Today I had the "pleasure" of taking only one of my sweet children with me to run errands. As I was leaving the checkout of the last store, (in a rush to get home to my husband who was ready for a break) I noticed that my little 8 month old daughter had dropped her bottle. It had rolled about 15 feet in front of us next to a lady who had been quietly talking with her eyes across the room to my baby. I hadn't noticed it until then...she looked to be in her late 60's maybe early 70's. Her almost curly frizzy hair was salt and pepper gray and to her shoulders. She was slightly slumped over and her appearance made me a little uncomfortable. I caught myself stepping back a little after our eyes locked. As she pointed to my little girl, she softly laughed, "she looked like she was trying to climb right out and go get it." Referring to the bottle that had rolled over to her. I said, "She probably was...she has a brother and sister at home, so she's always trying to do what they do!" She mentioned that I didn't look old enough to have 3 kids and then said, "I guess that's how I would have looked." Her eyes puddled with tears but nothing fell out. Then she gazed so longingly at my child. I felt protective, yet responsible to do something...to say something. I filled the air with noise, "you don't have children?" I asked. She said, "No..." and then looked as if she would cry. So, I told her I was going to hug her against all that is in my germaphobic little body. And I did. I hugged her. That's all I could think of...she thanked me for letting her talk to my baby and I walked away. As I was driving home my heart was literally heavy with emotion. I couldn't put my emotion into words and then I realized that it must have been a God thing. He was pulling on my soul with this experience. I just hope that that woman runs across someone who will do a better job than I did. I pray that she gets the comfort and the peace that she needs. I want her to have that complete feeling that only God can give her. Those important words aside, If there are any mothers out there reading this, please, enjoy your children and treat them as if they are a gift, because they are. Some people don't have the luxury of a little hand tugging on their shirt just needing to be picked up and cuddled. I find myself pushing those needs from my children aside promising that I'll do it in a few minutes (while I wash the dishes or fold the clothes---or deal with bills). Take advantage of right now. Love at my fingertips...little hearts that are more important than a to do list. There are some people out there that will never experience the love of a child. People that have longed for it all of their lives that will never get the chance that we do.

Music and little squeaky voices explode from my TV filling up the air with sound. The whir of the fan is keeping my 3 month old asleep with it's welcoming white noise. Yet all I hear is quiet. My son is watching TV and my rambunctious 2 year old is occupied with construction paper and markers. I'm sure I'll find a beautiful array of colors on the tile, later, or a pretty picture that she is so proud of on a wall somewhere... but for now, I am enjoying the Peace. My coffee is luke warm...scratch that, it's cold again but I refuse to warm it up for the 5th time today. Breathe....feel the air move into my lungs and then out...my head is impossible to fully clear. "Be still and KNOW that I am GOD." In the noise of my life, I can attempt that and almost succeed for a split second. And then my son walks in the door and stands on the chair next to me and says, "Mommy, I'm still hungry". Caylee runs into the room and screams, "that's my chair!" And so it goes...all day long especially if I try to get any time by myself. Ten minutes later, I'm sitting in this chair again trying to organize some adult thoughts in writing. Caylee is sitting next to me with a calendar saying, "it's a moo, it's a moo!!" about the picture of the cow on the top of the page. I didn't get to use the one coupon on the Chick Fil A calendar that I had waited for all year...the grilled chicken salad. Chris had the car all month for work. I guess I could have gone over the weekend, but getting 3 kids into the car and going anywhere is a HUGE job!!! Now as I type I am being hugged by my two year old who wants a drink of my coffee...oh, she switched gears. She sees the playdough and even though nobody is competing for it is yelling, "my playdough, my playdough!!!" In a screachy whiney voice. Scratch that! all is well again. I just got a wet sloppy kiss on my forehead and shes sitting behind me on my rolling office chair talking quietly to herself. Nope, I was wrong, she's whining about something now. Not. Very. Quietly. Can i type and read a book at the same time? My thoughts right now: "It's an orange kitty cat, not red, orange. " Caylee, "READ DA DORY, HERE MOMMY, READ DA DORY!!!!" Me, "please use your nice happy voice =)" Caylee with a happy sing song up the scale inflection, "May I read da dory???" She gave up and is counting pennies sitting in my lap. How is typing physically possible right now. Why must I persist? I just have so much on my mind and never an outlet to release it all! Yesterday, I put Addison safely in the pack n play to attempt a 2 minute, by myself, bathroom break. When I returned, I caught Caylee's arm just in time as it was hovering over Addison's head with a full glass of water in hand. She was very sweetly saying, "open your mouth," Really? I can't leave the room for just a minute. Most of the time I just take the baby to the bathroom with me, but I just needed a minute. With 3 children 4 and under, I'm not entitled to a minute. Always on my feet, constantly doing something for someone. "MOM!!! I'm ready!!!!!!!!! " Calls my 4 year old. When does a child learn to wipe? Potty training a two year old is so much more than I could have ever imagined. I get the poo poo play by play every day. She has to look directly into my eyes as she pushes just barely managing an audible voice to say, "it's coming out..." face red and scrunched up from the work. *deep breath sigh* And don't get me started on grocery store trips. The kids love the "cart with the car". I took Caylee and Addison with me the other day. Caylee is the work of 3 kids by herself. The buckle is there for a reason. I stopped and talked to a friend and assumed that Caylee was sitting patiently holding the little steering wheel to this big rig I was driving around the grocery store *thoughts interupted as Caylee is pushing a baby doll into my chest saying, "sing a lulluby...sing a lulluby." HOLD ON....Lullabye, and goodnight..."no mommy, rock a bye, rock a bye." Okay. "rock-a bye baby in the treetop...when the wind blows the cradle will rock...when the bow breaks, the cradle will fall... Another 15 minute break from writing this to put the baby back to sleep *pause* Had to run back to the room to stop Caylee from waking her up again....now she's back in here sitting next to me again whining. This is why I don't blog anymore. *laughing to myself* I hate leaving things undone, but I'll have to finish blogging later. Off to make strawberry banana muffins with little hands and turn off the TV. Maybe I can get the kids to Zumba with me today.

5 hours later...where was I?? Oh yeah. Back to my story: So, I was talking to my friend in the store and I thought Caylee was sitting in her seat. Glanced over at the movement at my eye level and realized that she was climbing on top of the car trying to get into the cart. Well, I grabbed her, put her in the cart and ended my conversation. Ahhhh, an adult conversation in the middle of my day!!!! Thank you Missy. Anyway, I decided that the kids (Addison was strapped to me) had had enough of the store even though I hadn't finished shopping, so I was on my way to the checkout. Oh wait, JUICE!! Forgot juice. "there's some on the end of the isle, perfect!" Picked up the juice, put it in the cart where my daughter was sitting and gazed down at my precious little girl who was very contently eating a plump, ripe strawberry. The rest of the berries were strewn across the bottom of the cart. So, I laughed. What else can a mom do, sometimes. Laughter. It is healing...it's better to not take things so seriously, I think.

I found my diary from 6 years ago one night when I was cleaning. Life was so different then. I had "secretly" wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I quote, "but that's never going to happen!" We didn't have kids yet, but that was my dream. I also wasn't sure I would even be able to have children. My biggest quam with life was that I didn't get to be selfish with money because I was the only one bringing in income. Chris was between jobs...I was sad, in one entry, that I didn't get go spend money on things that would make me feel special. A pedicure...getting my hair done...perfume. Funny how things change. I AM a stay at home mom. I am raising 3 beautiful children getting paid with healing, precious hugs, sloppy kisses and love that I never could have imagined those short 6 years ago. Looking into the eyes of each of my children is such an amazing feeling. For that moment, nothing else matters and everything is perfect. In those moments I'm richer than anyone else in the world. Today, I finally did get a little quiet. My youngest was cooing at me and the other two children were sleeping. I was finally able to be still, and in starting into the eyes of my child I was humbled by the fact that God would allow that moment to happen. What are your priorities? Every day, I'm discovering that the more I plan to check off on my to do list, the less I get done. I feel the most accomplished when my kids get the care that they need from me and when I have to choose the dishwater rag to spot clean the floor instead of the mop. At least the piles of clean laundry that still need folded are clean. . .and the toilet gets cleaned every day because my 4 year old is still learning how to aim...and don't get me started on blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah...blah. Anyway, I'm trying to model faith to my kids. That's kind of hard to do when I don't put God first. What are my priorities? At the moment, I'm trying to reorganize them. Intentional living. What a concept!

Addison Grace

3:00 AM February 28th 2011: Caylee woke up crying...this is not unusual at all. She hasn't slept through the night for approximately two weeks before Christmas and since then, has been waking up at least 1 to 3 times a night again. So, in doing my motherly duty of soothing her back to sleep, I started with the braxton hicks contractions again. As I sit next to Caylee's bed staring at her wide eyes, she was quietly looking around as if something were different. She would close her eyes a few times and sense my presence fading out of her room and call me back. I laid my hand gently on her belly like I do every night when she wakes up. Normally she goes back to sleep within 2 minutes, but this night it wasn't working! I knew I'd been in there for at least 30 minutes and within that time I felt like my Braxton Hicks contractions might have been following some kind of pattern. They were not any more intense than they usually were, but the fact that they didn't change when I changed my position made me sweat. So, I decided to take Caylee back to bed with me so that I could keep an eye on the clock.

3:30 AM: I laid Caylee down inbetween my husband and I and she clung to me like a little monkey. This was unusual because the past week, she had played favorites with Chris. She had been his little sidekick and she wanted daddy for everything. I grabbed my phone as another contraction hit and I found the stopwatch. Pretty convenient! Pushed the start button as I tried to pry Caylee off of me and I calmly told my husband that I had been having mild contractions and I was going to time them to see if they were real or not. His eyes popped open and he tried to take Caylee from me but she would have nothing to do with him! So, I calmly rubbed her belly and soothed her with my words wondering if it would be the last time she would be my only daughter. I kissed her face and she just gazed into my eyes as the glow of the stopwatch on the phone softly illuminated her precious little face. I was so calm that I convinced myself that this must be a false alarm ...7 minutes is a long break for me during labor, so denial was inevitable. But 7 minutes passed again and another contraction set deep into my back suddenly grabbed my focus and set off an immediate feeling of anxiety. So, I frantically told my husband to take Caylee regardless of her tears and I went to the bathroom to see if that would stop the contractions. I took my cell phone in with me and called my mom as I sat down.

3:42: One ring..."hello?" my mom said in an almost confused and very crackly voice. "Mom. I'm having contractions 7 to 10 minutes apart. I don't know if it's real labor yet, but will you please just come sleep on my couch just in case? If it's not real, I'm sorry. I just don't know yet."

I immediatly called the birth center which has an answering service have a midwife call back. It took about 15 minutes to get a call back and during that 15 minutes the contractions went from 7 to 3 to 4 minutes apart right away. The midwife finally called and I explained that my contractions didn't feel much more intense than the braxton hicks I had been experiencing for the last 2 months. They were only lasting for 30 seconds and they were mostly in my back and lower abdomen. She told me it was up to me and I could come get checked if it made me more comfortable. We then mutually decided that it was better to be safe than sorry since my last labor start to finish was only an hour and 40 minutes long! I told her I'd be there in 25 minutes or so after my mom got there to watch stay with the kids.

For about 10 minutes after I got off the phone with the midwife, I walked around the house still wondering if labor was real or not. The consistency of intervals insisted that it was, but I still wasn't sure. The contractions did seem to get stronger in intensity, but this just couldn't be it. My water hadn't broken yet and I was calm. My husband was anything but calm, though. He kept insisting that I was leading this and that if I thought we should go NOW we could call the neighbor to wait at the house with the kids until my mom arrived. He had already started the car. I hadn't even found my shoes, yet! I told him that everything was under control and that we could wait for my mom. "If this really is labor, it's just early labor. There's no way I'm in active labor yet, so calm down!" I told him with a smile. He was still holding Caylee and she was just quiet as can be with what looked like a smirk on her face. It was like she thought she was getting away with something by being up at almost 4 AM. Chris gave her to me and told me that I'd better give her some love because he was convinced that this labor was real and we'd be coming home with a baby. So, he went outside to turn the car off as we waited for my mom and I hugged on my little girl. As he walked back in 3 minutes later, I had been watching the stop watch and anticipating another contraction. I handed Caylee off to him just as I experienced another contraction. My mom walked in 30 seconds behind him and we said our goodbyes. I still wasn't sure I was in real labor yet. It was nice to be having breaks between contractions and I actually felt really good! I remember walking slowly to the car taking in the calm air of our neighborhood. I took a deep breath as I enjoyed the quietness of the night and opened the car door to another contraction. "hmmmmmmm....." I thought. And that was it. My husband drove alot slower this time, but every time I had a contraction, he seemed to speed up again. I remember asking him to slow down and telling him that it wasn't as frantic this time. I felt like everything was under control and was sure there was still a possiblity of being sent home after being checked. After 15 minutes of driving, the contractions started to intensify. I remember enjoying listening to Britney Spears sing, "Would You Hold it Against me?" The music was loud and there were no cars on the road but ours. It was just us, the music and the city lights. When we were almost to the hospital, Black Eyed Peas came on. I don't know what the song was, but Chris was singing it in his falsetto voice and I couldn't consentrate on my contractions as he was blasting his voice! So, I told him to Shut up. This is not a phrase that I ever use, especially on my husband, so later, I felt bad for it! He responded by asking me if I still didn't believe I was in labor. As we pulled into the hospital parking lot he asked me if I regretted telling him not to speed. He asked me if I wanted him to park or pull up to the hospital. I couldn't answer through my intense contraction and he pulled up, went inside and grabbed a wheel chair and told me to sit down in it. I told him I could walk and he told me no. We wheeled up to the front desk and he tried to check me in, but the old guy doing the checking in told him that I had to do it. My husband was outwardly annoyed by that and sarcastically said, "really?". Then the guy told him that he could wheel me in the check office if he wanted to. I stood up and walked in myself. The lady at the desk seemed unconcerned that I was in labor and slowly asked me my insurance info, my name, my address and phone #. Between contractions as I held on to her desk to breath through them, I answered with squinted eyes. I could barely consentrate on standing up, much less answering questions! As I was doing this, Chris was moving our car. When he got back inside, he wheeled me to an exam room where the midwife helped me undress, hooked a monitor up to me and checked my progress. Before she checked me, I told her that I still wondered if I was overreacting. As she checked me she laughed as she told me that I was 100 percent effaced and 6 centimeters dilated! So, I laughed as I realized that my husband was right. I was finally glad that we had left for the hospital when we did. I wondered how long I had been in active labor.

I focused on moaning through my contractions with relaxed hands, eyes closed and head down in a sitting position on the bed as my husband and the midwife talked about our first child's birth. My husband fanned me with a bedpan while I contracted and he told the midwife how during my first labor people in the room took turns fanning me with magazines while wearing jackets. I opened my eyes briefly to see a bedpan coming at me at 50 mph! And asked my husband (probably not so nicely) to fan me farther away from my face! That prompted a chuckle from the midwife and my husband. Seriously, was this really happening? We were finally taken to a labor and delivery room. I stopped to hold on to the wall a couple times during that short walk and I heard another woman in labor. She was screaming. This is when I think I started to freak out a little bit. My husband later told me that he heard the lady say she thought she was going to throw up and he made sure the midwife new that I was to be nowhere near that woman or I wouldn't do well at all. We arrived at the room and I remember the nurse telling me to lay down so she could hook me up to the moniters. I told her I didn't want to lay down and I stood up instead for a few minutes. I sat down to be checked again and was at 8 centimeters. I remembered outloud that it took me two contractions to get from 8 to 10 last time and I started to feel out of control of my emotions again. I mentioned that I was scared and I didn't know why... I really feel like the midwife lost me at this point. Instead of talking me through from the beginning of the contraction on, she would pick up about the middle when I was feeling like I wasn't in control and then start talking me through it. My husband thought she might have been out of her element being at the hospital. All I know is I needed a little more coaching and nobody was doing it. I frantically asked for ice. I remember grabbing a handful of ice and shoveling in down my hospital gown in the back and the front. The midwife got me a wet washcloth and that didn't do much. So, Chris started taking over a little...i don't remember what he told me, but it helped...and then he did something that would have shocked even a fly on the wall. He took the ice bucket and poured it on my head!!!!! It was love. It was perfect. I'm sure it was hilarious, too!!! About 3 contractions after sitting down I thought I might need to push and I mentioned this as best I could to everyone as I also yelled that I didn't want to do it anymore. The midwife told me to look at her in the eyes and she said that I was almost there. I knew I was almost there 3 contractions ago, but I felt like nobody was listening to me. All the while there was a nurse trying to get a heplock in my arm! Let me reiterate. She was sticking a needle into my arm that was causing just as much pain as the contractions. The pains were contradicting each other and I was getting angry. She couldn't find my vein. So, she pulled the needle out and held guaze on my unnecessary would until another nurse came in and put a heplock into my other hand. I was about 10 centimeters at this point telling people that I thought I needed to push. I remember telling the other nurse to stop and squeezing her hand through a contraction to make her listen to me. Finally, my husband and the midwife almost silmultaneously told me that if I felt like I had to push, that I could try it. So, I pushed every so slightly and felt relief with the next contraction. She checked me and confirmed that I was at 10 and told me to push again. My water spontaneously broke with this next push, so imagine a gush of water followed immediatly by a head and a body with one long push! I was in shock. There was a baby in my arms. A soft, warm little body just came out of me and I was holding it and kissing it's head. Someone called out that she was indeed a girl and her cries were just beautiful. They were not angry cries like Caylee's...they were more subdued, but almost confused, like, "Why did you bring me into this cold air out of that warm comfy place I want to be in?" My husband cut the cord after it stopped pulsing and I put her right to the breast to nurse. She was an angel. I always wondered if it were possible to love a baby right from the first moment I laid eyes on it. It took a litte more time with my previous two children, but this time, it was love at first sight. She was born at 5:42 AM. And to think, just an hour before I still wasn't sure I was in labor. Here's the kicker...a couple of nights before I went into labor, I was feeling anxiety about how short the labor could be, so I gave it to God. And I actually in all seriousness asked him to please give me more time than with Caylee. I told him that I needed a little heads up first and that I would appreciate at least 3 hours. He gave me 2 hours and 45 minutes. This makes me laugh and thank God for hearing me. I asked...I believed that he would give me what I asked for and HE DID!!