Music and little squeaky voices explode from my TV filling up the air with sound. The whir of the fan is keeping my 3 month old asleep with it's welcoming white noise. Yet all I hear is quiet. My son is watching TV and my rambunctious 2 year old is occupied with construction paper and markers. I'm sure I'll find a beautiful array of colors on the tile, later, or a pretty picture that she is so proud of on a wall somewhere... but for now, I am enjoying the Peace. My coffee is luke warm...scratch that, it's cold again but I refuse to warm it up for the 5th time today. Breathe....feel the air move into my lungs and then out...my head is impossible to fully clear. "Be still and KNOW that I am GOD." In the noise of my life, I can attempt that and almost succeed for a split second. And then my son walks in the door and stands on the chair next to me and says, "Mommy, I'm still hungry". Caylee runs into the room and screams, "that's my chair!" And so it goes...all day long especially if I try to get any time by myself. Ten minutes later, I'm sitting in this chair again trying to organize some adult thoughts in writing. Caylee is sitting next to me with a calendar saying, "it's a moo, it's a moo!!" about the picture of the cow on the top of the page. I didn't get to use the one coupon on the Chick Fil A calendar that I had waited for all year...the grilled chicken salad. Chris had the car all month for work. I guess I could have gone over the weekend, but getting 3 kids into the car and going anywhere is a HUGE job!!! Now as I type I am being hugged by my two year old who wants a drink of my coffee...oh, she switched gears. She sees the playdough and even though nobody is competing for it is yelling, "my playdough, my playdough!!!" In a screachy whiney voice. Scratch that! all is well again. I just got a wet sloppy kiss on my forehead and shes sitting behind me on my rolling office chair talking quietly to herself. Nope, I was wrong, she's whining about something now. Not. Very. Quietly. Can i type and read a book at the same time? My thoughts right now: "It's an orange kitty cat, not red, orange. " Caylee, "READ DA DORY, HERE MOMMY, READ DA DORY!!!!" Me, "please use your nice happy voice =)" Caylee with a happy sing song up the scale inflection, "May I read da dory???" She gave up and is counting pennies sitting in my lap. How is typing physically possible right now. Why must I persist? I just have so much on my mind and never an outlet to release it all! Yesterday, I put Addison safely in the pack n play to attempt a 2 minute, by myself, bathroom break. When I returned, I caught Caylee's arm just in time as it was hovering over Addison's head with a full glass of water in hand. She was very sweetly saying, "open your mouth," Really? I can't leave the room for just a minute. Most of the time I just take the baby to the bathroom with me, but I just needed a minute. With 3 children 4 and under, I'm not entitled to a minute. Always on my feet, constantly doing something for someone. "MOM!!! I'm ready!!!!!!!!! " Calls my 4 year old. When does a child learn to wipe? Potty training a two year old is so much more than I could have ever imagined. I get the poo poo play by play every day. She has to look directly into my eyes as she pushes just barely managing an audible voice to say, "it's coming out..." face red and scrunched up from the work. *deep breath sigh* And don't get me started on grocery store trips. The kids love the "cart with the car". I took Caylee and Addison with me the other day. Caylee is the work of 3 kids by herself. The buckle is there for a reason. I stopped and talked to a friend and assumed that Caylee was sitting patiently holding the little steering wheel to this big rig I was driving around the grocery store *thoughts interupted as Caylee is pushing a baby doll into my chest saying, "sing a lulluby...sing a lulluby." HOLD ON....Lullabye, and goodnight..."no mommy, rock a bye, rock a bye." Okay. "rock-a bye baby in the treetop...when the wind blows the cradle will rock...when the bow breaks, the cradle will fall... Another 15 minute break from writing this to put the baby back to sleep *pause* Had to run back to the room to stop Caylee from waking her up again....now she's back in here sitting next to me again whining. This is why I don't blog anymore. *laughing to myself* I hate leaving things undone, but I'll have to finish blogging later. Off to make strawberry banana muffins with little hands and turn off the TV. Maybe I can get the kids to Zumba with me today.

5 hours later...where was I?? Oh yeah. Back to my story: So, I was talking to my friend in the store and I thought Caylee was sitting in her seat. Glanced over at the movement at my eye level and realized that she was climbing on top of the car trying to get into the cart. Well, I grabbed her, put her in the cart and ended my conversation. Ahhhh, an adult conversation in the middle of my day!!!! Thank you Missy. Anyway, I decided that the kids (Addison was strapped to me) had had enough of the store even though I hadn't finished shopping, so I was on my way to the checkout. Oh wait, JUICE!! Forgot juice. "there's some on the end of the isle, perfect!" Picked up the juice, put it in the cart where my daughter was sitting and gazed down at my precious little girl who was very contently eating a plump, ripe strawberry. The rest of the berries were strewn across the bottom of the cart. So, I laughed. What else can a mom do, sometimes. Laughter. It is healing...it's better to not take things so seriously, I think.

I found my diary from 6 years ago one night when I was cleaning. Life was so different then. I had "secretly" wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I quote, "but that's never going to happen!" We didn't have kids yet, but that was my dream. I also wasn't sure I would even be able to have children. My biggest quam with life was that I didn't get to be selfish with money because I was the only one bringing in income. Chris was between jobs...I was sad, in one entry, that I didn't get go spend money on things that would make me feel special. A pedicure...getting my hair done...perfume. Funny how things change. I AM a stay at home mom. I am raising 3 beautiful children getting paid with healing, precious hugs, sloppy kisses and love that I never could have imagined those short 6 years ago. Looking into the eyes of each of my children is such an amazing feeling. For that moment, nothing else matters and everything is perfect. In those moments I'm richer than anyone else in the world. Today, I finally did get a little quiet. My youngest was cooing at me and the other two children were sleeping. I was finally able to be still, and in starting into the eyes of my child I was humbled by the fact that God would allow that moment to happen. What are your priorities? Every day, I'm discovering that the more I plan to check off on my to do list, the less I get done. I feel the most accomplished when my kids get the care that they need from me and when I have to choose the dishwater rag to spot clean the floor instead of the mop. At least the piles of clean laundry that still need folded are clean. . .and the toilet gets cleaned every day because my 4 year old is still learning how to aim...and don't get me started on blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah...blah. Anyway, I'm trying to model faith to my kids. That's kind of hard to do when I don't put God first. What are my priorities? At the moment, I'm trying to reorganize them. Intentional living. What a concept!