound like a pop, though. I think I recall making some kind of sound. . .I got up and felt a gush of warm fluid. I thought I might have peed my pants. Seriously. So, I went to the bathroom and I sat there for about 5 long minutes contemlating. . ."pee or amniotic fluid. . .did I pee my pants or did my water break?" I had my first contraction at the end of that 5 minutes but it wasn't much stronger than the braxton hicks I had had over the course of the last month. I decided, just in case. . .I would take a shower. I looked over at my two peacefully sleeping men in my life laying so quietly on the bed and I closed the door to the bathroom. Another contraction. "What?" I thought. This was 5 minutes after the first one. This had never happened before. I got in the shower and the water felt so good on my achey back that I thought I couldn't possibly be in labor. It was easing whatever discomfort I was feeling. 2 minutes later? Another one? I took about a 15 minute shower and I had at least 7 contractions in the shower. . .each one harder and longer than the last. By the end of my shower I was still in denial that I was in labor. I dried off, went back into my bedroom and grabbed some hair lotion, slathered it all in my hair with the intent of going curly and by that time I couldn't even stand up straight. Didn't finish my hair. . .I was definately in labor with contractions 2 minutes apart.

7:20 AM. I whispered, "Chris!!!" As loud as I could, but trying not to wake up Joshua. He sat up in bed and frowned. He looked back at me and whispered, "What's wrong? Are you okay? What are you doing?" I was staring at him with sopping wet hair, clutching the wall to our bathroom (you can see the mirror of our bathroom from the bedroom---it's an open area without a door). I was doubled over in pain trying to talk through my contraction. By this time, Chris had no idea at all what was going on. The contraction ended and I walked over to the bed and explained that I thought my water broke and I thought I might be in labor. He told me to call the Birth Center. I told him to call his mom to pick up Joshua just in case. . .he did.

7:23: Joshua popped out of bed just talking away. . .I told him that my tummy hurt and not to be scared because It needed to hurt so baby Caylee could come out.

7:24 another contraction---halfway through the contraction, Joshua tapped me on the belly, "You're feelin' betta now, wite, mama?" I whispered, "Just go get daddy. . "

7:25: Chris brought me my phone and asked me if I had called the birth center yet. Still having contractions 1 1/2 to 2 minutes apart, I tried to explain that I couldn't. But, I pushed the saved # in my phone and attempted to tell the person on the other end of the line that I thought I was in labor. Yes, I said, "I think I'm in labor" and that took me about 1 full minute to get out. Chris was on his phone with my mom as I was doing this. I gave the phone to Chris so he could finish giving my info to the lady and she said the midwife would call me back. We had reached the answering service.

7:30: My midwife called me back. Chris answered the phone and gave it to me. She asked me what was going on. Again, I attempted to say, "I think my water broke at 7:00 AM and I can't even time my contractions." Later my midwife told me that she couldn't understand one word that I had said! To that she said, "I think it's time to go to the hospital. I'll meet you there."

7:31: I was sitting on the toilet because I felt like I had to poop. Sorry. . .too much information. Chris peeked in and said, "well, I'm gonna get a shower, then." To that, I remember yelling, "You don't have time to get a shower. We have to go right now!" I was holding the door to the bathroom with my eyes closed moaning ( I read about this somewhere) through the contractions. I then said, I can't do this anymore! Then, I immediatly felt like I was going to throw up and told Chris to get me some ice. I thought, "Oh crap, I'm in transition." But how was this possible? I was only 1/2 an hour into labor!!

7:32: Chris said, "Well, I'll get Joshua in the car, then. . ." He was rushing around with really wide eyes like he didn't know what to do. . .it was so funny. If I wasn't in labor, I think I would have laughed, but I couldn't bring myself to at the time7:33: Chris walked in the door, "where are the bags?" I told him. . .and he ran them out to the car. I still hadn't told him that I thought I was in transistion.

7:35: Chris helped me to the car, I turned on the seat warmer and got ready for the ride of my life.

7:45: Gary (my father in law) drove up next to our car right as we were getting ready to turn onto the main road to leave our neighborhood. We practically threw Joshua to Gary and we were on our way. We went through 3 school zones. . .stopped at all the lights, even the crosswalk ones and Chris drove like a crazy person! I told him to. He told me the highest speed he reached was 90. I remember when he did that because I closed my eyes as he was passing people using a turn lane and I thought hospital thoughts. "don't have the baby in the car, don't have the baby in the car. . ." "Do you want music?" Chris so sweetly asked me. "NO" I said as he slammed on the breaks to turn a corner again. He later told me, "When you drive fast, you have to slam on the breaks so you don't hit people." Every time he hit the breaks I was having a contraction and Caylee's little head slammed into my cervix. I'm sure it sped things along. About 10 minutes before we got to the hospital I told Chris I needed an epidural. He told me that by the time we got there I wouldn't have time for one. He said, "By the time we get there, you'll be ready to push!" I thought he was just trying to blow smoke up my behind to give me confidence. He kept telling me what a good job I was doing. I hummed through every contraction. . .It really, really helps! I finally let Chris turn on the radio. . he turned it to a Christian station. . .I don't remember the song that was playing, but I remember the radio went back off after about 5 minutes. By the time we got to the hospital, my contractions were 30 seconds to a minute apart.

8:30 I stepped out of the car, held on to Chris's neck and I couldn't move. Chris said, he remembers someone in the background saying, "I think she's in labor!" A security guard pulled up with a wheel chair, I sat down and have never ridden in one of those things so fast in my life before. Poor guy seemed scared that I wasn't going to make it to the room or something. He yelled, "Where do you want her?" My eyes were closed the whole time, but I opened them to my midwife's calm voice telling me that I had to stand up and get undressed so she could check me. I stood up, held onto the side of the bed and leaned on it with my hands. I couldn't move again. Contractions were one on top of another. They stripped me down to my bra and Chris walked in after having parked the car. When I think back on how he might have felt, it leaves me with another 'bout of laughter. My husband walked in as I was naked, big pregnant butt staring at him. I mooned my husband at the door. I can just imagine what his facial expression might have been like. Finally I layed down in bed so they could check me. Expecting to be there for another 10 hours I said, " I don't want to lay down!!" The midwife calmly but very assertively said, "you have to just for a minute so I can find out where we're at." So, she did. Contractions are still one on top of another at this point and my eyes were closed the whole time. My midwife told me to look at her. She could probably tell that I was in desperation at the idea that this kind of labor was going to last so many more hours. So, I looked at her and she said very firmly, "This is different this time around. You're already 8 to 9 centimeters. . .you're almost done. We're gonna have a baby!" I thought, "Yeah right, with my son I was 9 1/2 centimeters for 3 hours." My midwife talked me through the next 2 contractions. . .she said, "just moan through it. . " She demonstrated a deep throaty moan and I coppied her, "so that's the right way to do it," I thought as my midwifes voice sounded like it was in a tunnel echoing around me. She said, "now, breathe slowly and let you're body relax at the end of this contraction. I know it still hurts but it's almost over. . .just relax." And I did. Strange. I noticed that my hands were even relaxed. With Joshua, there's a picture of my hands gripping the side of the bedrail, with knuckes white as snow. She told me to lay down again so she could check me. "Already?!" I don't know if that was outloud or in my head. Apparently the baby's heartrate had dropped. I was unaware of this at the time. My midwife told me to flip to the left, then the right, then the left again. This seemed like an almost impossible task until she said, "it's for your baby!" Then I did it very quickly. She checked me and referring to the "station" position of the baby's head said, "3. . .2. . .1. . .crowing! Give me a glove! Give me a glove!" She only managed to get one glove on. and told me to push. I was astonished at the idea because I didn't feel like pushing yet. So, I started pushing. Then I really felt like pushing, so I gave it my best go. . .right when I was really into it at the end of that first push, She told me to stop! So, hesitantly, I did. I was later told that when I stopped pushing, she was unwrapping the cord from Caylee's neck. She told me to push one more time and I felt her whole body come out of me at once!!!

8:42 AM. Caylee Mae was on my stomach, skin to skin. All 6 pounds 14 oz of her. 18.5 inches long.

Crazy. Seriously, that is a really crazy memory for me. There was a wet, warm, screaming person on my stomach. Skin to skin. Cord still attached. It's what I had always wanted. What I invisioned. I was just so shocked by it all. My first thought was, "We just got here. . .Am I done already?" Then I thought, "Thank God Chris didn't take a shower." I just stared at her. She was so mad! The sound of my voice wouldn't make her stop crying, but it was precious. But it was loud! All I could think was, "Wow." They left the cord attached for a good 8 or 9 minutes. Chris cut the cord. My mom walked in the door before I delivered the placenta and I didn't tear! She's a natural nurser, too! She was nursing about 5 minutes after the cord was cut. Soon after that, my mother in law and father in law walked in the room with Joshua in tow. My blood wasn't clotting, so they had to give me tons of pitocin. . . they kept uping it because I was bleeding more than average. The pit made me feel sick and made me cramp really hard. It felt like the beginning of labor again. So, they had to give me two different shots of nasea medicine and two different pain killers before I was back in the bliss stage of just having a baby. So, when Joshua walked in, I was focused on not throwing up and breathing through the pain of the medicine. That's the only thing that really disappointed me. I didn't get to enjoy my kids meeting for the first time. I kind of saw his reaction. He didn't really want anything to do with her at first. Chris bribed him with new cars. Chris said, "you can have your new cars after you hold her. So, I'm going to post the picture of that. He had the Popeye face/Grand-dandy frown! I'll also post some happier pictures of the two of them. Before he held her for the first time, he looked over at me and I said Hi to him. Then he said a matter of factly, "My baby sister's here!" It was after that, that he asked for new cars. I told him that after Caylee was born, he would get new cars. So, I think he associated her birth with that. He's slowly warming up to her, now. My mom was visiting the other day and she was holding her. She was just about ready to go and Joshua told her, "You're not taking my baby sister." It took a couple days for Joshua to warm back up to me. He didn't want to hug me in the hospital. I bribed him with the bed. The adjustable bed that can close me up like a clam shell! It was fun. He jumped up and pushed all the buttons. I cuddled with him. . .he didn't know it, though. I had really missed my little boy! Last night, Joshua and I held hands while I nursed Caylee as he was watching a cartoon. He's adjusting.

So, my kids are like night and day when it comes to resemblance. JJ was born with bleach blonde hair . . .and not a lot of it. Caylee has thick dark hair. JJ had my feet and Caylee has Chris's! Caylee has my ears and Joshua had Chris's. He was a very soft crier. . .she can do an impression of a kitten, a baby eagle and a mouse. When she's not happy, there is no mistaking it. Joshua was a little bit more laid back and quiet. . .She's sweet, though. . .and a cuddler. Joshua just wanted Nah. She just want's Nah, but she'll let daddy cuddle with her as an alternative (at least for a few minutes of distraction!)

So, I'm still in a little bit of disbelief. We haven't reached her due date and yet, she's here. She wasn't waiting, either! It's a totally different experience to have a 1 hour 40 minute labor from start to finish vs. a 20 hour labor. I feel like our family is complete, now. It's a good feeling. Next goal. . .lose the baby weight! My little brother is getting married in two months! JJ will be the ring bearer. . .that's gonna be fun!

And time keeps ticking

NO motivation. Nesting is officially over. This happened with Joshua, too. I know what needs to get done, but I'd rather just not do it. Laundry is piling up again. I lete the kitchen go 2 days without cleaning it. Gross. For the last week I've said I was going to thoroughly clean my bathroom. Hasn't happened. I'm not even motivated to write. I'm forcing myself to do it right now because I know it makes me feel better. It's an outlet. When I just feel like saying something that isn't relevant or appropriate at the given moment, I can when I write. It's easier to write sometimes, than it is to tell Chris to put the TV on mute 10 times in a 5 minute period.



Random thought #1: At night, I get up and go to the bathroom every hour and a half to 2 hours. My blinds in the bathroom are open all the time. I'm not sure what constellation I look at every night, but, I look at it EVERY NIGHT. . .every 1 and a half to two hours. I should just go outside and figure it out one night. I bet it's Leo. Maybe I'll do that tonight. We'll see.



Random thought #2: My hands smell like playdough and I have bubbles in my hair.



Random thought #3: I'm tired of The Little Einsteins, but it lets me get stuff done. Ha. I'm not getting anything done right now. It is the background music to my wasting time right now.



Random thought #4: Joshua likes to pretend that his teddybear is a baby. We wrap it up and rock it. . .burp it and he puts it to bed in Caylee's crib. Cute, huh? Then, when he's all done, he throws it up in the air, and Chris doesn't fail to say, "But we don't throw babies. . ."



Random thought # 5: The bathroom could be half clean by now.



Random thought #6: "Linestines" are over now. . .should I put on Reading Rainbow, or "play markers"?



Random thought #7: Seriously no motivation. None.



Random thought #8: WHY IS IT ALREADY 90 DEGREES????!!!! It's the middle of April!!!!!!! My floor will never be clean again. Chris is going to get a baby pool. It will be a baby-doggie pool and mud and dirt like it better inside my house on my freshly mopped floor.



Random thought #9: I'm really not hesitating or thinking before I type any of these random thoughts. This is not a well thought out blog. I'm just venting what's inside this hormonal pregnant brain of mine.



Random thought #10: My midwife told me that if I haven't popped by 39 weeks, they would induce me if I wanted. I don't want to be induced again. It was a horrible experience. I really want my body to do this on it's own, but I don't want to go to 41 weeks. It's disheartening when an ultrasound technician tells you that your placenta is old and don't have any amniotic fluid left. What's wrong with my body? Why didn't Joshua come out by himself?????



Random thought #11: Irritated. Now, I just feel irritated. Enjoy the rest of your pregancy, people say. It will be my last, but who enjoys being kicked in the ribs every morning at 7 AM while a toddler is pulling covers off of the head saying, "Would you like break-tist? How 'bout waffles and eggs or oatmeal?" And peeing every hour is getting old. . .not to mention having to eat carefully to control my freakin' blood sugar. I have to make myself bleed 4 times a day to prove that I don't eat icecream and frenchfries with my vegetables. My belly is sitting on my lap. It's gross. It feels like a 15 pound basketball that I can't put down. And it gets in the way of my cuddle time with Joshua. Not to mention the fact that I run into things and open doors on my belly at least 5 times a day. Why can't I just get it through my head that I can't squeeze through tight spaces any more!



Random thought #12: I won't even be able to go swimming until July after I have the baby. That really, really blows.



Random thought #13: My pretty flowers that I put in my favorite latte mug are now dead. Staring at them makes me sad. I need to throw them out.



Random thought #14: I put on a different episode of The Little Einsteins. I feel like a horrible mother. TV is babysitting my child. I swore I would never let that happen. Chris has the car, so I can't go anywhere with him. I'm not taking a walk or going to the park when it's over 90 degrees. . .especially pregnant when I feel 10 degrees hotter than I really am. Irritated again.



Random thought #15: One more week until I'm officially full term, but that doesn't mean anything. What that means is I can hope for a week until I'm not pregnant anymore or I can face reality that it could be another 5. FIVE more weeks. That is an eternity.



Random thought #16: I sure am negative today.



Random thought #17: Not feeling better yet.



Random thought #18: When I was 18 years old, i felt so pretty. That's when I had the most confidence in my body. Now, my 2 year old son tells me that I'm pretty all the time. He doesn't know that my pregnant body is 10 times larger than my non-pregnant body. I showed him a picture of me when I was eighteen and I asked him who that was. He said, "I Don't Know. . ." He thinks pretty is a round stomach and a butt that counter balances it? I asked him what pretty means. . .he said as he demonstrated, "when you hug and love and when you're nice. . ." Then, I added, "and when you like the way someone looks on the outside, like the hair, eyes, smile, clothes. . .but it's also when you like them on the inside. . ." Chris thinks he does understand the physical aspect of it, though. Joshua points out girls on TV and says that they're pretty. He prefers blondes. I must just be pretty in a different way to him. In the better way. I think we should try to see life like the eyes of a child, more often. It's pretty mind blowing how shallow we adults can be.

Okay. . .random thought time is over. I started this blog at 11:00 AM and it's actually 11:00 PM right now. I should be in bed right now, but my brain won't stop chugging away. It's like a train that doesn't stay on track. It goes back and forth and back and forth. . .getting nowhere and not letting anyone cross the tracks. So, there's this long line of cars getting pissed off at the fact that the train is in the way. I would say that the cars symbolize life in general. . .sleep in this instance. I am tired. I'm just not.

So, let me tell you a story. Then, I'll go to bed. Chris brought home a baby pool today. Joshua decided he'd rather be in it naked than with a swimsuit on. I think he didn't understand the concept of it. They are shorts, right? So, after about a half an hour of play, I decided I might better tell him not to pee in the pool. So, he got out and with much concentration and a slight squat (it was really cute and funny) he peed a whole lot in the rocks. Then, I told him that I smelled doggie poo poo. I talk to him just to talk sometimes. It makes me feel like a human being. Then he went out into the rocks (bare in mind that he was completely naked) and I couldn't quite hear what he had said until it happened. He squatted down, legs together, like he was going to sit in a chair, only, this child didn't have a chair to sit in. It was incredible the strength that he had in his stomach to do this. His face turned red with clenched fists and then I heard it. I heard what he had said 10 seconds ago. "I'm going to poop like the doggie." And he did. Much as I tried, I couldn't stop laughing. Me and my big, jolly Santa Claus belly laughed all the way to the bathroom dragging my two year old with me to get him to finish pooping on the potty. I laughed so hard it made my stomach hurt. I told him that only doggies poo poo outside. I said, "Mommy, Daddy, Oma, Opa, Nanny, Pappy and even Katie and Emily ALL poo poo on the potty, so don't poo poo outside anymore, okay?" He said, "Okay. " Long, long pause, "But I want to go pee outside! May I please pee pee outside?!" And so the potty training begins. I'll let him pee outside anyday if it saves money on diapers. We're going to be buying twice as many in a few weeks, ya know.

Seriously, I'll go to bed, now.

grrrrrr...

"Mom?"

As Joshua yanks the covers off of my head, "Are you hiding?"

My brain whispers, "yes, leave me alone." The little angel on my right shoulder says, "Your sweet little two year old is hungry, needs a diaper change and needs attention." The little devil on my left shoulder says, "Sleep. . .you never get to sleep and are woken up by kicks from the inside, a bladder that fakes you out and a little boy who wants to cuddle in the middle of the night."

Joshua: "mama, get up!" Pulls the covers all the way off of me.

Chris has the remote. He looks at me like I'm doing something wrong.

"I'll get up in 5 minutes." Did I just say minutes or nimutes?

Devil: "It's Saturday, technically this should be your day off. Let your husband do it for once."

Angel: "Your husband is not a morning person and Joshua might not like his eggs."

Devil: " Your husband just glared at you and he went to sleep before you did last night and didn't get up with Joshua!"

Angel: "Come on, they're doing the Love Dare, where's the selfless attitude?"

Devil: "Seriously?"

Angel: "Seriously!!!!!"

Caylee: Kick. Jabb. STAB. KNEE!!

"Okay. I'm up!"


4/3/09

Joshua: Handing his new big boy cup to daddy says, "I got juice!"

I looked over. Chris looked over at me and raised his eyebrow. Then he smelled inside the cup. Laughing he said, "It would be funny, wouldn't it? Juice all over the floor. . ." Do you see what's coming? About a half an hour later, I went to the kitchen to wrap it up before bed. The refrigerator door was wide open. . . puddles of juice spilled down the racks and a huge sticky mess of juice all over the floor in front of it. The juice container was half empty and sitting on the table in the kitchen. He was serious as a heart attack. He got juice.

Don't read this if you're pregnant. I'm serious.

Seriously. WTF.

Sitting here drinking some tea with milk and honey in it, I'm starting to feel a little bit better.

This morning started off really pleasant. Well, kind of. Joshua came to our bedroom at 7:30 after sleeping through the night in his own room and threw a pillow in my face. I don't think he meant to. He just always brings something from his room to ours, puts it on our bed and climbs in. So, that immediatly woke me up. I looked at him, he handed me his (my) soft, pink blanket and said, "mama, will you help me go back to my bedroom?" I said, "No, you don't have to, it's already morning!" I fed the dog, got dressed, made breakfast and left Joshua in the company of his cousins for Chris to watch while I went to my OB Dr. appt. Happy that Joshua would get out all of his morning energy with Katie and Emily, I had a nice relaxing drive to my appointment. When I got there, I signed in and sat down to a Child Parent magazine. I opened it up and decided to read the first article that I saw because there was a picture of a drawn woman breastfeeding her child. I thought it would be something uplifting. Then, I started reading. My chest tightened, my heart started palpitating and I felt tears stinging my eyes as my stubborn hands wouldn't listen to my mind telling them to put the freaking magazine down. That word. That unforgetable word that pulsates in my mind envelopes my heart with grief that has never been my own. The definition of fear: "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger." Danger of what? My heart breaking into a million peices and my imagined life crumbling in my hands. In an OBGYN office, this magazine had an article about a mother's beautiful yet empty birth experience. Her little girl was stillborn. That word should be banned from a pregnant woman's vocabulary and accessablility. The cord that was wrapped around her neck and arm cut off circulation and her heart stopped beating immediatly after the mother's water broke. The breastfeeding picture was put in the article because of this phrase, "My milk came in and poured out like tears for my lost child." The title of the article did not lead on that anything tragic would be told. . .it was a nice title. I thought it was okay to read. Especially in an OB's office. I should have ripped the story out so that nobody else would come across it. Anyway, after I read about the booby tears my name was called and I got to be weighed (5 pounds by the way in one month--better than the 9 pounds I gained last month). Then I was left in an empty office to wait to listen to my baby's heartbeat. The midwife walked in and she said, "Are you okay? You look. . ." Then she drooped her shoulders and made a sad face. I said, "Yes. . ." and then in one sentence I told the story above and about 3 words into it I lost it. I cried. Uncontrolable tears. I don't know where they came from, I just knew my face was wet. So, she made me hop up on the table to listen to Caylee's heart and of course it sounded like a race horse galloping. I'm measuring at 31 weeks which is perfect and she checked me because of all the braxton hicks contractions I've been having and my cervix is long, thick and closed. Mind at ease, the tears stopped and my appointment was over. As I was driving home I realized something. Something that I almost don't want Caylee to know. I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant. My mind told me that I wasn't ready for another baby and that it wasn't good timing. I didn't want to be pregnant at the time. It's not that I didn't want another baby, it just wasn't my plan for that moment. It was God's, though. So, I endured the morning sickness and the emotional and physical growing pains. I felt like less of a mother to Joshua for a while because I physically felt good for nothing. I had no energy, no motivation, and my attitude was just always negative. Then, I started feeling the baby move. It made it more real to me, I guess, but it just wasn't enough to feel any kind of connection. I didn't know how to connect with something inside me that I hadn't met. I had Joshua and the love for him was so deep that I coudn't imagine having love for another person like that. Then, I found out it was a girl. That terrified me. What was I going to do with a girl? I don't know how to be a little girl's mommy. Then she started moving a lot more and I could almost imagine what her personality might be like. But, still. . .no connection. I tried to develop some kind of connection, but I was so tired from chasing Joshua around and trying to step up and be a better mother to him. . . not to mention be a better wife to Chris and attempt a clean house that I just didn't have time to try to feel something that didn't come naturally. I was starting to get worried. I knew that I would love my child no matter what, but I just wasn't looking forward to her arrival. I had so many anxieties. "What if something's wrong with her?" "What if I can't survive the first week with a 2 year old?" "What if something goes terribly wrong during the delivery?" All this BS that I read that happens to 1 percent of the population I imagined would happen to me. I had all these anxieties yet no connection with my baby. Mostly not a connection to the reality that I am going to have another baby. I told Chris this the other day and he said, "Deanna. You have a person inside of you." That got my mind going, but it wasn't until today that it actually hit me. Today at 3 days shy of 8 months pregnant, I have come to the realization that I REALLY WANT THIS BABY. I want to hold my baby. . .cuddle with her. I want to stare into her eyes and then watch her sleep. I can't wait until she latches on for the first time to breastfeed. I want to be her mommy. Now, it's not merely something that's happening to me. I want it. I want her. I'm ready for my family to grow. So, maybe, I was meant to read that article. It was heartwrenching, but it made me realize that me not being in control can sometimes be a good thing. My midwife assured me that the whole stillbirth thing is very, very, very rare. I just need to be more optimistic. I seem to lean more towards the glass being half empty most of the time. Lately, I've been looking for things to look forward to in attempt to get myself out of this lull that I've been in. A good friend of mine told me yesterday, "I don't want to sound like I'm coming down on you, but you need to look forward to every day. . .I mean, come on. . ." I needed to hear that. She's right. So, that's my goal right now. I'm not going to look so far ahead to the future or worry about things I can't control. I'm going to put my energy into enjoying everything, and every day of my life. I can't be a light for Jesus if I'm always blowing out my own flame.

busy busy busy busy

Today, I've managed to clean the bathroom, make breakfast, visit with a friend, take a walk, mop the floor, cut up a cantalope, banana and strawberries for snack, have some peppermint tea, read Joshua 4 books, put him down for a nap, put lunch in the oven and pay all the bills for March before 1:30 PM. That's a lot for me. I still need to clean the kitchen, fit in a shower, take Joshua to the park (because I promised him I would) and make dinner before our new 8:30 bedtime routine of eating yogurt, reading stories, singing songs and cuddling to sleep.

That being said, I think I'll take a 5 minute "do nothing" break and stop wasting time on the computer.

Oh no. . .

Yesterday, Joshua was watching something on TV and asked who a character on the show was. I said, "that's her mommy." His eyes widened as he gently touched my arm and said, "This is my mommy. . ." I said, "That's right. . .and when your baby sister comes out, I'm going to be her mommy too. I am going to be Joshua's mommy and Caylee's mommy." I smiled and rubbed his back. I then continued my explaination wanting him to really hear what I was saying, "So, that means that you are going to share your mommy with Caylee." He cocked his head to the side and stared off into the distance in deep concentration. As I tell you this next part, remember, JJ just weaned a few months ago and I do take baths with him and change in front of him. I was wearing a nursing bra that I bought when I was first nursing Joshua so that I could decide if I would need a new one this time. You know, size and comfort and durability kind of thing. It has a snap and it came undone as I was talking to him. So, I lifted up my shirt and fixed it. I decided that this was a good time to remind him again that the baby would have Nah all the time since he would be witnessing this in the coming months. After I said this to him, his eyes got even wider, he smacked his lips as his mouth watered and he said, "And I can share!!" it made me giggle and I explained to him again that Nah is for babies and that he's a big boy and doesn't need it anymore. I gave him a hug and he changed the subject. If Joshua does get curious when I'm nursing Caylee, I have decided that it's okay for him to taste it in a cup. Judge me if you want to, but that's what my mom did to me. Mom, if you're reading this, this is a memory that has stuck in my head. I was four 1/2 years old when my brother Bradley was born. Mom was nursing him and I asked what she was doing. I must have looked really curious because she explained it and then asked if I wanted to taste it in a cup. Now, the difference between me and joshua is I didn't remember what nursing was, JJ will. But, I quickly refused and that was the end of my curiosity. I'm not sure if JJ will respond the way I did, but I do know that breastmilk for newborns has a different taste and consistancy than milk for almost 2 year olds (the age Joshua was when he quit nursing). So, my hope is that he just won't like it.

JJ's Nah. . .

Deanna=very emotional person.
Deanna pregnant=very emotional person times 100.

Chris just brought be some peppermint tea. He knows that hot tea is my favorite way to relax and is sometimes better than a warm hug that will only make me cry harder. He is very sweet. He gets me and I love that about him.

When Joshua became a part of our family, he became a part of who we are. It's like watching a little spawn of us both walking around, developing his own personality. He is so much like both of us. He's ornery, like Chris and emotional, like me. He is considerate of other people's feelings and he needs to feel accepted. He acts older than he is, and I constantly need to remind myself that he's only two.

Let me say, that sometimes I feel guilty for being pregnant. I got pregnant when he was 18 months old. The first 3 months I was sick constantly. I had no energy what-so-ever and I was irritable as all get out. After I started feeling better, I thought really hard about weaning him. My late nurser still needed it for emotional comfort and he was really attached to his Nah. And let me tell anyone who stumbles across this blog that disagrees with "extended nursing" My little boy missed flu season this year and he's never had an ear infection. That's one thing that I just don't understand. How is formula so widely accepted (granted some mothers actually do have a physical problem with the milk coming in) yet mothers who choose to breastfeed past age one are frowned upon? I'll just be candid. It really bothers me when people say they stopped breastfeeding because they were cracked and bleeding and it was just too painful and stressful. I cracked and bled. . .yes real yucky scabby blood for 3 weeks straight and it was never quite comfortable to breasfeed for about 3 months, yet I was stubborn enough to continue it. Then I worked full time for 9 months of my son's life and I pumped 3 times a day. Did I mention I pumped in my car when it was over 100 degrees outside and my lunch break was only 30 minutes. I was fortunate enough to get enough milk out to not have to supplement with formula. He was exclusively breastfed for 7 months. It was not easy. Maybe JJ gets some of his hardheadedness from me. And it drives me crazy that when our kids turn a year old doctors tell us that our babies need milk from a cow. Like I said. I just don't get it. Did you know that children that are nursed past a year score higher on IQ tests. Yes, I'm going to brag for a second. Joshua can sing his abc's without missing any letters (that includes l, m, n, o, and p) and he could count to 10 before he turned two. He sings at least 7 very long songs word for word. His vocabulary is insane! He scares me. I feel like someday, he's going to be smarter than me. He's very loving and considerate of how other people feel. And at two years old, when he's supposed to, as the books say, play side by side with other children his age, instead he tries to play with them. Call me a hippie, but I do believe that this is because of my ever so powerful Nah. Nah, by the way is a word that he came up with for it, and it just stuck. Sorry, I got a little off tangent. When I was 4 months pregnant, I decided to make JJ go cold turkey. This was just before he turned two. I told him, "Nah is empty now. You drank it all. It's all gone." He used to nurse before bed and at naptime. . .by this time I had finally night weaned him. So, let me tell you, I haven't had a full 8 hours sleep since I was pregnant with him. Anyway, it was a hard week. The second day, he asked for Nah and when I told him it was empty, he threw his head down on my chest to cry helplessly at the death of his precious bond to me. After about a week, he still asked for it, but instead of crying, he just sighed and let me rock him. He came to bed with us about two hours into the night and he slept through the night for a while. Remember, I said HE slept through then night. Not me!! I didn't want to deny him sleeping with us since I took away his Nah. Then, as my stomach started taking over the bed I got tired of his absent minded sleep kicks. . .tired of sleeping on my right side after getting smart and turning over. . .and tired of having about 12 inches of my KING size bed to work with just so I could wake up every 30 minutes to push him back to the middle of the bed. I finally wised up and started putting him back in his own bed. It's taken about two weeks (yes this was just recently), but now he only gets up once a night. Since I'm already awake when he comes in the room, Chris doesn't wake up, and I'm ready to walk him to his room and lay down with him. And this is what happens. My eyes are already open, I see him walk into my room and before he gets to the bed, I am already up. He turns around and without speaking one word or touching me, he walks back to his room with me following. He gets into his bed and curls up, closes his eyes and hugs my neck as I lay down with him. He falls asleep within 2 minutes. I know it needed to happen. I knew he would eventually stop nursing, but I always said that I was going to let him self wean. And, it was happening VERY SLOWLY. . .but then I got pregnant and that sped up the process. It became something that I took from him instead of something that he didn't need anymore. And I know he didn't really need it, but do you know what it's like to have such an emotional bond to your child like that? Nobody else could ever give him what I was giving him. It was precious. It was love. . .we have since then learned how to bond in other ways. Now, we have story time, singing time and cuddle time before bed. He also likes to sit with me more often just to be close. I do miss him sleeping with us, too. I know there's a lot of parents out there who say, no way, no how to kids sleeping in thier bed. But, Chris and I both enjoyed it. Joshua was a little cuddle bug when he slept with us. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But, being pregnant and sleeping with a toddler is nearly impossible. I also wanted to get him used to being in his own room and own bed before the baby comes. I'm not keen on the idea of a crying baby waking him up and then having a cranky toddler and tired mom in the morning. So, that was the reason we kicked him out of our bed. I just miss him, sometimes. And, I know how old he is. . .and how big he is, but I miss my baby boy and his nah. I'll never have that again with him. I will with my little girl, but it will be a different experience. I know I'll enjoy it and it will be something special between us, but I'll never forget my boy and his Nah.

That's why I ended up with a wet face as I left Joshua's room tonight. Before bed, Joshua touched my eyebrows, and said, "Your eybrows are soft." Then he touched my eyes and said, "I like your eyes because your eyes are soft." Then he rubbed my cheek and said, "Your cheek is soft." then, "your neck is soft, too." Then he caught be off guard and gently touched my chest just where my skin shows below my neck and said, "And your Nah is soft." Then he told me, "when the baby comes out, the baby will have nah all the time." I said, "yes, because Nah is for babies. When you were a baby, you had Nah all the time, too. But now you're a big boy so you don't need it." He looked down in a blank stare and then his little eyebrows turned down in sadness. I said, "but, you can still have hugs and kisses and cuddles!" And he hugged me. He said, "I'm getting tired now." I smiled, with tears in my heart that I didn't want him to see. Then, he said, "Can I get some lovin's". And I held him until he fell asleep. Now my face is wet again. See what pregnancy does to me? I'd probably feel the same way if I wasn't pregnant, just 100 times better. I love my little boy and in reality, I know I didn't really take Nah away from him. It was probably time. I just miss that ever so trusting gaze, and the love pats. But that void has been filled with cuddles, and lovin's. . .and kisses. He's learned how to kiss with the sound. It's wet, loud and cute! I just know that his life is going to change when Caylee is born. I think I'm just hesitant about the inevitable. I'm a little bit scared. But, I know it will be a good change as Chris says. He says that I'm an "incredible mother" with one and that I will be even better with two. I just have to believe that, I guess. For now, I wait. As I wait for life to happen (literally), I'm trying to focus on living in the moment. I'll never get these moments back, so I might as well enjoy them.