Alone

Sitting on the back porch at my mom's house I could faintly hear the excitment in my two year old's voice inside as they played on the computer watching videos on You Tube. My 1 month old little girl was inside peacefully sleeping. . .it's about the only time that she's peaceful. I needed to be alone. It was dark outside except for the glow of the lights coming from the back door from inside the house. So, I lit my candle. Yep, I brought a candle from home just for a moment like this. I feel like a dork. But, it set a nice mood for me. It was Vanilla scented. I looked at the stars. It's been a long time since I'd looked at the stars. I remember looking at the stars all the time while I was a teenager, mostly with whatever boy I was "dating" at the time. Geez. . .some of those relationships lasted maybe two weeks. Ha. That's funny. Relationship. . .I had a couple that were a little over a year. One of those year relationships was with someone that my husband stole me away from. Yes, these are the things I think about when I'm alone. My mind actually gets the opportunity to wander. NOT possible with two kids under the age of 3. I'm constantly moving. At this moment, I was still. . .I rocked back in the rocking chair and closed my eyes. It was actually chilly outside. My parents house is backed up to the desert so I got wafts of cool and warm air every 3 seconds. Nice. My mind wandered again. I was alone. Strange to be alone. Even when I go to the bathroom I'm not alone. I either have tiny fingers under the door attached to a voice calling me mama. . .or I can hear my newborn's cry while someone else is holding her when I'm in the shower. I was alone. My eyes still closed, I felt the breeze gently playing with my hair, the strands that frame my face dusting my cheeks. I took a deep breath in. I was relaxed. . .much to the help of the pinot grigio that I was sipping on. I swear I only drank a couple tablespoons of it! Not that I have to explain myself. I am a grown woman, you know. Ha. Sometimes, I still don't feel like it. I've been so emotional lately. So needy as I take care of the needs of the people who need me. My kids. . .my husband. What about me? Yes, these are the thoughts that crowd my head when I'm alone. . .when my mind is not being consumed by someone else's questions. . .or demands. What about me. What a selfish way to think. But, that's the way of the human heart sometimes. Being giving without wanting to be. Being selfless but still feeling selfish. I need to be alone sometimes, I guess. My eyes were still closed. . .the crickets were almost deafening in the absence of my children's voices. I heard a horse somewhere off in the distance. Then, the neighbor's Air conditioner kicked on or something. A loud manmade object broke me out of my bliss. I opened my eyes. The sliding glass door to the backyard opened. . .out tromped my precious little two year old. Of course the first thing he noticed was my candle. My mom followed him over to try to stop the inevitable. He blew it out. My mom apologized for interupting my moment and went back inside. I looked back over at Joshua. He was so proud of himself that I couldn't be saddened by the smell of my extinguished candle. I told him, "Thank you, I can see the stars better, now" I smiled. He took the candle back inside to my mom and proudly proclaimed, "I blew it out for mama!" My time alone was over. It was fleeting, but nice. And it was needed.